processing muck

In all honesty, i have no idea what i am talking about. I DO know that I am in a deep processing mode, and today..well the past week, i have been processing the ideas behind risk vs. sacrifice and even more truly..relationship.

God created human beings so delicately and intricately. We were built for relationship; our bodies and minds attempt to understand the full manifestation of why we are here, and how we do this thing called...Love.

Jesus Christ expressed his love by not only risking his title (and leaving behind any and all reputation) but sacrificing his body to save souls. I, on the other hand, am risking my face by dating more than one person at a time, all the while being completely honest about it. In the end..i hope to sacrifice myself to only one person. I suppose comparing myself to the almighty savior, is a bit over the top, but you understand the analogy, yes? I am looking for Love. True Love..which takes risk and sacrifice.

Perhaps i am a crazy loon and more recently a "serial dater" but I am really trying to figure this whole thing out, and at the same time, risking what was built sacred; a perfect relationship, between myself and God.

I have a choice. To risk my relationships or sacrifice my flesh and put it behind me.
Right now, i am like watching a young child take apart a toy then trying to put it back together without the proper tools. Experts would say your child may be the perfect candidate for an engineer. In my case, i am the perfect candidate to a broken heart.

Now don't go getting sad for me, i have something valuable that some less experienced have been able to conquer through my"salad" of bad break ups. I have learned how to guard my heart. There is a definite line however to guarding the heart and shutting the heart off. Pushing a callous on your heart only devalues any sense of relationship, as well as compromises one's self; respecting one's body for instance.

In my recent "experiment" I came to a heart wrenching hypothesis. I say hypothesis, because by no means does learning relationship have any true conclusion...at least shouldn't... but more on that later.

Hypothesis: I am a needy, idealistic, indecisive creature.

Now this is the hypothesis for me, not everyone (perhaps?) here's my current scenario...it goes a little like this.

*I thought i liked a boy
*I go visit boy
*I meet other boy
*Boy 1 is great BUT
*i'm not as interested as Boy 2
*stop and realize. I may not be interested in either but instead just risked my entire self in realization:

Hypothesis: i am a needy, idealistic, indecisive creature..
Theory: I'm still experiencing everything. and in doing this, i play the game of Risk. The hard thing is, sometimes these "risks" i take i already know the end result. why i just don't sacrifice myself and not start anything....well thats just me being foolish.

With every fall, a scar is rewarded. that scar tells a story and that story is what reminds us of how not to repeat something. Sometimes we learn from other's scars, and a perfect example for me is the story of Jesus Christ. Even when he rose from the dead, he still had scars that remained and reminded the disciples of the sacrifice he took in order to free them from their sins.

By no means am i saying go out there, and do whatever you want and fully risk yourself, mind, body and soul. NONONONONO. What I am saying is, sometimes we put our selves out there, and get more than we expected. Having the responsibility over so many things, we need to make rational decisions, but even in ration we need to sacrifice. and it hurts. but that is a growing relationship. How does one grow without growing pains. If we never hurt, we never grow. We never risk, we never know.

As i close my ranting, i do need to say this. I am enjoying what life brings to me now, and perhaps this strange escapade is not only for me to experience. Perhaps its for you. A song to be inspired by or a story to get you moving. All i know is..I'm still figuring things out, but i need to start sacrificing my wants and risking what i THINK will be my losses and in turn gaining love.