Guide 101

I woke up this morning refreshed. Problem was I couldn't get out of bed. My arm reached over to grab my phone, and as i grabbed it i looked over at my side table filled with all types of crap that I probably should clean up. 7:45. A good time to wake up, but I rolled inside my cave and continued dreaming.

Do you ever have those dreams where you think they're real so you wake up totally disgusted, or sad, or absolutely ecstatic. I'm hoping my morning depression is due to my dream psyche rather than the fact that maybe just maybe I'm actually depressed.

In order to understand my possible reasoning for a sad morning, here is some context.

I had to burn a bridge a good 6 months ago with a girl who claimed to be a friend but instead pursued my boyfriend at the time and then had the nerve to try and call me and hang out when a few of my well known musician friends had a concert. The text messages went as follows:

"Hey girl! You going to the show tonight?"

me: "no"

"Well, my friend thought she grabbed a ticket but now they're sold out didn't know if you knew of any extra tickets"

me: "no"

"Alright well let me know if you're doing anything later on"

me:.........

"I'm not using you or anything. See you later!"

me: "yeah..you should tell your friend she needs to get that stuff taken care of earlier. I'll be with them later anyways"

I later twittered fake places i was ...still curious to know if she actually went there. This may seem mean and unnecessary but prior to this random conversation, my boyfriend at the time was receiving obviously flirtatious text messages from this same individual.

When I met...Jay, we'll call him. I wasn't looking for anything but a good time. I had been on the road, which is basically like summer camp, and similar to high school summer camp, a "relationship" was when you made out and held hands in public...for a week.

I was nervous when he continued to pursue me, but the more I got to really know this boy, the more I began to actually like him, beyond a few months. He was patient, kind, and he put up with all my crap! I really put that boy through the ringer. I really don't know how anyone else can handle the package of Lisa Goe. But he did it with flying colors.

When we were still getting to know each other, we never told anyone how close we had actually become. I used this to my advantage to see what type of guy he really was. Like most men I was attracted to, I assumed he was a genuine player, and I heard he was. Apparently he dated or made out with everyone in the work place, including the burn I had to bridge...we'll call her Sara.

Sara was a beautiful tall girl, young, but spunky, and we got to talking about guys one day at work. She opened up about her and Jay going out a few times, and how he really still liked her. I laughed inside thinking " ok...so he's REALLY good at hiding things, but now he's met his match! muhahahah!" and then I got to thinking "maybe all these girls are delusional.

Jay and I continued to keep our dating relationship on the down low. It became a game for me. I found out just how many girls thought they had something going on with him, and at the same time, Jay would tell me what REALLY happened. OH how i loved the truth. And no, i'm not about to say "but then!" because really..he was telling the truth.

He told me that yes he had made out with a few of the girls at work but they were a year or so ago, and with Sara, she wasn't very receptive, and he realized she maybe wasn't someone he needed. I later pulled it out of the girls, but it made me sad to see them think that maybe something could actually still happen.

Naturally people started to notice how close Jay and I became, but everyone seemed to think we were just close friends. I finally came out to Sara and told her about our relationship. I could tell Sara was a bit hurt, so I tried not to talk about it too much, but we became closer, she then had a boyfriend so I felt she was a safe person to confide in.

I enjoyed hanging out with Sara but something told me not to share too much information. She was an aspiring artist, and at times I felt I was only her friend for the people I knew, so I kept my mouth shut. Other than my small taste of possibly being used more as a tool than a friend, we were pretty good pals.

One night, a few of our friends were going to come over to hang out, so Jay and I made some mixed drinks and retreated back to my room. I heard his phone beep. I never had to spy on Jay we just had a very open communicative relationship so when I checked his phone to see who had text messaged him I was shocked. I pushed him off the bed and started going hysterical.

"Are you cheating on me?!! Just tell me are you!! ARE YOU!!"

Jay: "What? what are you talking about? Who text messaged me?"

"OH..I dunno SAra?! Apparently she is "At Jackson's" and "thinking of you" Did you go out on a date or something?!"

Jay: "Calm down. Maybe she's drunk. We went out before you and I even met. I took her to Jacksons"

I calmed down but was stunned. Are you serious? Mind you, yes, Jay and I broke up for a little bit which did make him single for a day or so, but we got back together. Am I wrong to think in girl code? If your girl and her boy break up, and you are the main person she confides in..aren't you NOT supposed to flirt with her ex!!!!!!

Anyhow. now..the dream.

I had one of those rotating dreams. The dreams you keep repeating in your head over and over and over. Basically Jay and Sara started dating in this dream. I saw them walking up to a house for a dinner party or something. It crushed me!!!

I woke up this morning a. feeling sad about that and then b. what am i doing with my life.

I just spent however many minutes sharing a story about a great relationship I had but was it of value to the rest of my life?! Am I happier now because of it?! maybe. I miss my old self. my motivated self, my artistic write a song, dream to be on the MMC self. but instead. I have dreams, about a broken heart.