new beginning

I’m currently sitting in the OGG airport in Maui. I’m waiting for a few friends of mine, hopefully getting ready to kick off the new year with good spirits, and many adventurous memories. I’m really really hungry, I don’t eat meat so there goes fast food, and I’m sooo exhausted. I have no idea what im sleeping on (other than i have a tent and a fleece sleeping bag), and i really need to stop the complaining. i’m in maui for peets sake!

I’m trying to b e in a good mood. Generally, i am...most of the time. Its rare i’m in a bad mood.
but currently its difficult for me to be in a good mood! I can’t really describe why or how i get into these moods, but it seems to be happening more and more often.

Recently i was invited to a Singles Cocktail party. It was a huge event, very elite, great food, and of course, some new people to meet, and not necessarilly to get a date out of, but instead a chance on meeting different people; different lives, different stories.

the event was put on by a generous couple who myself and other fellow friends have or had worked for at one time or another. Personally, i had been their Dog Walker for a 8 months before they shipped the long armed Woodle to Ohio. They felt it would be better for Duma. She would receive more love and have a lot more freedom to sprawl herself out.

The Clarks are a wonderful family who recently have taken on a greater project; running Santa BArbara’s very first Christian Highschool. It was their idea to gather all the young single folk they knew, place them in one room, and watch nature take its course. Imagine Planet Earth, or better yet, Mean Girls. The scene where “the book” is found and chaos is found in the jungles of the high school hallways. It wasn’t that animalistic..whatsoever, but i will say it was an interesting site to observe.

Dress bought, shoes polished, accessories strewn across the bathroom counter, i started to feel like a royal bitch. I don’t know what it was, what brought it on, but i just felt so uncomfortable, i even started to give myself the “eat shit and die” face.

I tried to shake it off, plugged in the ipod, and slowly painted on my face. I was hoping that would make me feel better, confident, exceptionally beautiful. As far as self esteem goes, I’ve never quite had a problem with it. I’m not saying this to be stuck up, but I suppose i grew up with much reassurance that I was a pretty awesome gal. My parents were exceptionately good at one thing while i was growing up; giving me attention:) I believe at times they slightly regret they did ( i knew they loved me ) the Princess complex: is what my mom refers to it as.

Spoiled i was, but never stuck up. I knew i was loved for who i was, in all my very special ways. Trying to reestablish the princess complex, i started to feel typical words in my mind and then sputter out my mouth. “you look aweful. you look like miss piggy minus the purple gloves and the snout. May be you shouldn’t go. you don’t need to meet anyone new. you probably know everyone anyway” Negative tic by negative bite came and swelled up to the point a few friends who were also attending called, and I just went buzurko on them! I didn’t want to! I really didn’t! I just got in a funk, and couldn’t shake it off.

I finally did however, and went to the party, miss piggy and all. I walked into the newly remodeled Kitchen at the Clarks and could hardly look up. I had to get out. i need some type of vice. Maybe a soggy cigarette would do?! no.. i just needed to get out.

As soon as i walked in the kitchen, my gaggle of beautiful single girlfriends came up to me and began prodding and touching my face my dress, my jewelry, and i stepped back. A tale of the crypt like voice ventured out of my mouth, “don’t touch me” I couldn’t take their compliments, thinking in my head “ they must have heard i was a crazy bitch on the phone. they are only complimenting to make me out of obligation.”

I slowly stepped back, and said I’d be right back. As i did, the host of this extravaganza, Amy, said hello asked how i was doing, and then i felt caught. In horror i wracked my brain of what to say, but the truth thankfully came out. “ i had a long drive, have been up since 5 and am truly exhausted. I’m just feeling a little strange” Amy the sweet heart and exceptional hostess she is, offered me a coke to wake me up. I had to get out.

I continued to step back through the formal dining room and out the main door, over the stone driveway, and down into the dark. The asphalt was wet with rain, and i wanted to burst out in some tragic song. As i was about to (no really. i admittingly will break out into some fantastical song when i’m overwhelmed.. but never in public of course) a dark figure came walking towards me and said hello. A bit startled i said a weak hello back.

I briskly scuttled to my car, got in, locked the doors, and thought aimlessly where I might have hidden a cigarette. I cried a little, more like whimpered, took a deep breath, and attempted positive action. Reassuring myself there would be some great momentous thing that came out of all this.

