Familiar face

you were perfect
in every way
i remember the first day i met you
white shirt and skater boy dickie pants
and through the laughing i remember a fountain
a fountain that carried my wishes

I remember me as well
brown stringy hair and a magenta sweater

She was gorgeous
in every way
her skin was flawless and her eyes ......
they were like pools you could dive in, and mine were brown like dirt

I remember your car
and the way you'd stand in the hallways
and how i would muster up as much courage as i could to speak to you
and i couldn't...so i'd stand by

YOu were handsome.
you wore an "irish hat"
you were on your way to see Miss Gorgeous
I was wearing an apron caked with batter and grease...like my face
but you still smiled and gave me a hug

I remember your face
I remember how crushed it was
I remember not knowing what to do but watch you
and grateful you had friends who loved you

i took my stringy hair
and dirty eyes and cleaned them up

I may have cleaned them too well

I wonder what it would be like had I waited to share my golden moments with you
and not with anyone else
and i wonder if i ever will.
i hope
but not tormented.

I think of you often,

sincerely,

your familiar face.

smoke

i have this crazy urge to want to listen to Ben Fold's five mix tape demo.
I can't find it.
Its probably at my parents house in the closet underneath massive picture frames, picture boxes, paint, and other random things you leave at your parents house when you don't live with them any more.

Currently i'm learning the new songs for Senior Year. I recently purchased "single ladies" beyonce. oh oh oh oh...if you like it then you shoulda puta ring on it. ...
not exactly the song i'm craving right now.

I think i'm craving some type of cult nostalgia. I remember getting that cd. I remember TRYING to get many cds. My mother, God bless her. Let me purchase my very first cd at wherehouse. Ah, wherehouse. the place where you went with your parents, friends, and loved ones to pick out a movie or the new techno cd (in the late 90's) and by chance you would glance over and catch some cute boy or girls eye, and notice their venue bracelet from the night before, and try to glance at what music/movie selection they were looking at.

Now i was to shy to act on anything. I remember one time i was asked "are you finding everything ok" I freaked out, smiled and stared down at a sublime cover. He asked " so where you from, how old are you" blah blah blah...i was flippin 14 man!!!! back off!!! i wasn't so privy to the game yet.

I was however privy to music. I remember when jagged little pill came out, portishead, no doubt,radiohead, oasis, ah geez i totally remember when aqua aquarium came out. One of my best friends went early before class to buy the new album a la "i'm a barbie girl" we LOVED that song! But i didn't go with her to get the cd, and i didn't purchase many of my fave songs on the radio till much later in my years. college actually, and based on this one incident, and i'll never forget it.

I went to where house. I bought Jagged Little Pill: Alanis Morissette. I took it home. I listened to it. My mom knowing the angel i was didn't think it would be much harm popping the cd in the family room while she did the dishes one saturday afternoon. Next thing i know i'm having a sit down with my mom, her looking at me trying to understand why i would want to listen to this music. Now i know some of you are thinking " well she was right! but c'mon! it was my first cd!!! and i liked how she wrote! all writers need to start somewhere, and be inspired by something or someone right?!

My mom proceeded to tell me to get dressed, we were going back to Wherehouse to return the cd. Yes....thats right. RETURN the cd. For FULL price people. not like a buy back. this was BEFORE buy back at record shops and what not. So, my mom and I drove back to Where house and returned the cd. and i got all my money back.

Now tape decks were super common. and cd's... well you played those by putting a cassette in the tape deck but the cassette had...i guess they are still around so i suppose they still "have" them) a wire that came out the end that hooks to a cd player..and then the cd player has an adapter that sticks in your car lighter...and hence the creation of the ipod;). well as soon as i got the jagged little pill cd i didn't want to hassle with all that so unbenounced to my mother i made a copy onto cassette;)

As sneaky as i was on that one attempt i never bought a cd i really liked until much later, and then of course itunes and all the other "I's" of the iapple family came out. I bought cds my parents would approve, but i remember this one song: Brick. I'd heard it at some coffee shop and loved it. Some kid was playing a demo and i asked who it was
" umm...lemme go check " the kid said
as he went to the back i looked back at my friends. they just smiled. i've always been somewhat impulsive
"ben folds five. yeah its pretty good"

I jotted it down and kind of forgot about it, knowing that even if i had found it i probably would have to return it. A few months later, i heard it on the radio. It didn't play often but on weekends when i got together with my friends i would call into the radio station and request it as much as possible. (yes y'all...back in the day..you called in and you requested. video wasn't the only culprit who killed the radio star. Steve Jobs also had a part in it.. but i love that apple loving guy!! and i'm not being fescicious...really i'm totally not. i'm apple mac for life!

