smoke

i have this crazy urge to want to listen to Ben Fold's five mix tape demo.
I can't find it.
Its probably at my parents house in the closet underneath massive picture frames, picture boxes, paint, and other random things you leave at your parents house when you don't live with them any more.

Currently i'm learning the new songs for Senior Year. I recently purchased "single ladies" beyonce. oh oh oh oh...if you like it then you shoulda puta ring on it. ...
not exactly the song i'm craving right now.

I think i'm craving some type of cult nostalgia. I remember getting that cd. I remember TRYING to get many cds. My mother, God bless her. Let me purchase my very first cd at wherehouse. Ah, wherehouse. the place where you went with your parents, friends, and loved ones to pick out a movie or the new techno cd (in the late 90's) and by chance you would glance over and catch some cute boy or girls eye, and notice their venue bracelet from the night before, and try to glance at what music/movie selection they were looking at.

Now i was to shy to act on anything. I remember one time i was asked "are you finding everything ok" I freaked out, smiled and stared down at a sublime cover. He asked " so where you from, how old are you" blah blah blah...i was flippin 14 man!!!! back off!!! i wasn't so privy to the game yet.

I was however privy to music. I remember when jagged little pill came out, portishead, no doubt,radiohead, oasis, ah geez i totally remember when aqua aquarium came out. One of my best friends went early before class to buy the new album a la "i'm a barbie girl" we LOVED that song! But i didn't go with her to get the cd, and i didn't purchase many of my fave songs on the radio till much later in my years. college actually, and based on this one incident, and i'll never forget it.

I went to where house. I bought Jagged Little Pill: Alanis Morissette. I took it home. I listened to it. My mom knowing the angel i was didn't think it would be much harm popping the cd in the family room while she did the dishes one saturday afternoon. Next thing i know i'm having a sit down with my mom, her looking at me trying to understand why i would want to listen to this music. Now i know some of you are thinking " well she was right! but c'mon! it was my first cd!!! and i liked how she wrote! all writers need to start somewhere, and be inspired by something or someone right?!

My mom proceeded to tell me to get dressed, we were going back to Wherehouse to return the cd. Yes....thats right. RETURN the cd. For FULL price people. not like a buy back. this was BEFORE buy back at record shops and what not. So, my mom and I drove back to Where house and returned the cd. and i got all my money back.

Now tape decks were super common. and cd's... well you played those by putting a cassette in the tape deck but the cassette had...i guess they are still around so i suppose they still "have" them) a wire that came out the end that hooks to a cd player..and then the cd player has an adapter that sticks in your car lighter...and hence the creation of the ipod;). well as soon as i got the jagged little pill cd i didn't want to hassle with all that so unbenounced to my mother i made a copy onto cassette;)

As sneaky as i was on that one attempt i never bought a cd i really liked until much later, and then of course itunes and all the other "I's" of the iapple family came out. I bought cds my parents would approve, but i remember this one song: Brick. I'd heard it at some coffee shop and loved it. Some kid was playing a demo and i asked who it was
" umm...lemme go check " the kid said
as he went to the back i looked back at my friends. they just smiled. i've always been somewhat impulsive
"ben folds five. yeah its pretty good"

I jotted it down and kind of forgot about it, knowing that even if i had found it i probably would have to return it. A few months later, i heard it on the radio. It didn't play often but on weekends when i got together with my friends i would call into the radio station and request it as much as possible. (yes y'all...back in the day..you called in and you requested. video wasn't the only culprit who killed the radio star. Steve Jobs also had a part in it.. but i love that apple loving guy!! and i'm not being fescicious...really i'm totally not. i'm apple mac for life!

Finally, one saturday afternoon, my friend Nicole and I went downtown. I went past the street i was allowed to but i knew it wasn't as dangerous as they thought. Plus there were better stores, and this great record shop everyone went to. EVERYONE! plus sometimes we'd run into the cute boys we had crushes on. haha!

Anyhow we're flipping through this and that, and there it was. Ben Folds Five Demo.

____-------_______-------________--------_________--------________--------_______----


no joke i just gave myself some breathing space to really reminisce on that moment.. $4.99 was printed on a neon red/orange sticker on the front. I still haven't taken it off. Here it was in my hands but i didn't know what to do. i wanted to buy it but i couldn't my mom would take me back to the store and embarrass the living daylights out of me again!

"i'll buy it!" nicole smiled at me
"its like..merry early christmas, late happy birthday!"
Nicole and I still NEVER are around for eachothers birthday...but it was PERFECT!!!!!

I took it home, lit my candles, sat at my desk, and put it in my walkman. that way no one could hear it but me. I wrote for hours. about what? i dunno, but i loved it. Especially this one song smoke. I played it over and over and over again, and knew just went the bad words were coming so i could turn it down just at the right moment, then turn it all the way back up if i was listening to it out in the open in my room.

and now i want that. i want those candles, i want that cd, i want the scent of wax filling my room and my mind being carried away by dreams, hopes, wishes, and at the time all of it could come true. all of it was just an arms stretch away. and now.....i don't know where i lost it....

DEEE lete

I have a day off..well kind of. i have to go into work late today so i should be looking for another job and posting stuff for our senior year event and learning new songs..but i haven't oops. ..and i need to!

Anyhow i decided to empty my email box. 180 emails in my box doesn't seem necessary.
To the right i looked at all my folders filled with archived letters, coupons, and receipts and i saw a name. a name i haven't spoken to or thought of in a long time.
This folder was filled with pictures, posters, letters, laughs, and tears, but i've been sitting on it for a long time hoping that it would inspire a song or maybe i'd use the material for a book, but its been about 2.5 years now and those archives have all just continued to rot.

I think the most I've done with them is read them and bow my head in pure embarassement that i would even have kept these letters this long, not to mention this person. Yes at times i wish this person could still be in my lfe and we could utilize eachother resources of knowledge, but sometimes "these are time that can't be whethered, and we have never been back there since" -rilo kiley

So today i "selected all" clicked "delete" and removed the label.

And today is the first time i've been inspired to even write about them. the end.

RIP : ________ all done

day of vegging

So i took the day to roll around in bed as usual. ok, well it wasn't like i REALLY wanted to roll around for 3 hours in bed but i really didn't want to call the Saturn Service to have them say, yay! you owe us $100!! yay! i can't wait to have no money again! woohoo!!