A few moments later i stepped back on to the wet asphalt, over the stone driveway, through the heavy iron door, into the formal dining room, and back into the newly remodeled kitchen, where sitting on a perfectly square napking was an ice cold coke..in a bottle! even better!

I was still a bit uncomfortable, but did my best to suck it up. I peered up to see my single guy friends all huddled in one big safe group, handsome in their best wares if you will.

I grabbed my coke and decided to start branching out. I turned and bumped into ( literally) the other half of the host, randy who was talking to a charming young man from South AFrica. I pushed a wide smile onto my face and with great surprise and excitement, was lifted from the evil demon inside of me. As Dick Van Dyke states in Bye Bye Birdie “you’re never fully dressed without a smile”

Was this truly the cure to my state of being? Perhaps. i will say yes, and believe it. So now while i’m sitting in the OGG airport in Maui, with a headache, starving, wishing i was home in my bed. I will smile. .. even though it physically hurts at this present moment..oh geez.

Senior Year

So this is what i do on the side.
i'm a little bit giddy goofy in this snippet.
but please note the awesomeness of this band. i love them dearly.

Lisa Goe and David Fertello at Soho

To those who couldn't be there:

CAMP!

I went to camp last weekend. and i never got a chance to post anything, and of course no. no pictures (sorry melody) i might have one..wait...hold on





okay..thats me eating cake;)

anyhow. this was not at camp. but it was the day before!
so seriously. I went to an all girls Jr. high camp up in Ojai. and let me tell you. it was pretty awesome.

My plan was really to go up there, play some music, come back to sb, and go back. but I decided to stay and enjoy the surroundings of Gods beauty. It was a little strange...being with 40 11-14 year olds. I kept thinking "was i really this hyper?" (those who have known me long enough are probably laughing out loud, with tears streaming down your face knowing the reality of my crazed young years)

I was honestly intimidated. They were in Jr. High but still so cool, and i was supposed to be their elder they looked up to. Strange.

I lead worship and we got right into the lessons. it was beautiful. Here we all were, young and old, listening and being convicted by the same message. Pray, eat, grow in and with Christ.

I went back to my room and took a nap, journaled, and prayed, completely humbled by this small weekend experience. It was the last morning we would all eat, and sing together. After the worship, we prayed and then the unexpected. "can you sign this cd for me please?"

"Really" I thought. "me" I am so uncool...but okay! I felt bad, as each girl would come up and I'd totally screw up their name. I'd make it up with an even longer message on the cd. WE took pictures..it was all truly bizarre...and all i could think was ...God what do you have in store next?

Its all quite silly, but i'm excited.

mac user + mac user = Love

its true.
i'm serious.
i'm crazy, and i believe that all peeps who want to chill,
must be a mac user.

Now don't get me wrong. i love all you PC peeps,
but when it comes to true quality time with miss Goe,
you must be a mac user.

How is this relevant to life at all?
As sung in Willy Wonka.."the candy man can"
it just makes life more beautiful, colorful, entertaining.

i just needed to get that off my chest. . .
there i've said it.

Im a discriminator towards PC's.
Hate me.
or don't :)

Jury Duty

Oh i really should be posting more pictures i know, but in all seriousness...are not words enough! okay..well in time, anywho.

The other day i had to attend Jury Duty, and i thought a few things
1) why am i here!
2) this would make a great music video (although already done..but why not another)
3) i am freaking out! and i'm not even the one being convicted!

they went through a series of questions, of which i answered, fiddling with my paper and staring at the projector of questions, and it occurred to me. this is my civil duty. i should just let freedom ring and voice my opinion...or not my opinion, but my duty as a citizen of the USA....and then i stepped down from my pedestal, remembering the intensity of my financial disposition...

so i kindly told the judge i would not be able to judge this person fairly. As i walked out of the court room, i realized what i had done. i had let down my civil duty..or had I. its all really quite confusing. They say if financial hardship is an issue, your off the case, and so was mine, but then to continue with the questions and blah blah blah, and then finally ask my frame of mind! ouch! that was i think more difficult.

well, its done, and i"ll have to wait for another summons, where by i may not get out..and oh well. I suppose it is for the better.

The Heavenly

I found it! thank God! Something I wrote a while ago after a failed attempt of a relationship.



Love: The Heavenly

the black woman inside of her
groaned with unsatisfying pleasure:

I need a man!!
Oh I need a man..
I need a man,
whos gonna sit down and talk about his day as I nod and agree (or quietly disagree)

I need a man who you can know his strength,
just by the timbre in his voice,

I need a man that with each step can make a blind man see
I need a man who's gonna enhance the quality of character that the good Lord has blessed me with

I need a man who can pick up my smile and not just my tab.

