Lisa Goe

A New Beginning?

2011-02-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

I ran down the stairs early to find a note on the dinner table,

“Morning Lisa! Grandpa and I went to Palm Springs. We’ll be back in 3 days. Call if you need anything. Please feed the fish and birds. June-hi is with Joshua”

My grandparents were such adventurers. This wasn’t the first time I woke up to see a note on the table. The last time it was Vegas. I hope I’m as spunky as they are when I’m their age.

I went to the kitchen, and the oatmeal canister and dried cranberries were already set out on the counter for me. The packets of to go miso soup and red apples were also laid out for me, ready to go for work. There were definitely perks to being a starving artist and my grandparents living in Santa Monica. Not only was the transition easy considering I grew up in their house, but they made it even easier with taking care of everything else. My laundry was folded for me every morning, they thought it was silly for me to drive to work since it was just down the street, and because I worked till 6 most days, I was picked up and dinner was ready as soon as I got home.

The one argument we would come across every now and then, was why I wasn’t working every day. “You act like you’re retired!” My grandma would say...but it did seem that way I guess. I worked in retail, but I specifically worked as a personal shopper/ stylist. I worked off commission and for working 25 hours a week, I made as much as some of my friends made in 40 hrs of work..sometimes more.

Other than that, I came home before 2 and if it was later I’d call and stay at a friends. Every time I met a new friend, I’d put their name, number, sometimes address on an index card they had set aside for emergencies. It was all easy. I never really had anyone over though. A few friends but not more than one.

This specific morning, I really could have used a ride. I slept in a little later, and for me to drive myself meant I needed to find parking...which for the locals who knew the free spots...this was near impossible.

I fed the fish and checked the birds, thank God June -hi the turtle wasn’t home that would’ve just been one extra step. I threw on some clothes and ran out the door. As I searched for a parking spot, I turned on NPR. “That was Rachael Yamagata. This is Morning Becomes Eclectic.” A miracle!!! A spot a few blocks away. This was going to be a great day!

I checked the sign to make double sure this spot was truly available. It was. I was early so, I stopped into the coffee shop near sur la table for a smoothie. The line was too long so I hummed a tune and walked into work. This day was feeling great!....oops spoke to soon.

Put on those cartoon screech noises...someone switched shifts with Roberto Lopez...the other personal shopper. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Roberto..he didn’t seem to like me. Since the first day I began working at our location, I beat his sales. He wasn’t too happy about this, so I believe, out of jealous immaturity, he gave me the cold shoulder.

I always tried to “surrender” but he didn’t care to notice. You know those people who like to talk about events in front of you..and they know you are not invited..yeah..he did that a few times. “Oh, I love taco night, remember last week you guys? wasn’t it great?! “ (silent peripheral stare of ‘yeah..and you weren’t invited’) I just don’t have time for people like this, but it never made for a pleasant working day.

It was busy, but I felt like i wasn’t helping a soul. It seemed every time I tried to help someone Roberto had already taken the initiative. I just give up at that point, and try to give a helping hand when I can.

This woman had several clothes on a table. I couldn’t tell if they were put backs or purchases. “Excuse me are these your items?”

“Oh yes! I’m so sorry! I just can’t figure out what to wear! Can you help me?!”

After a quick 30 minutes we found some great outfits, packed them in bags, and she was off. About 10 minutes later she came back,

“Lisa you were so great, and I don’t know if you want to be here in this store forever but I think you’d do great at Seven Denim. I don’t work for them but I have a friend who does, and I know she would love you. Here’s her card give her a call, send a resume, we’ll set up a meeting it’ll be great. Thanks again!”

She was off...I stood there looking at the card, looking at the door, looking at the card. Was this my way out?!

I left work elated. Jumped in my car and went straight to Hollywood.

Excuse me, I'm shy, or maybe I don't believe in myself...

2011-02-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

“Do you have any cashmere? Excuse me? Miss?”

I had zoned off into some outer space dream world, “la la land” When she said the word cashmere, I heard her, but the tangible item was not ringing a bell.

“ why yes m’am, right...” I stopped. I recognized this face. A sweet as apple pie face. Sissy Spacek, I had recently found her daughter Schuyler Fisk’s music, and I loved it. So of course out of everyone else in the store I would be helping her.

I showed her to the cashmere, and hesitated a moment. “We can also order anything we don’t have here for you and have it shipped to your home, or if you feel more comfortable I can see about arranging it to be sent to our store for you to pick up.....and I love your daughters music”

Yep...it came out. the La in me would soon come out in me. Soon we would talk about how i heard her music, ‘and oh by the way I’m a musician too’ but instead, I just did my job.

“What do you think about this color dear? oh! but this one is nice too! Oh I can’t decide. Maybe I should just be basic” Well, if you need a basic, a lot of people go for the black, but I prefer the heather gray or navy.” “Well, alright then! I’ll take both”

I took her to the register and began to ring up her purchases. I can feel the pull inside of me, “Lisa..just do it. She seems really nice, I’m sure she wouldn’t be offended..this is your chance!!”

