I laid there. Motionless. Waiting for 4pm to come. I waited for the moment I would begin to get ready. Foundation, eyeliner, chap stick. Keys, wallet, phone.
Before 4, I moved around slowly. I opened the door to my sound room and looked at the pile of work that had been neglected. I sat down. Piece by piece I went through it. Opened my email to erase past junk mail, but it was never ending.
I looked at my checklist. Pay AAA, Sign up with ASCAP, update Myspace. Monotonous. I looked at my door that is left up for my inspiration. Its filled with flyers of past shows and venues I'd played at. Pictures of friends now famous from when we were younger and going to the next football game was the only thing on our agenda. 2:30pm. I still felt like I had nothing done.
I felt like a dog trying to find its spot on the bed. Circling and circling then plopping down and settling. Then to realize the spot is still not right.
4pm. Foundation, eyeliner, chap stick. Keys, wallet, phone. I pulled out of the driveway. It began to flurry. Here I go. Back to my job. 4 hrs of work...for a $600 sale..for $15 pay. What am I doing.
I walked down the hallway and listened to each of my footsteps. Characterized by my heal I attempted to move slowly. And slowly in my thoughts I crept into work. Speaking to myself. I'm done. God just take me now. Nothing matters.
Success doesn't matter
Money doesn't matter
Who I am doesn't matter.
Purpose...what is purpose.
What is finding purpose and once found what do we do with it.
I'm done. Im so ready to meet God at the pearly gates of heaven. Thats all I want to do now. I don't want to talk to anyone or explain myself to anyone. I don't want to entertain anyone, or prove myself to anyone. I'm just done. GOD TAKE ME NOW! I scream inside.
I don't want to take my life. I just want to be done. I just want to say thank you. Thank you Heavenly Father, Please Please Please just wrap me in your arms. I surrender.
Cuz I'm done. so done.
God Help me.
About Me
- Lisa Goe
- www.lisagoe.com Too many miraculous, strange, hilarious things happen to me...so its about time you all experience it with me through the ups and down of lisagoe.com
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
So when does the fat lady sing
I pulled up to what looked like an old loading dock. In front of the structure, was a railroad track that just happened to have a circus train parked on it. I called my friend to make sure I was in the right location. I felt like I was on CSI about to scalevant the premises for some ground breaking evidence!
He opened the door to the building and we walked down a long hallway. Along the walls were an old vintage couch and boxes and boxes of a young man's cds. I smelled the incense and was interested to see what type of practice space we were heading into.
As Brendan opened the door my eyes lit up. I had never seen a space so amazing other than back in downtown la at my friend Crazy James. Every wall was covered in a story. Everything just breathed history and authenticity. I felt as if i had warped myself back home to CA where things made sense and moving forward was easy.
We sat down on a red velvet sectional. I took out my notebook and pen and grabbed the brilliant blue and gold indian inspired pillow from behind my back and into my lap. As I situated myself into the couch, Brendan had asked how life had been the past few days and somehow we got to talking about home in Santa Barbara. "Do you ever feel like you are just living for the day hoping the next day will be better" I couldn't have agreed more.
We continued our writing session with fervor and Brendan began to get hungry. We took a quick break and went to a local fave Mexican restaurant. We decided to get our meals to go. As we got back in the car a few more lines for our song came forward. We were anxious to eat, but as we got out of the car into the brisk afternoon air, Brendan told me about the circus train.
Apparently while the circus is in town, the train stops on the track. The performers use the train cars similar to a tour bus. After a long night of jumping, leaping, singing, and awing the crowd, they retreat back to the train cars. 'Wow' i thought what an amazing life. A life that never truly stops! It keeps going and going and going.
We walked back inside, and the familiar smell of incense enveloped my entire being and I was excited to finish our song. As we sat down to eat we got to talking more about home and what we missed about it. The food, the air, the people. As Brendan unrolled his last fish taco a strange burned like fragment rolled out. He looked at me, I looked at it, then looked at him, and he looked back down on it.
Brendan picked up this, what now looked like a burned end of a green onion and smelled it. As he sniffed it his nose twitched a little. He looked at me than slowly motioned the object close to my nose. As I smelled it we both started laughing hysterically. It wasn't an onion...it was the end of marijuana joint.