I need a man, whos going to commit.
to commit not first to me,
but to the Almighty

I need a man who recognizes
if our relationship is going to
*grow,
*flourish,
*communicate constructively,
he must first put his priorities on the kingdom of God
rather than his pocket money.

I need a man whos gonna make me feel like a woman,
and not a stereotype.

I need a man whos gonna sit himself high above reproach, but not so high his brain turns into macarone on a hot summers day ; lettin his pride get the best of him.

I need a man whos gonna sing me a lullabye when the nights dont seem bearable or worth pushing through

and I need a man,
a man whos gonna stand up for what he believes,
and whos gonna better the relationship of others through honesty...
and not honest manipulation.

cuz I dont need no little boy round my yard.
I dont need someone to pick up magnolias and bring in festerin weeds.
I dont need an addiction
or repetitive motion
of a routine kiss.

I need a man whose gonna make me want to pick out my afro, put on my high heel shoes, put on my fancy coat, and go to the disco without a drop a wine.

I need a man not lookin for external perfection, but in perfect time.

and Momma told me: you need a man honey,
God knows sweet child, you need a man.
And for now, you concentrate on that relationship with the Almighty. cuz God said:

Man, you need a woman,
because you can not do this alone
Man, you need a challenge
cuz life without it could get you into trouble
Man, you need a woman
to soften edges of a hard edged wound
Man, you need a woman
to show you strength in a tender way
Man, you need a woman
to understand a relationship with me
Man, you cant have no woman
till you have a relationship with me.
Man, you risk your relationship with me
when you risk it on the world.
So , man, put your faith in me
and Ill give you what you need.

and so said the black woman inside of her....and I agreed.

-The Heavenly

Here comes the...

Its late
I just got back from my roommates wedding
and let me say, it was nice to go to a wedding where I'm not thinking the common question of "when's it my turn?" I suppose I've never thought the common question, but perhaps I have because its so common.

When I graduated from Wheaton, i was looked down upon at times because i didn't want the common dream of a picked white fence, a marriage, a dog, a van, and so on. And although i now Do have everything except for the marriage, I'm still very content without a man.

Which brings me to my next realization. I think i've totally screwed myself over with men. WHAT THE HECK IS MY DEAL! Over and over and over again, i find myself locked into a dance that is not what i want and especially not what i need. I suppose i'm not all that comfortable delving on the situation currently, but if you ask I will tell you.

I believe it has sadly come to the point where I've grown numb to relationship, and that is not safe. i want something more, something deeper. not good looks and a good night. I wrote a poem a while ago..i don't know where it is..i suppose i'll find it and edit it in..hopefully when i find it. but all to say, i better go to bed because i'm blabbering.

good night ..to be continued

I think i'm gettin' it

I had dinner tonight with some old friends and as one of my friends was talking, my mind trailed off a bit and my thought said, "I think i'm gettin' it" the phrase has continued to resonate in my mind, but..i don't quite understand what it is i've "gotten".

I suppose i've had a few epiphany's tonight. One that friends are much more valuable and important than rushing home to go on a jog, Two that food and fellowship have completely gone out the window for a replacement of easy mac (sincerely unfortunate), and lastly, if I need something or want something. to ask for it.

So I suppose the revelation today is to stick to the basics. Revamp the joyous things of life, and concentrate on necessities for not only the body but more importantly the soul.

I could continue writing, but I think I just birthed a song. Its time to be reintroduced to a more motivated life.

ONWARD!

inspired by

i’m looking back curious as to how my mind has altered into an abyss of ...an abyss of .....umm....well.. blah. There are times I have felt challenged by my surroundings to the point where beautiful tragedies have released art so powerful and persuasive, no hallucinative drug could provide an inkling of clarity that these pains have allowed me to see...but do i inflict more tragedy, more drama into my life? oh no..no, i’d rather not fuss with such trivial things as she said he said we said, did, could no. I won’t do it!

I won’t be made to feel crazy or a lunatic, drastic, or confused, but I will say i will always be a diva, a character true to my nature. that won’t change, and i’m not going to deny it. i’m lisagoe.com. and without boast, i can’t deny or be over dramatic about the drama of lisa goe.