“Well, thank you so much for your help today, what was your name again?” “Lisa..uh..” “Thanks again, Lisa. Bubye now!”

“uh..bubye!” Dangit! Oh well. Maybe she’d come in again who knows. I went back on to the floor, arranging some denim, again zoning off into space. I looked around at my other associates. These people weren’t my friends. They were my work associates. We all had separate lives, separate agendas, and what was I doing here. Why! Was I here.

Before I knew it, it was time to leave. My grandparents usually would pick me up, but my friend Samantha and I were going to grab dinner and catch a show at Hotel Cafe. I leaped into her car, and took a deep breathe

“you okay?”

“yeah, i’m fine. Just needed to take in the fresh air..or as fresh as la air can be. Gah! I just get so....so annoyed!! I go into that store day in and day out, help people get dressed, and then what, go to shows and watch people do what I want to do? I need to get myself together”

“well, glad your day was a good one!” Samantha was always good about chearing me up, and speaking logically. Although she was a few years younger than me, she was always wise.

“Well, i think our production company is going down the gutter,” “well aren’t we a duo!” I replied.

We spent the rest of the drive venting about what was happening on our day to day, and then amping eachother up as far as what we could do about it. We both worked in the industry, and we were both..bored.

We got to Hotel Cafe, and waited by the bar. Sometimes Marco was there. He was always so cute. I had heard he had dated an asian girl. I had also heard he was cautious with who he dated as many would try and use him, so I always just looked from afar to keep things interesting.

As people began to fill the room, My arm was pulled forward. My crocheted sleave was tangled in a very tall slender womans handbag. “Oh I’m so sorry!! Are we going to have to cut it?” “ no no no, I think i can untangle it, I probably shoulddn’t be wearing crocheted sweaters to crowded places!” I was so caught up with untangling my sleave I didn’t look up at her till it was almost untangled...Mandy Moore. I didn’t think she was so tall! She towered above me! I looked down..no wonder. Not only is she already tall, she was wearing a tall heel.

We broke free from our entanglement, she apologized again with a smile, and then I just stood there....what the heck dude..really. Missed opportunities! The music began to play, and low and behold...Schuyler fisk was playing. I looked to the front and there sitting on the floor in the front was Sissy.

After Schuyler’s set, I said hello to Sissy, and with sweet open arms she hugged me and thanked me for helping her out. “Schuyler sounded amazing. I really enjoy her music” I commented. “Oh REaly!! oh you are too sweet! It is always so sweet to my ears to hear great things about my daughter. Thank you!”

Sissy was so elated I didn’t feel proper to talk about myself. Tonight was about her daughter....but I tried slipping a business card in her purse. Another friend of mine who was there, gave Sissy's manager one of her demo’s. Brave. What was my problem! As I began to leave, Sissy stopped me and handed me one of Schuylers Ep’s. ‘”Thank you Sissy. I’ll be sure to enjoy it”

I left with a bittersweet feeling. i was excited to be so calm and accepted by two celebrities, but I was disappointed in myself. Why was I so shy? Am I ashamed of my passion? no...so what is it...

Hollywood and Cahuenga

2011-01-25T15:31:00.000-08:00

There are those rare finds of people, usually hanging around Hollywood, Silverlake, and Downtown. The ones that don’t need to compete. They just are who they are. Stealthily Brilliant. You’d never know they had won multiple grammys, and multiple other adorned awards. That is until you were invited to their homes, and even from the outside you’d think they lived humbly. Most of them did. These are the people I liked to hang with. Living on the westside of la had its advantages, but the rawness of the eastside is what drove me.

On any given evening you’d find me on Hollywood and Cahuenga, laughing loudly, singing softly, or drinking slowly. Behind mulitple bars, and a star encrusted street, is Hotel Cafe. Run by a very handsome man named Marco, anyone from Jon Mayer, to Joss Stone, to local starlets Ernie Halter, and then Katy Hudson (Perry) would play their hearts out. There has never been a need to check the roster at Hotel Cafe. It was always good music, a great vibe, and great people.

Before the renovation, there used to be a somewhat hidden room, called the Piano Room.
Inside was a beautiful black piano, a cigarette machine and high up near a small window a fan to circulate the air. As far as I knew, other than the cigar shops, this was one of the only indoor rooms away from the privacy of your home that you could enjoy a cigarette in CA. I loved coming to this room for late night jam sessions. Sal, a big red bearded man would brilliantly play the keys. I remember one instance an older black man, sloppy from drinking, tried to take over. Sals booming voice sent him to his place. And as we all watched, as soon as Sal hit the keys again, harmonies enveloped the room, and things were as they were before.

As the night continued, I decided to go into the main venue and listen to some music. Tony lucca was playing. It was my first time hearing him play. I had met him through my friend Ernie Halter, and knew his name sounded familiar, but didn’t really know why. Turns out...he used to be apart of the Mickey Mouse Club cast with Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera. Tony is a gem. I loved that about these people. So humble. So talented.