So after running around with my friend craig i went over to my friend Derek's to do some laundry. He and his roommate are out on tour so we get to watch their dog, Bowie, and enjoy some free laundry:) And of course a little cable...we don't have that yet..:)

I sat down turned on all the remotes and sat..for hours..and realized tv has gone to crap! so i dyed my roommates hair instead:)

Another day and another dollar

As I sit here awake in bed at an "early" 2 am, i look inside my closet that is slightly in front of me and stare at my purchase of the day. A short black cap sleeved dress with polka dot rosettes in the front. I splurged. I splurged a whole $26 and some odd cents. Splurge you might think? well yes. Its been a few months off tour and with moving to a completely different state and being rehired at my previous job for a few months, i also had to get the horribly bad news that I would have to take a major major ..and i mean major paycut.

The funny thing is its alright. The cost of living in Nashville is much much less than Los Angeles, but thats all i'm really doing...living. Staying at home, watching a few movies, eating a few potato chips hoping a song will inspire me to move and write it down, but instead staring balnkly at our fluorescent green wall because i really have nothing else to do and nowhere i can afford to go.

I had a friend come over last night. We had met at a show a few weeks back. My roommate and i went because..well it was free. It turned out to be a really really great show at this place, the basement. My new friend Ryan was teasing me a bit as I was playing the small harmonica around my neck. We got to talking, exchanged numbers, and have been trying to get together ever since. Last night was our first hang out that was more than 10 minutes.

It was great! We stayed at my house and a slew of other people were staying over so it just felt very full and warm and great conversations were definitely thrown around each room in our humble abode. Ryan at one time looked at me and said, "you don't like to leave your house do you?" I thought about it.....its not that i dont like to get out of the house, i just really don't know what else to do. Its cold, everything costs money, and when i have the people i love in my house, why would i want to go.

But Ryan did have a point. I should be out meeting people and hanging out not settling in and sitting on my butt. Well, i guess there's two sides. One side, i should be getting out and meeting people, the other side i should definitely be staying in and playing music, but! problem with that is, my creative times are really early in the morning. for example right now. I usually never write unless i'm in some place foreign or its really late/ early in the morning.

Whatever the case my life seems to be whirlwinding around money. I either have enough but i toss it here and there or i don't have enough so i'm forced to live paycheck by paycheck and not really getting done what intended to do.

The focus for me now is finding a job. and of course the industry i'm in..there's just no jobs available. I"m praying. somethings gotta give. as much as i enjoy selling scarves and tailoring pants...this is not my life. it can't be.

Donnie Darko..and other things

After many years of not watching the so called "infamous" Donnie Darko, i finally took the time to watch it, and i was, as i thought I would be, scared out of my mind. Don't get me wrong the soundtrack, the camera work, and the editing were all very appealing and I took it for just that. A great piece of Art, but i'm not going to say i wasn't a little spooked.

I never watched the movie in the first place due to some misplaced emotions i was trying to anchor down with myself, and watching it at the time would only remind me of the one something i was trying to escape. I felt in the last 3 years that movie just kept popping up as the best of the best and I was crazy for not watching such art. I'd always thought about renting it and evaluating it myself, but I never did. So, as i watched it tonight, i couldn't help but shutter a little bit. That dang bunny is so pickin freaky!!!

I guess you can say i've been going through a lot of transitions and watching this movie was a total eye opener for me. I've been living my life outside my normal lines, and have not felt "convicted", as one would say about liberal acts such as drinking and smoking (cigarettes of course nothing else) and not to say these things are all horrible or worth being convicted from, but it is what one does in the act of such liberal acts that could disturb some..and have lately been disturbing myself.

I have been crying out for God to help me figure all this out ( if this message seems confusing. don't be alarmed. i am SERIOUSLY all over the place) I lately have felt that rather than my hands being empty with full sacrifice on the alter ready to receive blessing, i've been on my knees with my hands buried deep and heavy with garbage. Where i used to not fear something as crazy as demon bunnies, my heart is literally pounding at the thought i may turn around and see something..ugh. i don't even want to think about it.


I'm traveling on a journey right now and i need to do this on my own without other peoples opinions, suggestions, or any two sense that would come across as judgemental or "life coachie" I need to find out for myself why i believe what i believe and how, again, to live by it, with no regrets, knowing that bridges may burn, but its all worth the cost.


Its late. i need to go to bed.

yay. a day off

I'm currently in miami florida right now, and i must say my brain is killing me.
I had a shipment come in yesterday of new merchandise but counting it and organizing it was for some reason a task. I knew i was going to get it done, however my brain was stuck on something. i don't know what. but it was.

The day went by slowly and because of Katy's early set we did not have too many people come to the tent. we packed up early and i headed to the bus. As i walked past the gates with my vip pass, i paused and realized that this small piece of paper around my neck was what valued me at that moment. i could do whatever i wanted. but i didn't now what to do.

It seems lately i have no idea how to make my own decisions..granted of course i do, but for example i could have continued on the tour rather than come to miami, and for a loss of what to do i came to miami....and i think it was a good decision. its strange. i just feel like i'm constantly second guessing myself, when i have the freedom to go and be free and not be tied down to piece of paper cased with plastic that tells me where i can and can't go.

Perhaps i'm not making sense, but i'm just going off feelings right now. I just feel constrained and strange. I could say i miss home, but here's the truth...i don't. Im miss faces and i miss the familiar touch of guitar strings under my fingers, but i'm loving the fact i wake up and i'm in a different city working.

Disappointments to this job, there is no room for any type of relationship. i can barely call my mom. I'm not saying its not possible I'm just saying even the people i meet that i may have an interest in, there would just be no way. Its too complicated. It explains why so many musicians on the road are so flighty. Sure the ideal would be to be with one and only one person, but the temptation is much more difficult and those who succeed, i give them A+++..and thank God i DO know a few.

I'm so just jibber jabbering now, but why not. if you see this call me because i don't even have a working phone. i can receive calls i just can't dial out.

Enjoy a few more pictures. I hope this finds you well:)



All squished in an elevator on our way up to our VIP Stay at Planet HOllywood. what!



Awesome free steak dinner at Strip House! Brother came. yay!!



Me and Mr. Markus Molinari

www.markusisthedrug.com



We had to make an appearance at some club that supposedly some of the girls from the hills were going to be at..but we didn't see them, and instead danced on the couches and hung out with a bachelorette party...meh


Making the 0 of 303 Nat, Matt Beckley, and Sean Foreman. Hardcore.


Tessa, Austin, and I in our bright pink tent. we are hard workers;)


Perfect. split self portraits. Bottle o Jameson and a cup o' noodles, What a delight. haha

what my day looks like

6/26/08

A typical day for me begins as follows.

Wake up when the bus stops moving (about 7am). Go out to the common area, grab the bay key, grab belongings from under the bus, get changed, drink as much water as possible, and start unloading merchandise.

