new beginning

I’m currently sitting in the OGG airport in Maui. I’m waiting for a few friends of mine, hopefully getting ready to kick off the new year with good spirits, and many adventurous memories. I’m really really hungry, I don’t eat meat so there goes fast food, and I’m sooo exhausted. I have no idea what im sleeping on (other than i have a tent and a fleece sleeping bag), and i really need to stop the complaining. i’m in maui for peets sake!

I’m trying to b e in a good mood. Generally, i am...most of the time. Its rare i’m in a bad mood.
but currently its difficult for me to be in a good mood! I can’t really describe why or how i get into these moods, but it seems to be happening more and more often.

Recently i was invited to a Singles Cocktail party. It was a huge event, very elite, great food, and of course, some new people to meet, and not necessarilly to get a date out of, but instead a chance on meeting different people; different lives, different stories.

the event was put on by a generous couple who myself and other fellow friends have or had worked for at one time or another. Personally, i had been their Dog Walker for a 8 months before they shipped the long armed Woodle to Ohio. They felt it would be better for Duma. She would receive more love and have a lot more freedom to sprawl herself out.

The Clarks are a wonderful family who recently have taken on a greater project; running Santa BArbara’s very first Christian Highschool. It was their idea to gather all the young single folk they knew, place them in one room, and watch nature take its course. Imagine Planet Earth, or better yet, Mean Girls. The scene where “the book” is found and chaos is found in the jungles of the high school hallways. It wasn’t that animalistic..whatsoever, but i will say it was an interesting site to observe.

Dress bought, shoes polished, accessories strewn across the bathroom counter, i started to feel like a royal bitch. I don’t know what it was, what brought it on, but i just felt so uncomfortable, i even started to give myself the “eat shit and die” face.

I tried to shake it off, plugged in the ipod, and slowly painted on my face. I was hoping that would make me feel better, confident, exceptionally beautiful. As far as self esteem goes, I’ve never quite had a problem with it. I’m not saying this to be stuck up, but I suppose i grew up with much reassurance that I was a pretty awesome gal. My parents were exceptionately good at one thing while i was growing up; giving me attention:) I believe at times they slightly regret they did ( i knew they loved me ) the Princess complex: is what my mom refers to it as.

Spoiled i was, but never stuck up. I knew i was loved for who i was, in all my very special ways. Trying to reestablish the princess complex, i started to feel typical words in my mind and then sputter out my mouth. “you look aweful. you look like miss piggy minus the purple gloves and the snout. May be you shouldn’t go. you don’t need to meet anyone new. you probably know everyone anyway” Negative tic by negative bite came and swelled up to the point a few friends who were also attending called, and I just went buzurko on them! I didn’t want to! I really didn’t! I just got in a funk, and couldn’t shake it off.

I finally did however, and went to the party, miss piggy and all. I walked into the newly remodeled Kitchen at the Clarks and could hardly look up. I had to get out. i need some type of vice. Maybe a soggy cigarette would do?! no.. i just needed to get out.

As soon as i walked in the kitchen, my gaggle of beautiful single girlfriends came up to me and began prodding and touching my face my dress, my jewelry, and i stepped back. A tale of the crypt like voice ventured out of my mouth, “don’t touch me” I couldn’t take their compliments, thinking in my head “ they must have heard i was a crazy bitch on the phone. they are only complimenting to make me out of obligation.”

I slowly stepped back, and said I’d be right back. As i did, the host of this extravaganza, Amy, said hello asked how i was doing, and then i felt caught. In horror i wracked my brain of what to say, but the truth thankfully came out. “ i had a long drive, have been up since 5 and am truly exhausted. I’m just feeling a little strange” Amy the sweet heart and exceptional hostess she is, offered me a coke to wake me up. I had to get out.

I continued to step back through the formal dining room and out the main door, over the stone driveway, and down into the dark. The asphalt was wet with rain, and i wanted to burst out in some tragic song. As i was about to (no really. i admittingly will break out into some fantastical song when i’m overwhelmed.. but never in public of course) a dark figure came walking towards me and said hello. A bit startled i said a weak hello back.

I briskly scuttled to my car, got in, locked the doors, and thought aimlessly where I might have hidden a cigarette. I cried a little, more like whimpered, took a deep breath, and attempted positive action. Reassuring myself there would be some great momentous thing that came out of all this.

A few moments later i stepped back on to the wet asphalt, over the stone driveway, through the heavy iron door, into the formal dining room, and back into the newly remodeled kitchen, where sitting on a perfectly square napking was an ice cold coke..in a bottle! even better!

I was still a bit uncomfortable, but did my best to suck it up. I peered up to see my single guy friends all huddled in one big safe group, handsome in their best wares if you will.

I grabbed my coke and decided to start branching out. I turned and bumped into ( literally) the other half of the host, randy who was talking to a charming young man from South AFrica. I pushed a wide smile onto my face and with great surprise and excitement, was lifted from the evil demon inside of me. As Dick Van Dyke states in Bye Bye Birdie “you’re never fully dressed without a smile”

Was this truly the cure to my state of being? Perhaps. i will say yes, and believe it. So now while i’m sitting in the OGG airport in Maui, with a headache, starving, wishing i was home in my bed. I will smile. .. even though it physically hurts at this present moment..oh geez.