Tony was playing his second to last song, and a buzz started to meander around the room. I had no idea why, so i ignored it. “ For this next song I’m going to ask Joss Stone to the stage” All heads turned and here comes Joss. This town was smaller than I thought!! The whole room was jumping up and down, stomping their feet, just enraptured by the music and this rare surprise. We asked Tony later about it, turns out he didn’t even really know her. He just saw her and thought...why not. I’ll see if she wants to come up. Music is so cool like that!

“ That was fun tonight. Are you heading back to the west side” Ernie Halter had encouraged me to make the big move to La from Santa Barbara after opening for me and this other amazing musician Tyrone Wells. Ernie is one of those people you meet andi nstantly just adore. Not only was he easy to befriend, he was a true friend. Someone you can count on, unlike the cliche, “oh nice to meet you, here’s my card, lets be friends cuz you seem like you’ll be famous”

“yeah, I think I am. I have to drive to Santa Barbara tomorrow, and start looking for another job. I’ll probably leave after this next set”

“Well, a group of us are hangin at my place on the roof, if you wanna jam a little bit?”

How could i refuse. Not only was Ernie the most generous, kind hearted friend I had made, he had some of the most amazing musician friends. His apartment was just around the corner. The rooftop was the most amazing view of los angeles other than the Griffith Memorial. The Hollywood sign was so close you could touch it, and on a clear night you could see the ocean. It was so inspiring.

After a few drinks, and a few rounds of passing the guitar, we all went back down to the street to enjoy some Greco’s pizza. Always a great late night snack.

“ One cheese and pepperoni! one whole pizza! mushroom and spinach!!”

“So Lisa. What do you want to do while you’re here in la” Ernie always tested me

“i don’t know. Play shows, meet people, Do what you guys do! I would love to play Hotel Cafe”

“Ok...well, lets make that happen”

and with my folded new york style pizza, I smiled. Even if my day to day was boring, I always had the night”

On the Promenade

2011-01-21T11:05:00.000-08:00

I sat on the bench on 4th in the promenade, right outside Sephora. I was eating an apple, a piece of bread, string cheese, and had miso soup in my “to go” bowl. Every day on my break, I went outside and looked for a bench to sit and observe. If it was cold out, I’d go into the borders and find a place next to the windows upstairs, and read Anne lamott's Bird by Bird. I hated being in the back in the break room. So stuffy and awkward. Having to make friends with people i knew gave 2 stones about me. But I would try anyway.

During my breaks, I would try and think of what I was doing with my life, at least for the present. I wasn’t happy where I was. I enjoyed the nightlife, the people, the creative wind all around me, but I wasn’t settled yet. I wasn’t who I was used to being; a big fish in a small pond. I was the minnow now, avoiding the Sharks.

As I was finishing my lunch, I looked up and recognized a familiar grin, followed by two police officers. I stood up and stared a bit. The 68 year old women I had been speaking to about an hour ago in the lobby of the our store, was now being escorted out into the Sunny, scummy LA air. Her black shift dress and pearls, looked cheap as her wrists were now decorated with hand cuffs.

I threw away my brown bag, and held on to my soup bowl. “Excuse me officer, what happened? I was just helping this woman in my store” . He continued walking and looked down on me “shoplifting” I stopped following him, and with a wrinkled brow stood as they walked around the corner.

“Shoplifting?! Really Lisa? Well it was good that you spoke with her so long. You probably prevented any of our items from being taken” My store manager seemed to like me alright. All the managers did. It was nice to know that some one had my back, unlike some of the other associates. Sales. OI! Its as competitive as being creative. You always have to watch your back. I suppose it has given me tough skin.

I clocked back in, and with a deep breath went and braved the store. All these hollywood starlets, and wannabes. The movies really portray most La residents to a tee! And most of them can barely afford what they have. They are constantly competing with themselves.

“Excuse me..girl...EXCUSE ME! “ “Yes m’am” “ Yes I would love that skirt on the mannequin in the window. “Let me make sure its available, I believe someone is about to try it on. “ This petite over done up woman with hips as wide as her height, would try and squeeze into the size 2 skirt, probably rip it and either 1) ask for a discount or 2) complain about the quality, make a scene forcing us to do what any place with great customer service would do...give her an award for her tantrum.

“m’am, I do apologize but there is someone who is about to try it on. If you like I can make sure if she doesn’t want to purchase it to get it to you, or we can order one for you”

“I don’t have time to wait for it to be delivered. Is that who’s trying it on? Oh she won’t fit in it. are you kidding. You might as well just let me purchase it”

My face got beet red. I felt all eyes in our direction. Her high pitched voice magnified, as she cut down this poor woman. She should have been yelling at herself for her negligence to find something till the last minute for her event. All i wanted to do is ask her to leave and point out her awkwardly shaped body..but instead I just stared at her in disbelief. It wasn’t even worth my time.

I looked over at the patient client, and gave her an apologetic smile.

“ We have a few other skirts that could..”