Before we got space on the merch trailer, i was having to find someone who made the lay out of the warped tour merch space. This was a pain because finding this one important person could take up to 10 minutes..and those 10 minutes are priceless.

Now that we have space on his trailer, things are a little easier. I get up, go out there, and begin loading off our materials and pulling up our hot pink tent where the “lay out space man” has already chosen our perfect spot.



Day by day it has been getting easier, and Tessa, my assistant, and i have been able to eat breakfast. Some days things have been so rushed we barely get to eat lunch.



Now even though most people think being a “merch person” is easy, layed back, and party all the time, they’ve got it all wrong. As i stated before my day begins roughly at 7 am. My day ends anywhere from 10 pm (on a good day) to 3 am. I try to get in as much rest as possible, however on days like today, where i have a day off in vegas and a pickin HUGE sweet suite at Planet HOllywood...sleep is obsolete.



Off days are priceless because you don’t have to hear questions such as:

*What time is Katy playing?

*What Stage is she playing at?

*Is Katy doing a signing?

*Where is the signing going to be?

*How much is that shirt?

Mind you, answers to all these questions are posted EVERYWHERE.
When I say everywhere, i mean everywhere. We have them posted on the poles ON the booth. We have people walking around with the posted answers actually ON them. Its pretty rediculous..oh..and i forgot one.

“Do you know where Jeffrey Star is? He has a pink tent.”

Its like seriously people..serious. just because i have a pink tent, doesn’t mean I know where all the pink tents are..and p.s. look at my tent. Its pretty obnoxiously obvious that its the Katy Perry Tent.

uff..

anywho. for now thats whats up. and for now. i’m going to have a pina colada..no a mai thai at the pool. cheers

Dry Heaves..and NO thats not a band i met

Pomona,CA

Apparently all Warped Tours go something like this.

*Mohawks
*streeks of fluorescent and black hair
*HEAT
*Vomit
*Blood
*Cool stuff!

And i got to see it all. Day 2 began unexpectadly. We arrived in Pomona the night before and waited an hour and a half just to be let into the gate. Our credentials (visibly known as the "laminated all access pass" hadn't arrived and the security guard wouldn't let us pass...( I mean seriously, would we really spend a pazillion dollars wrapping a large tour bus with someones face on it just so we can go to warped tour..i don't think so)

We finally got in and slept. 8:40 am i woke up looked out my plastic accordian curtain from my bunk and noticed i was probably late. I leaped out and Julia the tour manager looked at me with tired eyes and no words were exchanged...this was our OFFICIAL first day of warped tour.

After running around the Pomona race track, we found our necessary "directors" and staked down a space for our Merch. Little did i know it would be another 4 hours till we actually got up and running.

Because this is Katy's first tour, we have still been working out some kinks. For example, The doors for the tour open at 10 am. Our merch did not arrive till close to noon. Once we got the merch we hadn't received a price list and on top of that, i had no money for change! so here i was under a fluorescent pink tent with a lot of merch but no money and no answers for all the young punk kids.

It wasn't long till i felt my self with feelings i'd never felt before, but heard of the symptoms; i was dehydrated. I had not water and nothing to eat all day.

p.s. its 3 am and I have to wake up at 7 am...this story will have to continue later or you can ask me in greater detail. otherwise , here's an outline

*dry heaves (got them)
*vomit (did it twice)
*mohawks (booth behind us was giving them for fun...and to be on the radio)
*bright colored hair (is everywhere)
*blood...i saw that today! (in San Fran presently)

a Brief: Katy Perry is blowing up like mad..to the point that i'm on tour with her andi don't even get to see her.

b. i don't sleep and i apologize if you call and i don't answer. i literally wake up at 7am and sleep right now..

good night.

DAy 1. its only just begun

Its night. i couldn’t tell you which night because i don’t think i’ve lived off the name of days for a few weeks now, and i’m sitting on a bus. A bus filled with food, boys, and crass conversations. Where am I? I am on a painted “Katy Perry” bus. “MySpace + Katy Perry” splattered on the side, and i’m on my way to Warped Tour.

My day began at 7:30 am. With Tired eyes, i dreamed that all the things laying on my floor magically packed themselves and i could sleep for just a little longer.

I pushed myself out of bed, and started where i gave up the previous night. I had to stop and get to my list of unexpected necessities; Peanut Butter, strawberry necklaces, baby wipes ( yes..for the darear). My heart was racing as i thought of all the things i needed to accomplish as well as pack my own belongings.

My grandparents ( God love em) had nothing else to do today and decided to join me on the adventure of collecting random things on someone else’s expense. It worked out perfectly, considering the day before my steering wheel mysteriously began to smoke from the stearing column...the wires must have crossed and decided to go aflame...who knew!

As we hustled around buying odds and ends, i stopped every few moments, trying to grasp what i was doing. I was purchasing items that would sit on a bus, with people i’d never met before, but were all genius’s in the music department. Well okay, maybe not geniuses but, to me, they know and have been everywhere a person wants to be for music.

VIP, Top Venues, you name it, they were probably there, played there, passed out cold there. I wouldn’t want to compare my tales to something similar like Almost Famous..but ..its feeling pretty close.

I’m silent. Very silent. Observing everyone’s manerisms and trying to understand where my place is , and where it is not. Trying to understand the rules of the road, where to sleep, what to eat, what to say, who to talk to and who not to. I mean these people know what they’re doing. One of the guys dads was in a band (i haven’t asked yet which one) and has lived on these tour buses pretty much since birth.

Vocabulary has varied anywhere from Shwamp Ass to Bitch Creek. By varied i mean, new vocabulary. for example:

Shwamp Ass: obtained from being on the road, and being unable to use regular toilet paper on the private areas. Also obtained from humidity, and lack of clean underwear. Cure? Baby Wipes.

Bitch Creek: A beer found at some random plastic black bag giving liquor store.

Merch: ( I knew this one, but some don’t so..) short for “Merchandise”

Swag: Free STuff meant for promotions.

So that is the vocabulary today.

I hate to say it but i’m kind of shy about taking pictures and filming everything, but its pretty fantastic. i’m so nervous. i don’t want to screw up because i would love to have some other type of job out of this...but i’m definitely feeling a bit like me writing songs is going to be a problem unless i can get out of my shell for a moment.

2 more months. 8 weeks. I suppose i’ll take day one as day one, fold over the nasty comforter provided for me, and see what happens tomorrow.

good night.

pictures to come. don’t worry...i’ll be using my free “swag” from Myspace...yes..a camera. WHAT!