It was a strange relief to our conversation of home. It was beginning to get depressing discussing what I would be doing had I been back on the coast of California. The joint brought on a new adventure past the mundane day of waking up, going to work, writing a song, going to bed, lying awake wondering what my life is for. but it was a small smile to the mountain top of repetition for the day.
As we wrapped up our session and headed to my house to record a crap track, I took one last look at the train. I miss the road. I miss the excitement. I miss the adventure. I miss knowing that at the end of the long road a home awaits me. or does it. I wonder still what day i will lead tomorrow, and what person i would be if I stuck to staying at home, and if there has been any good of me moving and continuing my "dream". But! The Show must always go on, and the fat lady always sings over ..and over ..and over...it never truly stops...and I never truly will know.
He opened the door to the building and we walked down a long hallway. Along the walls were an old vintage couch and boxes and boxes of a young man's cds. I smelled the incense and was interested to see what type of practice space we were heading into.
As Brendan opened the door my eyes lit up. I had never seen a space so amazing other than back in downtown la at my friend Crazy James. Every wall was covered in a story. Everything just breathed history and authenticity. I felt as if i had warped myself back home to CA where things made sense and moving forward was easy.
We sat down on a red velvet sectional. I took out my notebook and pen and grabbed the brilliant blue and gold indian inspired pillow from behind my back and into my lap. As I situated myself into the couch, Brendan had asked how life had been the past few days and somehow we got to talking about home in Santa Barbara. "Do you ever feel like you are just living for the day hoping the next day will be better" I couldn't have agreed more.
We continued our writing session with fervor and Brendan began to get hungry. We took a quick break and went to a local fave Mexican restaurant. We decided to get our meals to go. As we got back in the car a few more lines for our song came forward. We were anxious to eat, but as we got out of the car into the brisk afternoon air, Brendan told me about the circus train.
Apparently while the circus is in town, the train stops on the track. The performers use the train cars similar to a tour bus. After a long night of jumping, leaping, singing, and awing the crowd, they retreat back to the train cars. 'Wow' i thought what an amazing life. A life that never truly stops! It keeps going and going and going.
We walked back inside, and the familiar smell of incense enveloped my entire being and I was excited to finish our song. As we sat down to eat we got to talking more about home and what we missed about it. The food, the air, the people. As Brendan unrolled his last fish taco a strange burned like fragment rolled out. He looked at me, I looked at it, then looked at him, and he looked back down on it.
Brendan picked up this, what now looked like a burned end of a green onion and smelled it. As he sniffed it his nose twitched a little. He looked at me than slowly motioned the object close to my nose. As I smelled it we both started laughing hysterically. It wasn't an onion...it was the end of marijuana joint.
It was a strange relief to our conversation of home. It was beginning to get depressing discussing what I would be doing had I been back on the coast of California. The joint brought on a new adventure past the mundane day of waking up, going to work, writing a song, going to bed, lying awake wondering what my life is for. but it was a small smile to the mountain top of repetition for the day.
As we wrapped up our session and headed to my house to record a crap track, I took one last look at the train. I miss the road. I miss the excitement. I miss the adventure. I miss knowing that at the end of the long road a home awaits me. or does it. I wonder still what day i will lead tomorrow, and what person i would be if I stuck to staying at home, and if there has been any good of me moving and continuing my "dream". But! The Show must always go on, and the fat lady always sings over ..and over ..and over...it never truly stops...and I never truly will know.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
PAULY D!
Thanks to my friend Andy, we had a great Birthday dinner and then fist pumped our way to McFaddens and blew the night away!! enjoy our escapade.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Its simple..be honest with yourself
Ha!
I've been told again, that maybe..just maybe my standards on trust in people is too high. I was also told that anything someone does for me is never enough. Its always wrong, and I'm impossible to please. I never thought I'd hear the words I'd yell at my father about towards me.
You tell yourself in the mirror, "When I grow up I will never be like my parents" Too bad I'm just like everyone who finds them self with their finger pointed at their child. The shock of this gesture doesn't make you stop. Oh no! You keep going! And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm just like my father.
I Love my dad. He's charismatic, generous, inventive, but he has a temper that is intolerable and is stubborn as a crooked nail. I never wanted to hear that I was difficult to please. I never meant for tears to come down a grown mans face as he pleaded with me to trust him, but I couldn't. And I can't.