“NO! no.. that is the one I want”

“Let me see what I can do”

I went behind the register and as I was speaking to Kim, one of my managers,

“I’m ready! She ran out. Probably best”

I looked at Kim, she replied “M’am were you able to try this on? It may be too big for your petite frame”

“Oh! you’re too kind. It should fit perfectly”

Two days later, I found the skirt on the desk in the office with a note “ Lisa, please return this. Lady was dissatisfied with the quality. Also, please send her a $25 rewards card”

My story: New Years Resolution

2011-01-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

I’ve always wondered what a television show or movie would be like, about me. Its not uncommon for me to get caught up in conversation, and then realise the only one conversing is myself. And it is often said afterwards, “Lisa, you are such an interesting person.” Whether or not I’m supposed to take this as a compliment, I do, and it wasn’t until this recent New Years, I made some pretty major decisions, all based off of one idea. Have Less, Do More.

How am I supposed to have less and do more? Well, for one I’ve stopped drinking...as much. I’ve also decided to have less friends, and less....intimate friends as well. And because of these less indulgent activities, I’ve been able to indulge myself in a lot more for me. At first I felt a bit selfish, when really...its the best selfish thing i could do for myself.

As a creative person, I tend to be unfocused. I start projects, and rarely finish them. I jump between music, both writing and singing, to creative writing, to managing, to fashion. I had a “bitch sesh” as we like to call them with my friend Joel. “Lisa, you need to focus. Write a list of writers you’d like to write with and do it!” I completely agree with Joel, but the distraction to write other than songs, is too fun..or maybe I’m just jumping onto another distraction again.

Here I go again... Jumping around topics, and ideas. All of this to say is...I’m going to tell a story. Parts of my story. A “live” book. I hope you come a long and I hope to keep you on your toes, as my toes once were on their tips.

Lets try this again...

2010-11-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time.
Here is my attempt at saying hello again...
I am HOPING! to release a live album before Christmas..Here's the album cover

again and again

2010-05-16T00:58:00.000-07:00

looks like i'm starting yet again.

Head first on the track into something great, now a carpet pulled from under me. I've been completely motivated lately with multiple projects, recording a few songs, getting together a press package, starting a new band...and then suddenly out of the blue, within not but a few hours..SMACK gone.

I've lived in Nashville a year now, and every time i seem to get back my inspiration, it all disintegrates into tiny little pieces. Am I supposed to write an album of continual sadness and angst! I would hope not. I"m hoping for an inspired spree of euphoria...

All I know for now..i'm pushing. Hoping that with each push a new stepping stone is overcome...

till tomorrow.

BONNAROO!

2010-05-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'M GOING! ARE YOU?!

oops! its been a bit!

2010-04-12T22:04:00.001-07:00

Within the last few weeks i've been learning..a lot.

as always

I've been working on a self made music video of Killing me, which i hope to finish soonish, and in the mean time...focusing.. or at least trying to.

I've ben writing a lot with other people..i think it s helping..you tell me:) i hope to share something more exciting soon. in the mean time...say hello:)

What happened to Dido

2010-03-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

I was watching some "I love the 80's" montage and there was Dido. She was giving commentary on something amazing of my birth decade. Since I watched this horribly entertaining show, I've been searching my car and electronic belongings to get nostalgic and dive into the pool of dido.

I don't know about anyone else out there, but Dido, went along with late night drives, pleather skirts (oi!), and background theme music when you were happy, depressed, or just relaxed. I'm thinking its about time I make a flippin 90's mix.

So Dido...i'm getting frustrated. where are you and can you help me as I write my next few songs. I'm thinking you could be the secret ingredient to curing my writers block.

Love, Lisa Goe. Can I get a witness!

FEATURED ON APPLE.COM!

2010-02-19T08:49:00.000-08:00

yep..I did a background vocal part for some friends of mine, the Pseudo Rebels. You may be familiar with their remix of Kid Kuddie's song "Day and Night". For the music video we all went to the apple store at a certain time, and silently set up our "gear" at 2:17 or other. we all pressed record and made this amazing music video! Mind you we did get kicked out..but now its actually featured on apple.com.. hahah! how awesome is that!

Enjoy!

Seasonal Depression intro that turns into Bad Guy Face

2010-02-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

I really really tried waking up early.
but as i rolled around in my bed i couldn't seem to do it. Back home in California my room is walled with windows, so 7:30 the sun rises and I am up with the birds! 8 am alarm went off..snooze..8:15 alarm...snooze. I couldn't do it!

As i finally rose from my slumber the sun just plummeted into an abyss of flat lands and i clumsily dressed myself to go to work. Driving to work same old story. what am i doing what am i doing. Rather than bore myself with monotonous thoughts, i carried on my day like a zombie.

I problly should have taken pictures but I did make a mean pasta...and really this blog is of no purpose other than to put me in the practice of writing ...and in all truth is keeping me from saying what i really want to say.. lets just say i have to confront a situation that is really dumb, and similar to my monotonous thoughts, i'd rather just carry on with the day and just blurt it out.

the problem is I'M TIRED OF BEING THE BAD GUY! why can't people just take major major hints and before it has to get too intense, assume that the intensity they're feeling is just that!! Do what i don't really want to blatantly say you need to do... confused yet?