M-i-a

so yes.
i have been missing in actions
why?
because i finally have my bearings down in los angeles.

I have found some amazing friends
Some fantastic places to eat..late...i can't sleep before 3 am
and I'm just making los angeles very small. i mean its big, but you know.

I definitely have had quite the transition since i first got here, some great opportunities, and some ideas but i'm...still figuring things out.

how is everyone else doing out there?
p.s. you all should come to a show. i've decided.

www.myspace.com/lisagoe

i'm sick today. so i'm basically bored and realized i have indeed been mia..and that is bad. so hello:) and write me soon;) puhlease.

paper bag

I can't say much
but i'll tell you what i saw
paper bags walk out the door one by one.
timidly they'd walk down the tiled walkway bare.
feeling like everyone
is watching with knowing stares

slowly lifting sunnies
or swooping over hair
a tiny finger would push a button to a place still filled with fear.

The room smelled of cleaning fluids
or maybe rubber gloves
instruments that prod away a life that never was

Embarrassing but noted by each brow that lifted still
by televisions, catalogs, and notes to fit the bill.

the glass that broke between the eyes, the mind, the thoughts, the foe
A still frame, slow
but steady
a voice "open" short and to the point.

moment by moment
palms sweaty
but the peace of paper bags
breeze sweetly
still with head bowed down, eyes to the ground
each paper bag brings less glory

a call of the name and a quivered yes
some sort of relief
but still false as it feels, for a moment releases pain

a quick chat and that was that
a paper bag your threw
a paper bag still due.
and in confidence, all knew
to never tell a soul.

Today i walked the turtle

Adventures to come...

so as promised..i indeed have some adventures...but this is just a preview.. a trailor if you will;)

Desperado

Why don't you come to your senses.....


Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone


Shoot. i don't know what else to say other than that.

so hows life kids!? my hope is that you are doing well.
My hope is that someone out there will be able to tell me what the heck i'm doing, but i won't lie. i have had some great encouragement.

In the last week i have met quite the random slew of friends, and so far so good. They're all a bit crazy, but its good crazy. I guess you can say i've met my gonzos.

Update on Boberry biscuits rock my picking world

check it out..scroll. down. enjoy:)

Happy Easter!

I came home for Easter, and its great to be home. my dog has a set of bunny ears on with a basket of goodies that she is drooling over. i love it. I think we are having a bit too much fun with these bunny ears.




My trip in Nashville was amazing, but i couldn't tell you the highlight. or any GREAT rockstar stories. It was a definite time of reflection and i will have to say, I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm starting to feel however that i don't have a lot of time to figure it all out. Granted today's society has changed in the last 20 or so years, but i look at my life, comparative to my mothers, and realize at my age my mom had a full time well paid job and a 2 year old daughter.





I, on the other hand, am nowhere near having children and recognize in no more than 4 years i will indeed be 30..."30 flirty and thriving" Ha! For the time being. i'll just enjoy my dog and my bunny ears

BO BERRY BISCUITS ROCK MY PICKING WORLD!!!

So i have a song called Cigarette, inspired by a young life girl i met who reminded me of myself, but I had not nearly as much of a rich story line. She would rant and rave about Bojangles "her all time munchy spot" so i wrote about it, and threw in some common food items so people in the south would know what I was talking about.

needless to say, i never actually enjoyed a bo*berry biscuit and a large coke for 2..that is until last night! the most glorious of glory's! after a great dinner at sams' i ventured to bo*jangles which no joke, after i finish this blog, i'm hopping in my sweet jetta rental, hitting some thrift stores, and getting another helping of boberry biscuits. they are the most delicious things ever!!!

I'm about to document.. so get prepared.


on another note. i like nashville. its easy. its comforting, there are nice people, and i can totally understand how musicians enjoy playing here. its home, even if you've never set foot on the land before. its home. As i got in the car on my way to my friends house, I thought out loud, "is it weird i don't feel out of place?!" and i still don't. i don't feel awkward or scared. comfortable. really.

okay leaving fido and on to bojangles. i might even have to write another song about these darn biscuits;) yum


UPDATE! to prove my love of BoBerry Biscuits, enjoy the video.
p.s. notice the white marks on the wheel. they are icing remnants from the previous nights spree:)

Another airport and its all the same thing

FiRST! I do have some pics from St. patty's day with the most fantastic story. so that is coming. SECOND. this one is long and may be exhausting..so if you don't read it i understand.

I’m in the airport once again. there’s definitely something appealing about writing in an airport. Or maybe its more the fact i get a moment to sit and write how i want, rather than how much time I have in my pocket at the moment.
A few things i noted as i walked around..and i dearly wish i had scratched them down on paper because i already know i’ve forgotten a few

*time: complaining: frustration
* the price for good food
*kind people in the airport. first time i’ve run into kind people in la
*Destination unknown.

I don’t know why i get myself so frustrated over petty things. Only petty beccause the satisfaction of complaining dies quickly once I adjust. Today its money. However, when really is it not money. I have an oodle and a half of financial woes, yet i’m flying to Tennessee and then a break in maui, followed by who knows what. I couldn’t be doing that bad right? I know I am a traveler at heart, and for a while now it has certainly been repressed, so funds..meh..its losing the funds for stupid things is the matter.

This morning, I woke up, disgruntled i had spent the prior evening collecting as many tax write offs as possible. I downloaded umpteenth sheets of papers to file, and in the end, 5 hours later, was still at square one. I had previously finished my taxes, however my previous employer decided to give me a 1099 suggesting I was an independent contractor..i don’t even have a license.

Being that there are only 3 weeks till tax day and i had not received any papers, i didn’t file it. My first mistake..or was it. anyhow. I did not complete my taxes and then had to pack. Now this all wouldn’t be so bad except i had planned to see Rachael Yamagata, an artist i have high esteem for and has in the past written great encouragement that has helped encourage me on this crazy path of musician life.

As my friend Nathan would say, you wouldnt put a baby in the freezer..or some nonsense like that, meaning, don’t regret what you can’t unfix..how that has to do with a baby in the freezer i don’t know.. perhaps i’m misquoting him, but in any case, point taken. I need to keep moving forward and not look at what I didn’t do...but of course i won’t. i’m too filled with Drama to do that!

I continued the morning disgruntled, puffy eyed from spasmatic anxiety attack, fixed myself a bowl of cereal, and headed out to the airport. My grandmother was kind of enough to give me some cash, which i always feel bad about taking. i should be giving her money, not her giving me money. I took it still with gratitude and proceeded down the long line of uncertainty.