There's something we as humans hate to do, admit we're wrong! We're embarrassed and hide behind our subconscious. I learned a long time ago, that this type of behavior, helps no one. And although it may hurt to tell someone the truth, and of course being tactful about it, you can save a stream of tears. There are times when its best to keep your mouth shut, especially when its to be spiteful. My problem is when someone says they are going to do one thing, and then do the complete opposite.
Too often people lie to their significant others. "Honey, I'm going out. Be back at midnight!" What he forgot to tell you, is he went out to the bar to meet the bartender that's been juggling his pin balls if you know what I mean.
Then there's the case of "I did have to go to the bathroom, just by the time I got there I went straight past it and made out with the waitress" It just disgusts me.
What would happen if we were just honest with ourselves and said "you know what...i want something more adventurous. we need to separate" would someone be upset .. yes! but it would be honest, and the pain of that is a lot simpler than walking in and seeing the scene over and over again. Her leg lifted up on his hip, his hands wrapped behind her neck, pressed against a table..and you are but 2 feet away. Part of you wants it to be a mirage..and the other part wants to punch a wall.
So you see this horrid scene and then you continue to see it for the next some odd years so that when anyone comes your way all you wonder is, "how long until he gets bored" So you separate, and when he tries to do something sweet..you wonder why. What did he do now. Or when he gets a text message your heart skips a thousand beats, or when you decide to go to a dinner party you scan the room looking for his type, which is of course not you, and realize they're making eyes at one another, and you wonder...have they already been together behind my back.
This is obviously not new to me. I am a basket case when it comes to relationships. I'm great at initially trusting, but i can smell a rat before they even begin to die and rot. I am an open bag. you come to me, I will trust you way too much. If you answer dishonestly, i lose my trust and its a lifetime of gaining it back...
So anyone who is honest enough with themselves to handle the challenge, call me up. And those who think they can handle. Stop. Think. Be honest with yourself, and don't break my heart. I have enough journals of sob stories.
I've been told again, that maybe..just maybe my standards on trust in people is too high. I was also told that anything someone does for me is never enough. Its always wrong, and I'm impossible to please. I never thought I'd hear the words I'd yell at my father about towards me.
You tell yourself in the mirror, "When I grow up I will never be like my parents" Too bad I'm just like everyone who finds them self with their finger pointed at their child. The shock of this gesture doesn't make you stop. Oh no! You keep going! And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm just like my father.
I Love my dad. He's charismatic, generous, inventive, but he has a temper that is intolerable and is stubborn as a crooked nail. I never wanted to hear that I was difficult to please. I never meant for tears to come down a grown mans face as he pleaded with me to trust him, but I couldn't. And I can't.
There's something we as humans hate to do, admit we're wrong! We're embarrassed and hide behind our subconscious. I learned a long time ago, that this type of behavior, helps no one. And although it may hurt to tell someone the truth, and of course being tactful about it, you can save a stream of tears. There are times when its best to keep your mouth shut, especially when its to be spiteful. My problem is when someone says they are going to do one thing, and then do the complete opposite.
Too often people lie to their significant others. "Honey, I'm going out. Be back at midnight!" What he forgot to tell you, is he went out to the bar to meet the bartender that's been juggling his pin balls if you know what I mean.
Then there's the case of "I did have to go to the bathroom, just by the time I got there I went straight past it and made out with the waitress" It just disgusts me.
What would happen if we were just honest with ourselves and said "you know what...i want something more adventurous. we need to separate" would someone be upset .. yes! but it would be honest, and the pain of that is a lot simpler than walking in and seeing the scene over and over again. Her leg lifted up on his hip, his hands wrapped behind her neck, pressed against a table..and you are but 2 feet away. Part of you wants it to be a mirage..and the other part wants to punch a wall.
So you see this horrid scene and then you continue to see it for the next some odd years so that when anyone comes your way all you wonder is, "how long until he gets bored" So you separate, and when he tries to do something sweet..you wonder why. What did he do now. Or when he gets a text message your heart skips a thousand beats, or when you decide to go to a dinner party you scan the room looking for his type, which is of course not you, and realize they're making eyes at one another, and you wonder...have they already been together behind my back.