You know what i mean though right?! Lets say someone needs to pay you back and your the type of person who doesn't want to bring it up, but you know you have to ( this is so not a financial thing..if you owe me something i'll let you know) you keep hinting " so see you bought like 100 bones of grocerys today...and you eat like a bird..i'm pretty starving these days" the person just looks at you like "yep" and continues playing stupid. So you try the note thing "Jon Smith owes me $150" ..but still nothing. So you know you have to put it out there..but you also know this person is defensive..and probably really doesn't care.

so you end up going bonkers! or maybe not.. i'm just at the point that i'm going to have to be the bad guy. I"m going to have to hear the excuses why someone can't do something because of "x" and "y" when i'm not seeing any progress and all i'm seeing is nonsense...gah!!!

pray for me..i'm headed for battle with a wall...all the while fighting against this lack of vitamin D..and motivation...missing tropical weather.

SNOW DAY!

2010-02-08T14:04:00.000-08:00

So it definito snowed a ton in Nashville..so why not! I made a video and put a song I wrote with good friend Brendan McCarthy. Enjoy it!

Jes Hudak on AOL! and meee tooo!!!!

2010-02-02T08:50:00.000-08:00

I had ...too much fun working on this for miss Jes. I'm near her derriere as well as the left bottom corner looking like a freak!! enjoy! and support Jes Hudak!!!

Done

2010-01-28T23:00:00.001-08:00

I laid there. Motionless. Waiting for 4pm to come. I waited for the moment I would begin to get ready. Foundation, eyeliner, chap stick. Keys, wallet, phone.

Before 4, I moved around slowly. I opened the door to my sound room and looked at the pile of work that had been neglected. I sat down. Piece by piece I went through it. Opened my email to erase past junk mail, but it was never ending.

I looked at my checklist. Pay AAA, Sign up with ASCAP, update Myspace. Monotonous. I looked at my door that is left up for my inspiration. Its filled with flyers of past shows and venues I'd played at. Pictures of friends now famous from when we were younger and going to the next football game was the only thing on our agenda. 2:30pm. I still felt like I had nothing done.

I felt like a dog trying to find its spot on the bed. Circling and circling then plopping down and settling. Then to realize the spot is still not right.

4pm. Foundation, eyeliner, chap stick. Keys, wallet, phone. I pulled out of the driveway. It began to flurry. Here I go. Back to my job. 4 hrs of work...for a $600 sale..for $15 pay. What am I doing.

I walked down the hallway and listened to each of my footsteps. Characterized by my heal I attempted to move slowly. And slowly in my thoughts I crept into work. Speaking to myself. I'm done. God just take me now. Nothing matters.

Success doesn't matter
Money doesn't matter
Who I am doesn't matter.
Purpose...what is purpose.
What is finding purpose and once found what do we do with it.

I'm done. Im so ready to meet God at the pearly gates of heaven. Thats all I want to do now. I don't want to talk to anyone or explain myself to anyone. I don't want to entertain anyone, or prove myself to anyone. I'm just done. GOD TAKE ME NOW! I scream inside.

I don't want to take my life. I just want to be done. I just want to say thank you. Thank you Heavenly Father, Please Please Please just wrap me in your arms. I surrender.

Cuz I'm done. so done.

God Help me.

So when does the fat lady sing

2010-01-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

I pulled up to what looked like an old loading dock. In front of the structure, was a railroad track that just happened to have a circus train parked on it. I called my friend to make sure I was in the right location. I felt like I was on CSI about to scalevant the premises for some ground breaking evidence!

He opened the door to the building and we walked down a long hallway. Along the walls were an old vintage couch and boxes and boxes of a young man's cds. I smelled the incense and was interested to see what type of practice space we were heading into.

As Brendan opened the door my eyes lit up. I had never seen a space so amazing other than back in downtown la at my friend Crazy James. Every wall was covered in a story. Everything just breathed history and authenticity. I felt as if i had warped myself back home to CA where things made sense and moving forward was easy.

We sat down on a red velvet sectional. I took out my notebook and pen and grabbed the brilliant blue and gold indian inspired pillow from behind my back and into my lap. As I situated myself into the couch, Brendan had asked how life had been the past few days and somehow we got to talking about home in Santa Barbara. "Do you ever feel like you are just living for the day hoping the next day will be better" I couldn't have agreed more.

We continued our writing session with fervor and Brendan began to get hungry. We took a quick break and went to a local fave Mexican restaurant. We decided to get our meals to go. As we got back in the car a few more lines for our song came forward. We were anxious to eat, but as we got out of the car into the brisk afternoon air, Brendan told me about the circus train.

Apparently while the circus is in town, the train stops on the track. The performers use the train cars similar to a tour bus. After a long night of jumping, leaping, singing, and awing the crowd, they retreat back to the train cars. 'Wow' i thought what an amazing life. A life that never truly stops! It keeps going and going and going.