I complain, i whine, i cry..even when there are things more important to be upset about. for example. a recent unfulfilled relationship. he left with yet another girl in his hand..i thought i was holding his hand, but alas it was just a knock off. and yet i cry more and can’t get sleep over a haircut that really isn’t all too bad..just needs some more edge. when did i get so shallow. ..but then again is it shallow? or is it a chapter of some tragedy that has been over studied to the point of boredom and without investment. without manifestation. just blah.

not to say i’m blah..no no no. but i wont’ lie. at times i feel uninteresting or uninterested. silent. unaware, unawake unnecessary.
all this as an introduction to my new song...Big. which is really just a realization of how small we really are..but still SO important;)

Its funny how
you can think the world
is out to get you

Its funny how
your family is sweet
but the ones to make you angry the most

Its funny how
we think we are the best
but the better just went and beat us up

its funny how you
think and breathe
the world
but your really much deeper

chorus
How does one
think they know
how the universe is turning
How does one
think they own
whatever's tangible and feeling
so .oh oh oh. BIG.
when we’re really quite small

Its funny how
you can look into a mirror
and walk the other direction
when

its funny how
the mirror you just walked in
was someone else’s reflection

Its funny how
you can be told a lie
and receive it truly

its funny how
you think you are the judge
when the judge is watching

Chorus

(not unimportant ,just a little small,
like mary’s tiled pupil inside a wall
oh oh oh. importantly small but we can’t rush to why
oh oh oh , oh oh. we’re really quite small.

tears of hair.

what lisagoe.com kind of had, she just needed some trimage


never get your haircut if your not ready for a HUGE change.
I LOVED the girl who cut my hair. she was AWESOME! super fun, energetic, but i asked for a choppy a-line ,andi asked for it thinnned. I look like a porcelain asian doll who's about ready to kill someone. Its just a very conservative haircut..and i'm not all that conservative.

I know there are more important things to complain about. but i'm not going to lie and say I didn't cry. I did. like a 5 year old child and stomped and pissed around..okay not all that, but i did feel like a foolish 5 year old. but hair..its kind of a big deal. so you'll be seeing me with my hair tossled up for quite some time..unless i decide to look like a school girl..or i decide not to look like lisagoe.com.


and what it looks like now..not lisagoe.com

I had a leash...and bells on my shoes..it worked for me!

So you may or may not be familiar with this video but lets just say, its becoming a normal "perk" to let our kids run free. and so my story for the day.

I'm leaving work ( i presently work in a small shopping center), and i'm going the normal speed limit. In front of me is a parked car and another car coming towards me. I look over the crosswalk, no one's crossing and the parked car is not going anywhere fast, so like anyone, i pause and continue on my way.

I hear a loud 'HONK!" I look behind me, no one there, and i look forward and the lady in the car in front of me has her hand over her mouth.

I look in the rear view mirror to see whats up. did someone fall? NOOOOOOO SOME LADY WASN'T WATCHING HER KID AND THE KID WAS PLAYING IN FRONT OF THE PARKED CAR, INCHES FROM STANDING IN FRONT OF MY CAR! the family all looked at my "buster" and scowled.

Did i feel bad, yes....For the parents who don't know better then to keep their kid close and not in the street! So please. PUHLEASE! Don't be naive, your kids still need your protection.

I am a treasure

I was recently chosen to be a part of a compilation cd with various amazing artists including pigeon john! if you'd like to check out more information about what I am a treasure is, click the link below.

routine

I'm attempting to make this blog thing a routine. So by doing so i went on a run. something i haven't done in a while. thank the good Lord i did. then i went to practice, and now i'm here thinking of something witty so that i can be more routine with the creative blog.

interesting story of the day: i looked like crap today. the end.

OH! and by the way. how the poo do i save people and locate them so i'm not having to find them in 500 ways. i've heard of something called rss? what is that? wah! the yays and woes of becoming a blogger

Lets do this

After having 3 myspace pages (1,2,3), a website, and a facebook,(i don't know that url)I felt it was time to start a blog. I think I have now fully covered all bases. I'm still getting used to the lingo for these blogs, but I think it will be an interesting adventure. I decided to start "blogging" as you natives call it when i realized everything in my head needed to be spliced out for all to see.

I noticed every day has its theme and/or story, and being on this "starving artist" adventure I'm prepared to embarass myself, and possibly others...but all out of love for our pure entertainment. This is an experiment for myself and others to enjoy the adventures of www.lisagoe.com.