This is obviously not new to me. I am a basket case when it comes to relationships. I'm great at initially trusting, but i can smell a rat before they even begin to die and rot. I am an open bag. you come to me, I will trust you way too much. If you answer dishonestly, i lose my trust and its a lifetime of gaining it back...
So anyone who is honest enough with themselves to handle the challenge, call me up. And those who think they can handle. Stop. Think. Be honest with yourself, and don't break my heart. I have enough journals of sob stories.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
iTUNES!
Check it!
Brendan McCarthy's album Yellow Roses released almost a year ago, but thought y'all should know, that I'm guest appearing on it! oooh!!
*Love, Love, Love
*40 days
*Slow Dance
*Butterflies
Enjoy!!
7:45 am
It seems that 7:45am is when my body decides it wants to wake up. The problem is my brain ends up winning over the battle of in bed or out. Today was different. I woke up threw on my puffer vest and headed out the door. I suppose it did help that I was taking my friend to the airport, but somehow I kept thinking "what is this life for. Certainly not to sleep all day!"
I looked over at my coat rack. I have a bit of a coat/jacket problem. Where some people bring their pazillion shoes, I bring a gajillion jackets. I began thinking..I should get rid of half of my clothes...but I'm too lazy to rummage through them today. I suppose this is when my heart and brain met in the middle. All of Life is dust. My petty things mean nothing in the end. My heart ache for bad love affairs is nothing. My success is nothing. After a good wall stare, I proceeded out the door and into my car.
The night had left an icy layer of frost on the car. As I turned the engine on, I was stopped again by my thoughts. "What is this life for. Where should I head today" I began to think of the few places around Nashville I could venture to. After all it was early enough to get somewhere and be back by morning. I picked up my friend and dropped her off at the airport and within that time, forgot my previous thoughts. The thoughts crept back in when I began my journey back home.
My mind venture dissipated as the realization of work came to the forefront.
So what do I do now with my 7:45am wake up and go call. I attempt to write, while at the same time wonder.. What is this life for..
I looked over at my coat rack. I have a bit of a coat/jacket problem. Where some people bring their pazillion shoes, I bring a gajillion jackets. I began thinking..I should get rid of half of my clothes...but I'm too lazy to rummage through them today. I suppose this is when my heart and brain met in the middle. All of Life is dust. My petty things mean nothing in the end. My heart ache for bad love affairs is nothing. My success is nothing. After a good wall stare, I proceeded out the door and into my car.
The night had left an icy layer of frost on the car. As I turned the engine on, I was stopped again by my thoughts. "What is this life for. Where should I head today" I began to think of the few places around Nashville I could venture to. After all it was early enough to get somewhere and be back by morning. I picked up my friend and dropped her off at the airport and within that time, forgot my previous thoughts. The thoughts crept back in when I began my journey back home.
My mind venture dissipated as the realization of work came to the forefront.
So what do I do now with my 7:45am wake up and go call. I attempt to write, while at the same time wonder.. What is this life for..
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
New Day
Yay!
I'm flyin to California tomorrow, and I can't wait! Its just too bad I only have a few days to enjoy:(
not much to say. Just pictures to share.
FIRST SNOW!
See you gals soon!
I'm flyin to California tomorrow, and I can't wait! Its just too bad I only have a few days to enjoy:(
not much to say. Just pictures to share.
FIRST SNOW!
See you gals soon!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Guide 101
I woke up this morning refreshed. Problem was I couldn't get out of bed. My arm reached over to grab my phone, and as i grabbed it i looked over at my side table filled with all types of crap that I probably should clean up. 7:45. A good time to wake up, but I rolled inside my cave and continued dreaming.
Do you ever have those dreams where you think they're real so you wake up totally disgusted, or sad, or absolutely ecstatic. I'm hoping my morning depression is due to my dream psyche rather than the fact that maybe just maybe I'm actually depressed.
In order to understand my possible reasoning for a sad morning, here is some context.
I had to burn a bridge a good 6 months ago with a girl who claimed to be a friend but instead pursued my boyfriend at the time and then had the nerve to try and call me and hang out when a few of my well known musician friends had a concert. The text messages went as follows:
"Hey girl! You going to the show tonight?"
me: "no"
"Well, my friend thought she grabbed a ticket but now they're sold out didn't know if you knew of any extra tickets"
me: "no"
"Alright well let me know if you're doing anything later on"
me:.........