We walked back inside, and the familiar smell of incense enveloped my entire being and I was excited to finish our song. As we sat down to eat we got to talking more about home and what we missed about it. The food, the air, the people. As Brendan unrolled his last fish taco a strange burned like fragment rolled out. He looked at me, I looked at it, then looked at him, and he looked back down on it.

Brendan picked up this, what now looked like a burned end of a green onion and smelled it. As he sniffed it his nose twitched a little. He looked at me than slowly motioned the object close to my nose. As I smelled it we both started laughing hysterically. It wasn't an onion...it was the end of marijuana joint.

It was a strange relief to our conversation of home. It was beginning to get depressing discussing what I would be doing had I been back on the coast of California. The joint brought on a new adventure past the mundane day of waking up, going to work, writing a song, going to bed, lying awake wondering what my life is for. but it was a small smile to the mountain top of repetition for the day.

As we wrapped up our session and headed to my house to record a crap track, I took one last look at the train. I miss the road. I miss the excitement. I miss the adventure. I miss knowing that at the end of the long road a home awaits me. or does it. I wonder still what day i will lead tomorrow, and what person i would be if I stuck to staying at home, and if there has been any good of me moving and continuing my "dream". But! The Show must always go on, and the fat lady always sings over ..and over ..and over...it never truly stops...and I never truly will know.

PAULY D!

2010-01-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my friend Andy, we had a great Birthday dinner and then fist pumped our way to McFaddens and blew the night away!! enjoy our escapade.

Its simple..be honest with yourself

2010-01-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

Ha!

I've been told again, that maybe..just maybe my standards on trust in people is too high. I was also told that anything someone does for me is never enough. Its always wrong, and I'm impossible to please. I never thought I'd hear the words I'd yell at my father about towards me.

You tell yourself in the mirror, "When I grow up I will never be like my parents" Too bad I'm just like everyone who finds them self with their finger pointed at their child. The shock of this gesture doesn't make you stop. Oh no! You keep going! And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm just like my father.

I Love my dad. He's charismatic, generous, inventive, but he has a temper that is intolerable and is stubborn as a crooked nail. I never wanted to hear that I was difficult to please. I never meant for tears to come down a grown mans face as he pleaded with me to trust him, but I couldn't. And I can't.

There's something we as humans hate to do, admit we're wrong! We're embarrassed and hide behind our subconscious. I learned a long time ago, that this type of behavior, helps no one. And although it may hurt to tell someone the truth, and of course being tactful about it, you can save a stream of tears. There are times when its best to keep your mouth shut, especially when its to be spiteful. My problem is when someone says they are going to do one thing, and then do the complete opposite.

Too often people lie to their significant others. "Honey, I'm going out. Be back at midnight!" What he forgot to tell you, is he went out to the bar to meet the bartender that's been juggling his pin balls if you know what I mean.

Then there's the case of "I did have to go to the bathroom, just by the time I got there I went straight past it and made out with the waitress" It just disgusts me.

What would happen if we were just honest with ourselves and said "you know what...i want something more adventurous. we need to separate" would someone be upset .. yes! but it would be honest, and the pain of that is a lot simpler than walking in and seeing the scene over and over again. Her leg lifted up on his hip, his hands wrapped behind her neck, pressed against a table..and you are but 2 feet away. Part of you wants it to be a mirage..and the other part wants to punch a wall.

So you see this horrid scene and then you continue to see it for the next some odd years so that when anyone comes your way all you wonder is, "how long until he gets bored" So you separate, and when he tries to do something sweet..you wonder why. What did he do now. Or when he gets a text message your heart skips a thousand beats, or when you decide to go to a dinner party you scan the room looking for his type, which is of course not you, and realize they're making eyes at one another, and you wonder...have they already been together behind my back.

This is obviously not new to me. I am a basket case when it comes to relationships. I'm great at initially trusting, but i can smell a rat before they even begin to die and rot. I am an open bag. you come to me, I will trust you way too much. If you answer dishonestly, i lose my trust and its a lifetime of gaining it back...

So anyone who is honest enough with themselves to handle the challenge, call me up. And those who think they can handle. Stop. Think. Be honest with yourself, and don't break my heart. I have enough journals of sob stories.

iTUNES!

2010-01-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

Check it!

Brendan McCarthy's album Yellow Roses released almost a year ago, but thought y'all should know, that I'm guest appearing on it! oooh!!

*Love, Love, Love
*40 days
*Slow Dance
*Butterflies

Enjoy!!

7:45 am

2010-01-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

It seems that 7:45am is when my body decides it wants to wake up. The problem is my brain ends up winning over the battle of in bed or out. Today was different. I woke up threw on my puffer vest and headed out the door. I suppose it did help that I was taking my friend to the airport, but somehow I kept thinking "what is this life for. Certainly not to sleep all day!"