Finally, one saturday afternoon, my friend Nicole and I went downtown. I went past the street i was allowed to but i knew it wasn't as dangerous as they thought. Plus there were better stores, and this great record shop everyone went to. EVERYONE! plus sometimes we'd run into the cute boys we had crushes on. haha!

Anyhow we're flipping through this and that, and there it was. Ben Folds Five Demo.

____-------_______-------________--------_________--------________--------_______----


no joke i just gave myself some breathing space to really reminisce on that moment.. $4.99 was printed on a neon red/orange sticker on the front. I still haven't taken it off. Here it was in my hands but i didn't know what to do. i wanted to buy it but i couldn't my mom would take me back to the store and embarrass the living daylights out of me again!

"i'll buy it!" nicole smiled at me
"its like..merry early christmas, late happy birthday!"
Nicole and I still NEVER are around for eachothers birthday...but it was PERFECT!!!!!

I took it home, lit my candles, sat at my desk, and put it in my walkman. that way no one could hear it but me. I wrote for hours. about what? i dunno, but i loved it. Especially this one song smoke. I played it over and over and over again, and knew just went the bad words were coming so i could turn it down just at the right moment, then turn it all the way back up if i was listening to it out in the open in my room.

and now i want that. i want those candles, i want that cd, i want the scent of wax filling my room and my mind being carried away by dreams, hopes, wishes, and at the time all of it could come true. all of it was just an arms stretch away. and now.....i don't know where i lost it....

DEEE lete

I have a day off..well kind of. i have to go into work late today so i should be looking for another job and posting stuff for our senior year event and learning new songs..but i haven't oops. ..and i need to!

Anyhow i decided to empty my email box. 180 emails in my box doesn't seem necessary.
To the right i looked at all my folders filled with archived letters, coupons, and receipts and i saw a name. a name i haven't spoken to or thought of in a long time.
This folder was filled with pictures, posters, letters, laughs, and tears, but i've been sitting on it for a long time hoping that it would inspire a song or maybe i'd use the material for a book, but its been about 2.5 years now and those archives have all just continued to rot.

I think the most I've done with them is read them and bow my head in pure embarassement that i would even have kept these letters this long, not to mention this person. Yes at times i wish this person could still be in my lfe and we could utilize eachother resources of knowledge, but sometimes "these are time that can't be whethered, and we have never been back there since" -rilo kiley

So today i "selected all" clicked "delete" and removed the label.

And today is the first time i've been inspired to even write about them. the end.

RIP : ________ all done

day of vegging

So i took the day to roll around in bed as usual. ok, well it wasn't like i REALLY wanted to roll around for 3 hours in bed but i really didn't want to call the Saturn Service to have them say, yay! you owe us $100!! yay! i can't wait to have no money again! woohoo!!




So after running around with my friend craig i went over to my friend Derek's to do some laundry. He and his roommate are out on tour so we get to watch their dog, Bowie, and enjoy some free laundry:) And of course a little cable...we don't have that yet..:)

I sat down turned on all the remotes and sat..for hours..and realized tv has gone to crap! so i dyed my roommates hair instead:)

Another day and another dollar

As I sit here awake in bed at an "early" 2 am, i look inside my closet that is slightly in front of me and stare at my purchase of the day. A short black cap sleeved dress with polka dot rosettes in the front. I splurged. I splurged a whole $26 and some odd cents. Splurge you might think? well yes. Its been a few months off tour and with moving to a completely different state and being rehired at my previous job for a few months, i also had to get the horribly bad news that I would have to take a major major ..and i mean major paycut.

The funny thing is its alright. The cost of living in Nashville is much much less than Los Angeles, but thats all i'm really doing...living. Staying at home, watching a few movies, eating a few potato chips hoping a song will inspire me to move and write it down, but instead staring balnkly at our fluorescent green wall because i really have nothing else to do and nowhere i can afford to go.

I had a friend come over last night. We had met at a show a few weeks back. My roommate and i went because..well it was free. It turned out to be a really really great show at this place, the basement. My new friend Ryan was teasing me a bit as I was playing the small harmonica around my neck. We got to talking, exchanged numbers, and have been trying to get together ever since. Last night was our first hang out that was more than 10 minutes.

It was great! We stayed at my house and a slew of other people were staying over so it just felt very full and warm and great conversations were definitely thrown around each room in our humble abode. Ryan at one time looked at me and said, "you don't like to leave your house do you?" I thought about it.....its not that i dont like to get out of the house, i just really don't know what else to do. Its cold, everything costs money, and when i have the people i love in my house, why would i want to go.

But Ryan did have a point. I should be out meeting people and hanging out not settling in and sitting on my butt. Well, i guess there's two sides. One side, i should be getting out and meeting people, the other side i should definitely be staying in and playing music, but! problem with that is, my creative times are really early in the morning. for example right now. I usually never write unless i'm in some place foreign or its really late/ early in the morning.