I checked in and was stopped by a kind stewardist who would not stop complimenting my carry on bag. I must say its pretty chic. Its fluorescent green. How could you NOT want this bag. She was so kind, asked where i was flying, and was disappointed we would not be on the same flight (shew as going to NY) A smile stretched between my cheeks, and i realized that was the first nice person i spoke with in la in a LONG time. sad sad sad.

As i walked the corridor to find Gate 44 v I decided to get some food. I compared prices and went up and down a few times, comparing prices, food items, and so on. I settled with a deli that was wicked expensive, but the food was good, nutritious, and for having not much on it (roasted vegetables and ciabatta..not even cheese!) it was really good.....that or i wanted it to be good for paying so much for it. Its truly amazing how much Airports are making off of people from food!

I looked around a while for my gate and couldn’t for the life of me find it. 42,43, 45, 46...what?! where’s 44?! back and forth back and forth. I was bewildered. i looked for someone to ask but everyone was going every which way. I found it, down the stairs, around the corner, hop on a shuttle, and tuhdah! you’ve arrived! I got there in plenty of time..however..i needed gum. man. i’m sitting in the plane now, thinking....crap. these people i’m between must think i smell bad. but what are you going to do.
For now, i feel a little ill prepared. i won’t lie. I didn’t check to see if i had any other connections in Nashville. I don’t even know why i’m going. to go for an experience of some possible bigger gig. what am I doing. I want to say i’m being faithful, but the truth is, am i being ignorant.. okay gross. these people in front of me need to get their hands off each other before i vom all over them. save it for the bathroom or something..anywho.

When we first arrived on the plane, we heard there would be a bit of a delay. And this is what i heard “oh c’mon! we’re leaving at what time? thats ridiculous, I HAVE to be back by Saturday. we need to take off now! uff gruff blah” I’m not saying i’ve never had these words come out of my mouth before (because i most certainly have) but it made me realize how important everyone thinks their time is. have we lost the true value of relaxation? I understand not everyone gets on a plane to go on vacation or to be somewhere exciting, but where are the days you just push off and not worry about not being somewhere at this or that time..okay now the couple is kind of cute.


C’est la vie. I hope i’m not making a mistake..i dont think i am. i really dont even know why i’m on this plane.. but i’m thankful. i needed to get out of la. i’ll save that for next time.

The tale of the no good very bad day

I have vented enough vents
and opened enough windows to not want to re-live the past few days in Santa Barbara. i don't think i was even there thats how horrible it was. it was more than dominoes..it was more like a volcano where everything erupts and then trickles down until it hardens , but alas another bubbling muck appears and you are back at square one.

to sum things up it went like this (I do need to preface all this and say..indeed..although my day was bad..these were indeed "luxury problems")
*rush around. finish moving
*have a show, wait, pay bills first
*go to pay store card bills find out fraudulent charges were made
*come to find not only that, but my visa had been compromised

at this point i'm looking at stress case moving around and throwing the remainder of her, my, things in the car, no bank card, and WICKED low on gas..and oh yeah. i apparently have a show so need to get ready for that.

so i took a break. i needed to. I went on the most beautiful hike, and i just wanted to sit up there on the mountain for afew hours and breathe in the relaxation of it all..but no..keep rushing around.

next morning. same things, but this time i spent most of my time talking to people who couldn't speak a lick of english who then told me to call on monday..nice. no money, bills overdue, stress stress stress..i know it doesn't seem like it..but my head was in a vice.

I couldn't take it, so i left Santa Barbara, a little refreshed but mostly stressed. I left when the sun was setting and enjoyed driving The 1. I called some friends and enjoyed some great and sometimes obscure music, and just decided to look forward to the rest of the evening.


My friend Ernie Halter had a show at Hotel Cafe, so i joyfully enjoyed an evening listening to him and Tony Lucca ( former Mickey mouse club member). It was a great show, and my friends from Canada, including the fabulous singer songwriter canadian "mod" extraordinaire Laurel. We all had a fabulous time enjoying the music as well as my good friend Samantha's birthday.

Ernie had mentioned maybe we all hang out later after the show, but being as it was daylight savings, we held off on going to the local club, 86 (awesome old speakeasy..my favorite). Instead, Ernie introduced me to Joey Degraw..who yes, is Gavin Degraw's brohawn...who in the end..although hanging out could have been fun, and he did ask me for my myspace...??? i was glad to retreat home.

so the moral of the story is...even if you are having a no good very bad day...take the time to do something you love. you never know when the no good very bad day will end (as they sometimes take more than a day)

Check it!

check out duh pics

these are from Velvet Jones with senior year. yeyah!

forgot the title so we'll call it update

I'm still here
in la
I"m still figuring it out, but i'm actualy enjoying it. No, i'm not giggles and smiles like i am usually, but instead i'm furrowed in the brow and doing my best to keep all complaints inside, but this one I"m about to explode on is well worth the vent.

I am really tired of people telling me how i should do this music/entertainment thing. Talk to this person, do this, be this ,quite this, join this. I don't understand how people feel they have the right to tell me how i should plan my life. its worse than your parents telling you how to live your life...well..kinda. My parents never imposed that much as to what and where i should go, what i should do,etc. In college my mom encouraged me to be single while my other friends were getting packages and phone calls from their parents asking and encouraging the "ring before spring."

I must say i'm happy my life wasn't pressured with do's and don'ts (other than the obvious things that parents have to say (don't do drugs, have sex, and my parents would just say wear earplugs...i was created because of rock n' roll..people please)

I love when people who don't even know me say things like "you just need to make yourself known, and put yourself out there".. OH yeah..great advice....wasn't i the one to have you meet person a, b,c..do i really need to go through the alphabet.

What brought about this bitter..anger? several things.. but i guess its just been building up, and i've been good and kept my mouth shut, but its just really starting to bug. Its kind of like that scene in Notting Hill, when handsome dude..i can't remember his name, but that guy, brings Julia Roberts with him to his sister's birthday and the brother in law doesn't realize Julia is THE Julia, and when he does its priceless.

I understand some people want to help, and some people just want to be name droppers and sound real cool, but I am going to do it my way. the only way I know how. and that is to be patient , have faith, and fall into strange and mysterious situations that in the end always work out.

Not to say i'm not a wee scared about what i'm doing here. i'm living in my grandparents house, i'm 25 and I am just clueless. am i going to live here for a year like everyone else and just wait. how do i get more proactive and what is "putting my best foot forward " when i don't know my best yet. or am i in it? so many questions..these are the answers i want k. NOt "why aren't you on the radio yet? well this is what you should do. (okay person who has no clue what and how this business is run) uff..