I looked over at my coat rack. I have a bit of a coat/jacket problem. Where some people bring their pazillion shoes, I bring a gajillion jackets. I began thinking..I should get rid of half of my clothes...but I'm too lazy to rummage through them today. I suppose this is when my heart and brain met in the middle. All of Life is dust. My petty things mean nothing in the end. My heart ache for bad love affairs is nothing. My success is nothing. After a good wall stare, I proceeded out the door and into my car.

The night had left an icy layer of frost on the car. As I turned the engine on, I was stopped again by my thoughts. "What is this life for. Where should I head today" I began to think of the few places around Nashville I could venture to. After all it was early enough to get somewhere and be back by morning. I picked up my friend and dropped her off at the airport and within that time, forgot my previous thoughts. The thoughts crept back in when I began my journey back home.

My mind venture dissipated as the realization of work came to the forefront.
So what do I do now with my 7:45am wake up and go call. I attempt to write, while at the same time wonder.. What is this life for..

ERNIE HALTER AND LISA GOE WROTE A SONG!

2010-01-12T23:10:00.000-08:00

CHECK IT OUT! I'm proud of this:)

New Day

2010-01-07T21:09:00.000-08:00

Yay!

I'm flyin to California tomorrow, and I can't wait! Its just too bad I only have a few days to enjoy:(

not much to say. Just pictures to share.

FIRST SNOW!

See you gals soon!

Guide 101

2010-01-06T08:09:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning refreshed. Problem was I couldn't get out of bed. My arm reached over to grab my phone, and as i grabbed it i looked over at my side table filled with all types of crap that I probably should clean up. 7:45. A good time to wake up, but I rolled inside my cave and continued dreaming.

Do you ever have those dreams where you think they're real so you wake up totally disgusted, or sad, or absolutely ecstatic. I'm hoping my morning depression is due to my dream psyche rather than the fact that maybe just maybe I'm actually depressed.

In order to understand my possible reasoning for a sad morning, here is some context.

I had to burn a bridge a good 6 months ago with a girl who claimed to be a friend but instead pursued my boyfriend at the time and then had the nerve to try and call me and hang out when a few of my well known musician friends had a concert. The text messages went as follows:

"Hey girl! You going to the show tonight?"

me: "no"

"Well, my friend thought she grabbed a ticket but now they're sold out didn't know if you knew of any extra tickets"

me: "no"

"Alright well let me know if you're doing anything later on"

me:.........

"I'm not using you or anything. See you later!"

me: "yeah..you should tell your friend she needs to get that stuff taken care of earlier. I'll be with them later anyways"

I later twittered fake places i was ...still curious to know if she actually went there. This may seem mean and unnecessary but prior to this random conversation, my boyfriend at the time was receiving obviously flirtatious text messages from this same individual.

When I met...Jay, we'll call him. I wasn't looking for anything but a good time. I had been on the road, which is basically like summer camp, and similar to high school summer camp, a "relationship" was when you made out and held hands in public...for a week.

I was nervous when he continued to pursue me, but the more I got to really know this boy, the more I began to actually like him, beyond a few months. He was patient, kind, and he put up with all my crap! I really put that boy through the ringer. I really don't know how anyone else can handle the package of Lisa Goe. But he did it with flying colors.

When we were still getting to know each other, we never told anyone how close we had actually become. I used this to my advantage to see what type of guy he really was. Like most men I was attracted to, I assumed he was a genuine player, and I heard he was. Apparently he dated or made out with everyone in the work place, including the burn I had to bridge...we'll call her Sara.

Sara was a beautiful tall girl, young, but spunky, and we got to talking about guys one day at work. She opened up about her and Jay going out a few times, and how he really still liked her. I laughed inside thinking " ok...so he's REALLY good at hiding things, but now he's met his match! muhahahah!" and then I got to thinking "maybe all these girls are delusional.

Jay and I continued to keep our dating relationship on the down low. It became a game for me. I found out just how many girls thought they had something going on with him, and at the same time, Jay would tell me what REALLY happened. OH how i loved the truth. And no, i'm not about to say "but then!" because really..he was telling the truth.

He told me that yes he had made out with a few of the girls at work but they were a year or so ago, and with Sara, she wasn't very receptive, and he realized she maybe wasn't someone he needed. I later pulled it out of the girls, but it made me sad to see them think that maybe something could actually still happen.

Naturally people started to notice how close Jay and I became, but everyone seemed to think we were just close friends. I finally came out to Sara and told her about our relationship. I could tell Sara was a bit hurt, so I tried not to talk about it too much, but we became closer, she then had a boyfriend so I felt she was a safe person to confide in.

I enjoyed hanging out with Sara but something told me not to share too much information. She was an aspiring artist, and at times I felt I was only her friend for the people I knew, so I kept my mouth shut. Other than my small taste of possibly being used more as a tool than a friend, we were pretty good pals.

One night, a few of our friends were going to come over to hang out, so Jay and I made some mixed drinks and retreated back to my room. I heard his phone beep. I never had to spy on Jay we just had a very open communicative relationship so when I checked his phone to see who had text messaged him I was shocked. I pushed him off the bed and started going hysterical.