"I'm not using you or anything. See you later!"
me: "yeah..you should tell your friend she needs to get that stuff taken care of earlier. I'll be with them later anyways"
I later twittered fake places i was ...still curious to know if she actually went there. This may seem mean and unnecessary but prior to this random conversation, my boyfriend at the time was receiving obviously flirtatious text messages from this same individual.
When I met...Jay, we'll call him. I wasn't looking for anything but a good time. I had been on the road, which is basically like summer camp, and similar to high school summer camp, a "relationship" was when you made out and held hands in public...for a week.
I was nervous when he continued to pursue me, but the more I got to really know this boy, the more I began to actually like him, beyond a few months. He was patient, kind, and he put up with all my crap! I really put that boy through the ringer. I really don't know how anyone else can handle the package of Lisa Goe. But he did it with flying colors.
When we were still getting to know each other, we never told anyone how close we had actually become. I used this to my advantage to see what type of guy he really was. Like most men I was attracted to, I assumed he was a genuine player, and I heard he was. Apparently he dated or made out with everyone in the work place, including the burn I had to bridge...we'll call her Sara.
Sara was a beautiful tall girl, young, but spunky, and we got to talking about guys one day at work. She opened up about her and Jay going out a few times, and how he really still liked her. I laughed inside thinking " ok...so he's REALLY good at hiding things, but now he's met his match! muhahahah!" and then I got to thinking "maybe all these girls are delusional.
Jay and I continued to keep our dating relationship on the down low. It became a game for me. I found out just how many girls thought they had something going on with him, and at the same time, Jay would tell me what REALLY happened. OH how i loved the truth. And no, i'm not about to say "but then!" because really..he was telling the truth.
He told me that yes he had made out with a few of the girls at work but they were a year or so ago, and with Sara, she wasn't very receptive, and he realized she maybe wasn't someone he needed. I later pulled it out of the girls, but it made me sad to see them think that maybe something could actually still happen.
Naturally people started to notice how close Jay and I became, but everyone seemed to think we were just close friends. I finally came out to Sara and told her about our relationship. I could tell Sara was a bit hurt, so I tried not to talk about it too much, but we became closer, she then had a boyfriend so I felt she was a safe person to confide in.
I enjoyed hanging out with Sara but something told me not to share too much information. She was an aspiring artist, and at times I felt I was only her friend for the people I knew, so I kept my mouth shut. Other than my small taste of possibly being used more as a tool than a friend, we were pretty good pals.
One night, a few of our friends were going to come over to hang out, so Jay and I made some mixed drinks and retreated back to my room. I heard his phone beep. I never had to spy on Jay we just had a very open communicative relationship so when I checked his phone to see who had text messaged him I was shocked. I pushed him off the bed and started going hysterical.
"Are you cheating on me?!! Just tell me are you!! ARE YOU!!"
Jay: "What? what are you talking about? Who text messaged me?"
"OH..I dunno SAra?! Apparently she is "At Jackson's" and "thinking of you" Did you go out on a date or something?!"
Jay: "Calm down. Maybe she's drunk. We went out before you and I even met. I took her to Jacksons"
I calmed down but was stunned. Are you serious? Mind you, yes, Jay and I broke up for a little bit which did make him single for a day or so, but we got back together. Am I wrong to think in girl code? If your girl and her boy break up, and you are the main person she confides in..aren't you NOT supposed to flirt with her ex!!!!!!
Anyhow. now..the dream.
I had one of those rotating dreams. The dreams you keep repeating in your head over and over and over. Basically Jay and Sara started dating in this dream. I saw them walking up to a house for a dinner party or something. It crushed me!!!
I woke up this morning a. feeling sad about that and then b. what am i doing with my life.
I just spent however many minutes sharing a story about a great relationship I had but was it of value to the rest of my life?! Am I happier now because of it?! maybe. I miss my old self. my motivated self, my artistic write a song, dream to be on the MMC self. but instead. I have dreams, about a broken heart.
Do you ever have those dreams where you think they're real so you wake up totally disgusted, or sad, or absolutely ecstatic. I'm hoping my morning depression is due to my dream psyche rather than the fact that maybe just maybe I'm actually depressed.
In order to understand my possible reasoning for a sad morning, here is some context.