Rockstar story of the day:
After doing a demo track for the infamous Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana, I Went to hotel cafe to enjoy some music..and spoke to Joss Stone..of course.. i didn't recognize who it was. i hid after she got off stage after her guest performance.

ROCKSTAR STORY OF THE DAY

if you didn't read the previous blog..stop..scroll down, read and then scroll up, and read this one.

okay. ...now you are just going to read that one because i'm going to see if i can top it with something that may happen tomorrow. yayah!

just saying hello

hello.
another day in la
and i'm still trying to absorb my surroundings

so...indeed it has been awhile.
5 days to be exact since the beloved Valentine’s day had arrived.
I wish i had some type of footage, but the only footage i have is in my minds eye..if that makes any sense. I suppose i just got bored of loading pictures. I love to take them, but it takes for ever to load and then size, and by the time I do its like wah... i think i may go back to film and scanning.

This is my second week in Los Angeles, and if you know of anyone moving to this forest, i suggest sending them to my blog, and here’s why, i ain’t sugar coating squat!

i’ve seen both sides of the forest
the familys
and the conformists
and it somehow all meets back in the middle
where the parachutes are left up only for the birds
there’s no escape
in the forest of l.a.

well that came out of nowhere, but its what i’m thinking.
I can’t even begin to tell the stories, the people, observing the style of this place. okay..i guess i'll begin.

Style: looks like:
out of someone’s closet, but not just any ones personal closet, just some random someone
*someone went into a dark closet or with a blindfold, grabbed several items, put them on, and walked out the door
*Everything is used, and if it isn’t used, it looks used, even if you just bought them at Levi’s for 150 dollars..and i’m not just talking distressed jeans.
*Outrageous is normal
*nerds are “amazing”
* “Good music” is who ever you know
*Parking is an art form

My mind is a little soupy.
so thats why i'm just saying hello.

p.s. ROCKSTAR MOMENT OF THE WEEK:
* DANCED WITH DREW BARRYMORE AND HER NEW BF "MAC.COM" WHILE JENNY LEWIS FROM RILO KILEY ENJOYED A BEER BESIDE ME. ALL THE WHILE WATCHING A LARGE BALDING RUSSIAN MAN SING POP SONGS THAT EVERYONE DANCED CRAZY TO, AND THEN AT THE END OF THE SHOW, HE WAS NAKED....NOT JOKING. OKAY. HE WAS IN HIS CHONIES.

love

First Day

I woke up early..okay ealier than i had before, aka 9am. I got dressed slowly, making sure every hair was where it was supposed to be and every button, fastened perfectly. I came downstairs, poured raisin bran from the plastic juice container, and grabbed the watered down milk substance called Lactaid. (Its free. i can't be picky)

As i ate my cereal I stared off into the guppy fish tank thinking "breathe, relax, you'll be great" "YOu readY" was the next thing I remember hearing and off to my first day at JCrew in the Promenade.

Once i got there i was greeted with a smile by my first manager. It was then followed by a frown. "You're not in dress code. do you have a cardigan in your car. the Cardigan is the new jacket" So upstairs I went to the sale section, scrambling to find something to wear with my so perfectly put together outfit.

After finding a jacket, which is pretty cute i must say, I shamefully walked downstairs..still with confidence, but also with a wee bit less "goe" get um gusto. I was handed over some paperwork, the new dress code, and such, and then found out my position had changed, and there was a lot more things i had to focus on.

I could feel my body curl over like an old woman. I smiled, and went my merry way, and before i knew it was time for a lunch break. I went upstairs to get my bag, and reported to the "powers that be". they checked my status, and what do you know, my sales were sky rocketing! How that happened i have no idea, but i don't mind, and I was shocked! Just as shocked as everyone else i'm sure!

During my break, I read a bit, called some people...and watched a woman i had just helped in the store get arrested for shoplifting at Sephora! I was so shocked. I can't even tell you. but its true. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN! The strange thing was she was a women who no doubt must have been in her 70's. could you imagine.

To not bore anyone with the rest of my first day, i ended it with a bang. so much of a bang, today, one of the other personal shoppers wouldn't talk to me. I must have posed a threat. oh well. What are you going to do. I'm sure in the end we'll run off like best buds, but for now..i'm still in a foreign land;)

Chapter 2

I’d like to paint a picture right now, of what and where i’m standing in my mind. my heart is beating fast, and my mind attempts to slow down but is at a consistant up and down of thoughts and emotions. I just feel foreign.

I’m sitting in my grandparents dining room, where live a turtle, June-hi, and a multiplicity of guppy fish, along with the occasional parakeet who decides to come and hang out with the other animals.

Above the “zoo” are Christmas 07 pictures, along with a picture of the squirrel my grandmother has befriended, boo-boo. At least thats his name for now until we figure out a better one.

As i sit at the table looking into the avante garde Gold mirror next to the dining table, i look down and stare at my “place mat”. Its a bamboo painted tupperware plate, but it “helps the table not get scratches”. My grandmother begins to prepare dinner. “Gahlee Lisa. What am i supposed to feed you. NO meat! NO meat! How are you going to help us eat all our food?!” I shrug, laugh and continue looking at my placemat recognizing the particularity my grandmother has in her house, and making notes in my head in order to please my new roommates.

My Grandma goes to a stack of newspapers in the corner and begins to choose articles of which i’m assuming she is going to read. Alas i am wrong again, and instead she uses them first on the floor under her feet, and then under the electric frying pan.

“Grandma..what are you doing?” She continues with what seems to be her every day routine, and says “ the oil splashes all over the place. It leaves such a mess.” I don’t want to seem rude or anything, but i laugh a little under my breath. She smiles, and says, “yes, i am very particular in the kitchen.”

She continues to cook Egg Fooyung (i’m assuming thats how you spell it) and it was beyond delicious. i’d never had it before, but it was a definite treat. Its basically an omelet and a pancake in one with all sorts of vegetables and shrimp, but i guess you can put anything in it. anyway. I give her great encouragement, and she smiles with appreciation.

I grab a plate and begin eating standing up. Both of my grandparents put their food on their plastic bamboo “place-mats”. Several more dishes of fruit, cheese, nuts, and vegetables are then put on the table next to the main dish. “Lisa, why you stand up and eat? where you learn that? go sit down.”

Not even realizing I had been standing and eating most of my life, I sit down to eat, and find myself in a foreign place. What do we talk about, how do i eat everything, am i supposed to eat everything or is it just out for being outsake.

Dinner finishes and the newspapers go into the recycling. Grandpa grabs a cantelope from the pantry, as well as a few more newspapers, and places them on the cutting board. “You want cantelope Lisa? Its good snack”. I reply, “Grandpa we just had dinner?” “okay, then..its good dessert”.

