smoke

i have this crazy urge to want to listen to Ben Fold's five mix tape demo.
I can't find it.
Its probably at my parents house in the closet underneath massive picture frames, picture boxes, paint, and other random things you leave at your parents house when you don't live with them any more.

Currently i'm learning the new songs for Senior Year. I recently purchased "single ladies" beyonce. oh oh oh oh...if you like it then you shoulda puta ring on it. ...
not exactly the song i'm craving right now.

I think i'm craving some type of cult nostalgia. I remember getting that cd. I remember TRYING to get many cds. My mother, God bless her. Let me purchase my very first cd at wherehouse. Ah, wherehouse. the place where you went with your parents, friends, and loved ones to pick out a movie or the new techno cd (in the late 90's) and by chance you would glance over and catch some cute boy or girls eye, and notice their venue bracelet from the night before, and try to glance at what music/movie selection they were looking at.

Now i was to shy to act on anything. I remember one time i was asked "are you finding everything ok" I freaked out, smiled and stared down at a sublime cover. He asked " so where you from, how old are you" blah blah blah...i was flippin 14 man!!!! back off!!! i wasn't so privy to the game yet.

I was however privy to music. I remember when jagged little pill came out, portishead, no doubt,radiohead, oasis, ah geez i totally remember when aqua aquarium came out. One of my best friends went early before class to buy the new album a la "i'm a barbie girl" we LOVED that song! But i didn't go with her to get the cd, and i didn't purchase many of my fave songs on the radio till much later in my years. college actually, and based on this one incident, and i'll never forget it.

I went to where house. I bought Jagged Little Pill: Alanis Morissette. I took it home. I listened to it. My mom knowing the angel i was didn't think it would be much harm popping the cd in the family room while she did the dishes one saturday afternoon. Next thing i know i'm having a sit down with my mom, her looking at me trying to understand why i would want to listen to this music. Now i know some of you are thinking " well she was right! but c'mon! it was my first cd!!! and i liked how she wrote! all writers need to start somewhere, and be inspired by something or someone right?!

My mom proceeded to tell me to get dressed, we were going back to Wherehouse to return the cd. Yes....thats right. RETURN the cd. For FULL price people. not like a buy back. this was BEFORE buy back at record shops and what not. So, my mom and I drove back to Where house and returned the cd. and i got all my money back.

Now tape decks were super common. and cd's... well you played those by putting a cassette in the tape deck but the cassette had...i guess they are still around so i suppose they still "have" them) a wire that came out the end that hooks to a cd player..and then the cd player has an adapter that sticks in your car lighter...and hence the creation of the ipod;). well as soon as i got the jagged little pill cd i didn't want to hassle with all that so unbenounced to my mother i made a copy onto cassette;)

As sneaky as i was on that one attempt i never bought a cd i really liked until much later, and then of course itunes and all the other "I's" of the iapple family came out. I bought cds my parents would approve, but i remember this one song: Brick. I'd heard it at some coffee shop and loved it. Some kid was playing a demo and i asked who it was
" umm...lemme go check " the kid said
as he went to the back i looked back at my friends. they just smiled. i've always been somewhat impulsive
"ben folds five. yeah its pretty good"

I jotted it down and kind of forgot about it, knowing that even if i had found it i probably would have to return it. A few months later, i heard it on the radio. It didn't play often but on weekends when i got together with my friends i would call into the radio station and request it as much as possible. (yes y'all...back in the day..you called in and you requested. video wasn't the only culprit who killed the radio star. Steve Jobs also had a part in it.. but i love that apple loving guy!! and i'm not being fescicious...really i'm totally not. i'm apple mac for life!

Finally, one saturday afternoon, my friend Nicole and I went downtown. I went past the street i was allowed to but i knew it wasn't as dangerous as they thought. Plus there were better stores, and this great record shop everyone went to. EVERYONE! plus sometimes we'd run into the cute boys we had crushes on. haha!

Anyhow we're flipping through this and that, and there it was. Ben Folds Five Demo.

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no joke i just gave myself some breathing space to really reminisce on that moment.. $4.99 was printed on a neon red/orange sticker on the front. I still haven't taken it off. Here it was in my hands but i didn't know what to do. i wanted to buy it but i couldn't my mom would take me back to the store and embarrass the living daylights out of me again!

"i'll buy it!" nicole smiled at me
"its like..merry early christmas, late happy birthday!"
Nicole and I still NEVER are around for eachothers birthday...but it was PERFECT!!!!!

I took it home, lit my candles, sat at my desk, and put it in my walkman. that way no one could hear it but me. I wrote for hours. about what? i dunno, but i loved it. Especially this one song smoke. I played it over and over and over again, and knew just went the bad words were coming so i could turn it down just at the right moment, then turn it all the way back up if i was listening to it out in the open in my room.

and now i want that. i want those candles, i want that cd, i want the scent of wax filling my room and my mind being carried away by dreams, hopes, wishes, and at the time all of it could come true. all of it was just an arms stretch away. and now.....i don't know where i lost it....