I had to burn a bridge a good 6 months ago with a girl who claimed to be a friend but instead pursued my boyfriend at the time and then had the nerve to try and call me and hang out when a few of my well known musician friends had a concert. The text messages went as follows:
"Hey girl! You going to the show tonight?"
me: "no"
"Well, my friend thought she grabbed a ticket but now they're sold out didn't know if you knew of any extra tickets"
me: "no"
"Alright well let me know if you're doing anything later on"
me:.........
"I'm not using you or anything. See you later!"
me: "yeah..you should tell your friend she needs to get that stuff taken care of earlier. I'll be with them later anyways"
I later twittered fake places i was ...still curious to know if she actually went there. This may seem mean and unnecessary but prior to this random conversation, my boyfriend at the time was receiving obviously flirtatious text messages from this same individual.
When I met...Jay, we'll call him. I wasn't looking for anything but a good time. I had been on the road, which is basically like summer camp, and similar to high school summer camp, a "relationship" was when you made out and held hands in public...for a week.
I was nervous when he continued to pursue me, but the more I got to really know this boy, the more I began to actually like him, beyond a few months. He was patient, kind, and he put up with all my crap! I really put that boy through the ringer. I really don't know how anyone else can handle the package of Lisa Goe. But he did it with flying colors.
When we were still getting to know each other, we never told anyone how close we had actually become. I used this to my advantage to see what type of guy he really was. Like most men I was attracted to, I assumed he was a genuine player, and I heard he was. Apparently he dated or made out with everyone in the work place, including the burn I had to bridge...we'll call her Sara.
Sara was a beautiful tall girl, young, but spunky, and we got to talking about guys one day at work. She opened up about her and Jay going out a few times, and how he really still liked her. I laughed inside thinking " ok...so he's REALLY good at hiding things, but now he's met his match! muhahahah!" and then I got to thinking "maybe all these girls are delusional.
Jay and I continued to keep our dating relationship on the down low. It became a game for me. I found out just how many girls thought they had something going on with him, and at the same time, Jay would tell me what REALLY happened. OH how i loved the truth. And no, i'm not about to say "but then!" because really..he was telling the truth.
He told me that yes he had made out with a few of the girls at work but they were a year or so ago, and with Sara, she wasn't very receptive, and he realized she maybe wasn't someone he needed. I later pulled it out of the girls, but it made me sad to see them think that maybe something could actually still happen.
Naturally people started to notice how close Jay and I became, but everyone seemed to think we were just close friends. I finally came out to Sara and told her about our relationship. I could tell Sara was a bit hurt, so I tried not to talk about it too much, but we became closer, she then had a boyfriend so I felt she was a safe person to confide in.
I enjoyed hanging out with Sara but something told me not to share too much information. She was an aspiring artist, and at times I felt I was only her friend for the people I knew, so I kept my mouth shut. Other than my small taste of possibly being used more as a tool than a friend, we were pretty good pals.
One night, a few of our friends were going to come over to hang out, so Jay and I made some mixed drinks and retreated back to my room. I heard his phone beep. I never had to spy on Jay we just had a very open communicative relationship so when I checked his phone to see who had text messaged him I was shocked. I pushed him off the bed and started going hysterical.
"Are you cheating on me?!! Just tell me are you!! ARE YOU!!"
Jay: "What? what are you talking about? Who text messaged me?"
"OH..I dunno SAra?! Apparently she is "At Jackson's" and "thinking of you" Did you go out on a date or something?!"
Jay: "Calm down. Maybe she's drunk. We went out before you and I even met. I took her to Jacksons"
I calmed down but was stunned. Are you serious? Mind you, yes, Jay and I broke up for a little bit which did make him single for a day or so, but we got back together. Am I wrong to think in girl code? If your girl and her boy break up, and you are the main person she confides in..aren't you NOT supposed to flirt with her ex!!!!!!
Anyhow. now..the dream.
I had one of those rotating dreams. The dreams you keep repeating in your head over and over and over. Basically Jay and Sara started dating in this dream. I saw them walking up to a house for a dinner party or something. It crushed me!!!
I woke up this morning a. feeling sad about that and then b. what am i doing with my life.