I am truly enjoying every moment i have with my grandparents, and through them i recognize, i’ve got a lot more living to do.

Chapter One

i’m unexplainably uneasy right now. its not like i haven’t been at my grandparents before, but i’m realizing i’m not just here on vacation. On account of my lack of funds, I’m here to be a roommate, as well as a very well behaved grand daughter. I already am a well behaved grand daughter, but its different. i don’t want to step on their toes, or make them feel uncomfortable, but as I look around this room, this room that has held so many memories, i can’t help but wonder what exactly am I doing.

I feel like i am pretending. This isn’t real. I didn’t just give my 30 day notice, i don’t have three brown boxes and a mountain of furniture to organize, arrange and be comfortable. I don’t have internet whenever i need and want it. I didn’t just accept a loan i can’t afford...which i am praying to God i can call and say “jk! i don’t want that!”

I’m swallowing my pride right now, and wondering if this was all a mistake. Why am i so fearful. what am i scared of. what is going to happen, perhaps...STOP! These thoughts must be lies. They must. I can say this, with the belief that i have on several accounts, received confirmation of my arrival here. although not a perfect situation, there is and must be a reason.

how fitting for me to arrive tonight, the night of the 50th annual Grammy Awards. The stars, young and old, literally moments away from me, as i sat in a couch with my grandpa and grandma. Would that someday be me? could that be me? What song would that be? And am I going to be an inspirational person, so much as to move minds and ideas into positive and righteous movements? And what a heavy responsibility.

What have i gotten myself into?

Orbitz gum

"Dirty mouth? Clean it up!"
What a great line.

one of my hands is a sleep right now, while the opposite eye is half open. I'm not sure if i'm going to get a head ache or if i'm going to survive this day, and due to all my ailments I recognize, I need to "clean it up"

I've never been one to spout out dirty words, and I was never that rough around the edges, but lately i have been finding my fair share of going out, having a good time, but getting carried away. Not to worry, I'm not where i could be, but why even be where i could be.

It goes like this. I'm moving to Los Angeles, and a i have quite a few people who are looking out for me and are indeed nervous about my arrival. Los Angeles is a beast. A forest that some survive, and others become the trees, conforming and twisting each limb till the path to survive, becomes more dense and more are caught in the web of deception. I don't want that ..of course.

I'm excited about my new endeavor. New life, new place, new adventures, and when i say i'm going to clean it up, i'm going to clean it up. I just can't wake up this way. Exhausted, hoarse mouth, questioning myself, and concerned with what I could become. Numb.

exhausted

i think i just did the most amazing job ever..in my life...yeah..i did.

My band, Senior year, just did what we were made to do; play at a High School..and during lunch. oh yeah. i'm not even kidding. it was fantastic. now if only i had some footage.

We were so into it, i think we blew High School Musical out of the water. ..actually yes we did:)

We were jumping on chairs and tables, and at one point this girl jumped on the table with me and started doing a dance off! yeyah! i'm not even kidding. i know this story deserves much more description, but no joke. i'm exhausted.

I sang and danced until i got ill...which is what i think i just became. i'm going to need some soup, a movie, and a few magazines..and maybe some chocolate...i'm not saying you should come over and do that..but you now if you want;) hahah;)

oh good night and good day. i'm so excited to see what else my life has in store. aren't you?

bummed

i don't need to complain.
actually i really shouldn't.
I'm off to a new start, with new beginnings.
new friends, new life, new pictures, new stories..but
we are talking about tonight.

I agreed to a house sitting job, that turned into a dog sitting job, and did i mention, also watching two kids? The kids are super sweet, and so are the dogs, but to my knowledge, my nights were supposed to be off.

Now normally i would suck it up, however I have about 2 weeks left in SB, and would love to just hang out with my friends, while i currently have the convenience of walking down the street to see them.

So now, i'm sitting in an office filled with God knows what and i'm just putzin' around. wah wah wah! ..pause...

okay so now i am continuing the wah wah's of last night.
I was literally just waiting around for the night to end, the boys came home, and we watched a movie...a cheesy one, but it worked out pretty well:) I suppose i am just a selfish yes....i wanted to go out..but can you blame me...

p.s. its all workign out, and i think this weekend will be a great one;)

LG

one more maui moment

Its been a long journey to say the least. i have arrived yet again to an airport terminal. but its not the terminal i originally arrived at. I was left in honolulu for a night, and let me just say its not the shabbiest of places to be “stuck” in.

My time in Maui was definitely a time of reflection. I f I were to tell the full story some would agree, some would be agrressive, and some may be ashamed. Not to sound negative or devilish, but for now, what was in Maui, stays in Maui. I don’t think i’ve had fully enough time to reflect.

To share the good parts, i spent countless hours in the sun “working”, met some pretty amazing friends, and in the end definitely had my frown turn upside down. The stress of work, finances ,and expectation slowly melted away, and i realized from now on, if i’m going to take a vacation, i better make it two weeks.

To let you in on why I am sitting in Honolulu eating corporate america (pizza hut and starbucks..the plane food is way more, and not half as fatty delicious..heheheh), I’ll begin by saying, if you have a flight canceled, get what you need to get done and head on back to the beach! Time’s a waistin!

I arrived in OGG airport with time to spare. As i reached the check in counter I asked my bags to be taken all the way to Los Angeles so i didn’t have to check in all over again. With a puzzled face, the lady looked at me and said, “I”m sorry your flight was cancelled.” Smiled her Hawaiian smile, and started working on something else. Shocked by how happy go lucky she was, I said “what do i do!”. “Go to ATA (smile)”

I gruntled my way over to the desk (thankfully right next door) and asked the assistant what i Should do. “ i’m sorry i just work here i don’t know what you should do.” ?????? what! what do you mean!!!!! How could someone work and not know what to do! He told me it was due to weather conditions which was a total flop because it was sunny in Los Angeles. He then told me if I waited till 12:30 i could talk to someone. GReat! too bad my connecting flight was leaving at 12:30.

I didn’t know what to do. Stay in Maui, or be left in God knows where.
I went. as i got on the plane, i could just feel my tear ducts water up. I was so exhausted, frustrated, and alone....but who cares! I am always up for an adventure, but i just couldn’t handle the idea of an adventure right now.

I sat in my seat and was pleasently surprised when my seat partner began talking to me. Normally i’m so exhausted i don’t want to talk to a soul. Shut upt and let me sleep! But I allowed it. Turns out he works for golf tournaments. PGA tour? i’m sure some of you “golfies” know what that is. i apologize for my ignorance in advance.