Whatever the case my life seems to be whirlwinding around money. I either have enough but i toss it here and there or i don't have enough so i'm forced to live paycheck by paycheck and not really getting done what intended to do.

The focus for me now is finding a job. and of course the industry i'm in..there's just no jobs available. I"m praying. somethings gotta give. as much as i enjoy selling scarves and tailoring pants...this is not my life. it can't be.

Donnie Darko..and other things

After many years of not watching the so called "infamous" Donnie Darko, i finally took the time to watch it, and i was, as i thought I would be, scared out of my mind. Don't get me wrong the soundtrack, the camera work, and the editing were all very appealing and I took it for just that. A great piece of Art, but i'm not going to say i wasn't a little spooked.

I never watched the movie in the first place due to some misplaced emotions i was trying to anchor down with myself, and watching it at the time would only remind me of the one something i was trying to escape. I felt in the last 3 years that movie just kept popping up as the best of the best and I was crazy for not watching such art. I'd always thought about renting it and evaluating it myself, but I never did. So, as i watched it tonight, i couldn't help but shutter a little bit. That dang bunny is so pickin freaky!!!

I guess you can say i've been going through a lot of transitions and watching this movie was a total eye opener for me. I've been living my life outside my normal lines, and have not felt "convicted", as one would say about liberal acts such as drinking and smoking (cigarettes of course nothing else) and not to say these things are all horrible or worth being convicted from, but it is what one does in the act of such liberal acts that could disturb some..and have lately been disturbing myself.

I have been crying out for God to help me figure all this out ( if this message seems confusing. don't be alarmed. i am SERIOUSLY all over the place) I lately have felt that rather than my hands being empty with full sacrifice on the alter ready to receive blessing, i've been on my knees with my hands buried deep and heavy with garbage. Where i used to not fear something as crazy as demon bunnies, my heart is literally pounding at the thought i may turn around and see something..ugh. i don't even want to think about it.


I'm traveling on a journey right now and i need to do this on my own without other peoples opinions, suggestions, or any two sense that would come across as judgemental or "life coachie" I need to find out for myself why i believe what i believe and how, again, to live by it, with no regrets, knowing that bridges may burn, but its all worth the cost.


Its late. i need to go to bed.

yay. a day off

I'm currently in miami florida right now, and i must say my brain is killing me.
I had a shipment come in yesterday of new merchandise but counting it and organizing it was for some reason a task. I knew i was going to get it done, however my brain was stuck on something. i don't know what. but it was.

The day went by slowly and because of Katy's early set we did not have too many people come to the tent. we packed up early and i headed to the bus. As i walked past the gates with my vip pass, i paused and realized that this small piece of paper around my neck was what valued me at that moment. i could do whatever i wanted. but i didn't now what to do.

It seems lately i have no idea how to make my own decisions..granted of course i do, but for example i could have continued on the tour rather than come to miami, and for a loss of what to do i came to miami....and i think it was a good decision. its strange. i just feel like i'm constantly second guessing myself, when i have the freedom to go and be free and not be tied down to piece of paper cased with plastic that tells me where i can and can't go.

Perhaps i'm not making sense, but i'm just going off feelings right now. I just feel constrained and strange. I could say i miss home, but here's the truth...i don't. Im miss faces and i miss the familiar touch of guitar strings under my fingers, but i'm loving the fact i wake up and i'm in a different city working.

Disappointments to this job, there is no room for any type of relationship. i can barely call my mom. I'm not saying its not possible I'm just saying even the people i meet that i may have an interest in, there would just be no way. Its too complicated. It explains why so many musicians on the road are so flighty. Sure the ideal would be to be with one and only one person, but the temptation is much more difficult and those who succeed, i give them A+++..and thank God i DO know a few.

I'm so just jibber jabbering now, but why not. if you see this call me because i don't even have a working phone. i can receive calls i just can't dial out.

Enjoy a few more pictures. I hope this finds you well:)



All squished in an elevator on our way up to our VIP Stay at Planet HOllywood. what!



Awesome free steak dinner at Strip House! Brother came. yay!!



Me and Mr. Markus Molinari

www.markusisthedrug.com



We had to make an appearance at some club that supposedly some of the girls from the hills were going to be at..but we didn't see them, and instead danced on the couches and hung out with a bachelorette party...meh


Making the 0 of 303 Nat, Matt Beckley, and Sean Foreman. Hardcore.


Tessa, Austin, and I in our bright pink tent. we are hard workers;)


Perfect. split self portraits. Bottle o Jameson and a cup o' noodles, What a delight. haha