I just spent however many minutes sharing a story about a great relationship I had but was it of value to the rest of my life?! Am I happier now because of it?! maybe. I miss my old self. my motivated self, my artistic write a song, dream to be on the MMC self. but instead. I have dreams, about a broken heart.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Kraft Singles
For dinner, I made myself a grilled cheese and whipped up a cup of clam chowder soup.
I reminisced over the smell of the clam chowder as it sat in the frying pan I used, to make my grilled cheese.
My mom used to make clam chowder, but she used the soup as a pasta sauce. We had pasta every night of the week. She would make what seemed to be, enough pasta for a small army. But kids eyes exaggerate what they can't reach.
Most days my dad would stay in his garage converted "office". I could hear him and his buddies throwing back a few beers and watching the tv. When my parents weren't busy working, they were busy cleaning or arguing. I played by myself a lot. I suppose that's where entertaining came in. Me and any mirror were best friends. We'd talk and dance and play for hours.
I remember the first boy I liked. I remember my romantic fairy tales I'd conjure in my head. I remember being teased by my parents. I remember not wanting to share a thing with them until later. I remember not wanting to be a romantic. I was so forward after 18 years, my father was more happy that I wasn't a lesbian rather than the fact I told him I had sex.
And As my innocence corroded, came the so called relationships, but I would have to say, I've really had only one boyfriend.
We broke up 5 months ago, and it hadn't really struck me till I saw him with another girl. flirting and touching and smiling, like the day we first met. I felt it was a bit disrespectful as I had been very considerate to not force him to watch my pursuits (of which I had many after the break up).
So thankfully due to our bizarre and very open and honest relationship, I brought it up. We discussed his concerns, my concerns, his jealousy, my jealousy. Then we spoke of friends, God, and then family. I was shocked and concerned to hear he had a phobia of marriage.
"I never want to get married. Its something people do when they get lonely and bored. All of my married friends don't do anything. They just stay home and go to work, then they have kids, and then what! They just get bored. But I suppose its something I'll do"
I unwrapped the Kraft Single American cheese. I rarely ever use this processed packaged queso. "Grow up" I thought to myself, projecting how I felt about my ex on this grade school excuse for cheese. But is that what we are. Are all singles my age (late 20's) pre packaged just waiting to be sandwiched into some perfect idea of a delicious toasty sandwich? Perhaps. It does seem that way. But I challenge a difference.
I reminisced over the smell of the clam chowder as it sat in the frying pan I used, to make my grilled cheese.
My mom used to make clam chowder, but she used the soup as a pasta sauce. We had pasta every night of the week. She would make what seemed to be, enough pasta for a small army. But kids eyes exaggerate what they can't reach.
Most days my dad would stay in his garage converted "office". I could hear him and his buddies throwing back a few beers and watching the tv. When my parents weren't busy working, they were busy cleaning or arguing. I played by myself a lot. I suppose that's where entertaining came in. Me and any mirror were best friends. We'd talk and dance and play for hours.
I remember the first boy I liked. I remember my romantic fairy tales I'd conjure in my head. I remember being teased by my parents. I remember not wanting to share a thing with them until later. I remember not wanting to be a romantic. I was so forward after 18 years, my father was more happy that I wasn't a lesbian rather than the fact I told him I had sex.
And As my innocence corroded, came the so called relationships, but I would have to say, I've really had only one boyfriend.
We broke up 5 months ago, and it hadn't really struck me till I saw him with another girl. flirting and touching and smiling, like the day we first met. I felt it was a bit disrespectful as I had been very considerate to not force him to watch my pursuits (of which I had many after the break up).
So thankfully due to our bizarre and very open and honest relationship, I brought it up. We discussed his concerns, my concerns, his jealousy, my jealousy. Then we spoke of friends, God, and then family. I was shocked and concerned to hear he had a phobia of marriage.
"I never want to get married. Its something people do when they get lonely and bored. All of my married friends don't do anything. They just stay home and go to work, then they have kids, and then what! They just get bored. But I suppose its something I'll do"
I unwrapped the Kraft Single American cheese. I rarely ever use this processed packaged queso. "Grow up" I thought to myself, projecting how I felt about my ex on this grade school excuse for cheese. But is that what we are. Are all singles my age (late 20's) pre packaged just waiting to be sandwiched into some perfect idea of a delicious toasty sandwich? Perhaps. It does seem that way. But I challenge a difference.
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