We talked for the 30 minute ride over, and he said something that opened my ears “ I came over here. I sat down and heard the good Lord say, you better take care this child. I said ‘OH Lord i will! I will!’ “ I laughed a bit, and knew it was not coincidence he had said this. God was watching. He was pursuing. He knew what was up.

Getting off the plane was the actual beginning of my “work out”. AS i got off the plane I was directed toward ATA. As I got to the terminal, the lady at the kiosk said i needed to go downstairs. Problem: my bags were still in baggage claim with Hawaiian, which was 6 terminals the other way.

I decided to get my bags, and as I walked down i saw my new friend and he let me know it was taking them awhile to get the bags off. So back another 6 terminals to see what to do. maybe i could still get a flight out. Maybe it was only delayed.

I trecked back to Terminal 6 to talk to ATA where i waited 30 minutes to find out some great news. Iwould have a flight out the next morning, my hotel would be taken care of, food would be taken care of, and did I mention...a free roundtrip flight! where am I going to go!!!!!

Excited by the news but still exhausted by everything else, I got my paper with all the perks. The man at the Kiosk then let me know i had 10 minutes to reach the shuttle that would take me to the hotel. 10 minutes! I told the man, that i had still left all my bags at hawaiian. With a HUGE sigh, he let me know i could get my bags and he would find me a taxi.

Once i got to the hotel, i was just about ready to pass out, when i looked out across the lanai, and saw the sun still high but ready to descend. I threw on a bathing suit, grabbed some writing material, and made my way down to the beach.

Being on the sand was a lot different then from my birds eye view. there were people everywhere! i mean EVERYwhere. I put down my towel, my sorang, and dove into the water. I was enjoying myself relaxed in the crystal blue water when “ go go go. C’mon you can do it” i looked towards shore and 30 some odd people were swimming towards me full speed! I swam as fast i could out of the way and made my way towards some rocks.

Slowly making my way back to shore, the waves pushing me forward, i scraped my toe on a rock. Bleeding, i confidently walked through the water, back to my beach towel. I laid there for a while, trying to figure out whether or now i should go shipping or sit in my room. I decided to sit in my room.

i got up to the room and noticed the sun was getting ready to set. Grabbed my guitar and played to my hearts content. I had a private show, and even had some applause:) hehehe..okay not really , but that would have been cool. i did play though.

I ended the evening with dinner with a friend from the North Shore. In the end, it was a great trip, and i'll be going out again. I can already feel the stresses of every day life entering my mind. I think its already time for a vacation. bon voyage!


this was my room:)








food;)


my poor toe. can you see the bandaid?


the sunset:)

tiddle

so, inspired by my friend matt..this is going to be short..and sporatic.

I wasn't intentionally going to share this, but its whats on my mind.
all to say i fell for cute.
anytime anyone says "oh that is so cute!" or "you are so cute" courteously smile, but don't buy into it.

AT JCrew I am not encouraged to say cute. Reason being, it is an over used word. its kind of like what we do to any American word. At one point it had value, and then we devalue it by over using it. (biggest example the word love)

anyhow, I fell for "you are so cute" I tried to put it behind me, but.. i fell for it, and hours after i left mr. "cute" he was already utilizing the word with someone else. nice..real nice.

so please, learn from me , and don't fall for cute..fall for brilliant :) hahah

processing muck

In all honesty, i have no idea what i am talking about. I DO know that I am in a deep processing mode, and today..well the past week, i have been processing the ideas behind risk vs. sacrifice and even more truly..relationship.

God created human beings so delicately and intricately. We were built for relationship; our bodies and minds attempt to understand the full manifestation of why we are here, and how we do this thing called...Love.

Jesus Christ expressed his love by not only risking his title (and leaving behind any and all reputation) but sacrificing his body to save souls. I, on the other hand, am risking my face by dating more than one person at a time, all the while being completely honest about it. In the end..i hope to sacrifice myself to only one person. I suppose comparing myself to the almighty savior, is a bit over the top, but you understand the analogy, yes? I am looking for Love. True Love..which takes risk and sacrifice.

Perhaps i am a crazy loon and more recently a "serial dater" but I am really trying to figure this whole thing out, and at the same time, risking what was built sacred; a perfect relationship, between myself and God.

I have a choice. To risk my relationships or sacrifice my flesh and put it behind me.
Right now, i am like watching a young child take apart a toy then trying to put it back together without the proper tools. Experts would say your child may be the perfect candidate for an engineer. In my case, i am the perfect candidate to a broken heart.

Now don't go getting sad for me, i have something valuable that some less experienced have been able to conquer through my"salad" of bad break ups. I have learned how to guard my heart. There is a definite line however to guarding the heart and shutting the heart off. Pushing a callous on your heart only devalues any sense of relationship, as well as compromises one's self; respecting one's body for instance.

In my recent "experiment" I came to a heart wrenching hypothesis. I say hypothesis, because by no means does learning relationship have any true conclusion...at least shouldn't... but more on that later.

Hypothesis: I am a needy, idealistic, indecisive creature.

Now this is the hypothesis for me, not everyone (perhaps?) here's my current scenario...it goes a little like this.

*I thought i liked a boy
*I go visit boy
*I meet other boy
*Boy 1 is great BUT
*i'm not as interested as Boy 2
*stop and realize. I may not be interested in either but instead just risked my entire self in realization:

Hypothesis: i am a needy, idealistic, indecisive creature..
Theory: I'm still experiencing everything. and in doing this, i play the game of Risk. The hard thing is, sometimes these "risks" i take i already know the end result. why i just don't sacrifice myself and not start anything....well thats just me being foolish.

With every fall, a scar is rewarded. that scar tells a story and that story is what reminds us of how not to repeat something. Sometimes we learn from other's scars, and a perfect example for me is the story of Jesus Christ. Even when he rose from the dead, he still had scars that remained and reminded the disciples of the sacrifice he took in order to free them from their sins.

By no means am i saying go out there, and do whatever you want and fully risk yourself, mind, body and soul. NONONONONO. What I am saying is, sometimes we put our selves out there, and get more than we expected. Having the responsibility over so many things, we need to make rational decisions, but even in ration we need to sacrifice. and it hurts. but that is a growing relationship. How does one grow without growing pains. If we never hurt, we never grow. We never risk, we never know.

As i close my ranting, i do need to say this. I am enjoying what life brings to me now, and perhaps this strange escapade is not only for me to experience. Perhaps its for you. A song to be inspired by or a story to get you moving. All i know is..I'm still figuring things out, but i need to start sacrificing my wants and risking what i THINK will be my losses and in turn gaining love.