Done

I laid there. Motionless. Waiting for 4pm to come. I waited for the moment I would begin to get ready. Foundation, eyeliner, chap stick. Keys, wallet, phone.

Before 4, I moved around slowly. I opened the door to my sound room and looked at the pile of work that had been neglected. I sat down. Piece by piece I went through it. Opened my email to erase past junk mail, but it was never ending.

I looked at my checklist. Pay AAA, Sign up with ASCAP, update Myspace. Monotonous. I looked at my door that is left up for my inspiration. Its filled with flyers of past shows and venues I'd played at. Pictures of friends now famous from when we were younger and going to the next football game was the only thing on our agenda. 2:30pm. I still felt like I had nothing done.

I felt like a dog trying to find its spot on the bed. Circling and circling then plopping down and settling. Then to realize the spot is still not right.

4pm. Foundation, eyeliner, chap stick. Keys, wallet, phone. I pulled out of the driveway. It began to flurry. Here I go. Back to my job. 4 hrs of work...for a $600 sale..for $15 pay. What am I doing.

I walked down the hallway and listened to each of my footsteps. Characterized by my heal I attempted to move slowly. And slowly in my thoughts I crept into work. Speaking to myself. I'm done. God just take me now. Nothing matters.

Success doesn't matter
Money doesn't matter
Who I am doesn't matter.
Purpose...what is purpose.
What is finding purpose and once found what do we do with it.

I'm done. Im so ready to meet God at the pearly gates of heaven. Thats all I want to do now. I don't want to talk to anyone or explain myself to anyone. I don't want to entertain anyone, or prove myself to anyone. I'm just done. GOD TAKE ME NOW! I scream inside.

I don't want to take my life. I just want to be done. I just want to say thank you. Thank you Heavenly Father, Please Please Please just wrap me in your arms. I surrender.

Cuz I'm done. so done.

God Help me.