"Are you cheating on me?!! Just tell me are you!! ARE YOU!!"

Jay: "What? what are you talking about? Who text messaged me?"

"OH..I dunno SAra?! Apparently she is "At Jackson's" and "thinking of you" Did you go out on a date or something?!"

Jay: "Calm down. Maybe she's drunk. We went out before you and I even met. I took her to Jacksons"

I calmed down but was stunned. Are you serious? Mind you, yes, Jay and I broke up for a little bit which did make him single for a day or so, but we got back together. Am I wrong to think in girl code? If your girl and her boy break up, and you are the main person she confides in..aren't you NOT supposed to flirt with her ex!!!!!!

Anyhow. now..the dream.

I had one of those rotating dreams. The dreams you keep repeating in your head over and over and over. Basically Jay and Sara started dating in this dream. I saw them walking up to a house for a dinner party or something. It crushed me!!!

I woke up this morning a. feeling sad about that and then b. what am i doing with my life.

I just spent however many minutes sharing a story about a great relationship I had but was it of value to the rest of my life?! Am I happier now because of it?! maybe. I miss my old self. my motivated self, my artistic write a song, dream to be on the MMC self. but instead. I have dreams, about a broken heart.

Kraft Singles

2010-01-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

For dinner, I made myself a grilled cheese and whipped up a cup of clam chowder soup.
I reminisced over the smell of the clam chowder as it sat in the frying pan I used, to make my grilled cheese.

My mom used to make clam chowder, but she used the soup as a pasta sauce. We had pasta every night of the week. She would make what seemed to be, enough pasta for a small army. But kids eyes exaggerate what they can't reach.

Most days my dad would stay in his garage converted "office". I could hear him and his buddies throwing back a few beers and watching the tv. When my parents weren't busy working, they were busy cleaning or arguing. I played by myself a lot. I suppose that's where entertaining came in. Me and any mirror were best friends. We'd talk and dance and play for hours.

I remember the first boy I liked. I remember my romantic fairy tales I'd conjure in my head. I remember being teased by my parents. I remember not wanting to share a thing with them until later. I remember not wanting to be a romantic. I was so forward after 18 years, my father was more happy that I wasn't a lesbian rather than the fact I told him I had sex.

And As my innocence corroded, came the so called relationships, but I would have to say, I've really had only one boyfriend.

We broke up 5 months ago, and it hadn't really struck me till I saw him with another girl. flirting and touching and smiling, like the day we first met. I felt it was a bit disrespectful as I had been very considerate to not force him to watch my pursuits (of which I had many after the break up).

So thankfully due to our bizarre and very open and honest relationship, I brought it up. We discussed his concerns, my concerns, his jealousy, my jealousy. Then we spoke of friends, God, and then family. I was shocked and concerned to hear he had a phobia of marriage.

"I never want to get married. Its something people do when they get lonely and bored. All of my married friends don't do anything. They just stay home and go to work, then they have kids, and then what! They just get bored. But I suppose its something I'll do"

I unwrapped the Kraft Single American cheese. I rarely ever use this processed packaged queso. "Grow up" I thought to myself, projecting how I felt about my ex on this grade school excuse for cheese. But is that what we are. Are all singles my age (late 20's) pre packaged just waiting to be sandwiched into some perfect idea of a delicious toasty sandwich? Perhaps. It does seem that way. But I challenge a difference.

well hello

2009-12-23T18:03:00.000-08:00

I'm finally at the place where i can kick up my feet and enjoy myself.
After living in 4 places in less than a year i recently signed my one year lease on a small 4 bedroom 3 bathroom home in Nashville proper.

And now that I'm settled..a year and a half later, I feel like i can pick up where I was last.

Problem is now that I'm here, I'm ready to skudat.

If you were to ask what my accomplishments have been since i've moved here, none of them would be tangible. They wouldn't be exciting. They wouldn't by any means be spectacular. but!!! for the sake of being optimistic, they were life changing lessons.

Lesson #1! Impulse....not safe.

I ran on complete impulse moving here, was that so bad, no but for my sake, probably.
I suppose i always run from what I'm unsure of. Rather than stare at an opportunity and dissect it, i go for it and find I'm dissecting myself out of the situation.

And so..here I am. Trying to have a "lisa dissect uh me" wish me luck

ENTERPRISE. MY COMPLAINT. NEVER USE:)

2009-07-31T12:41:00.001-07:00

Hi Steven

I'm hoping an email will help remedy this issue.
If you could please cc Raylee
as well as Demetrius Flagg if possible, that would be much appreciated.
I would like to but do not have their emails.
Demetrius is now at the los feliz/ silverlake location.

So in short Here is the synopsis:

Mid August of 2008 My car broke down.
I was directed to the Enterprise on 990 N. Vine ST. (323-460-4100)
I rented a Prius.
On my way out of town, i was called by Demetrius Flagg
I was told if i were to bring the Prius back I would receive 2 free days in an intermediate vehicle with a free tank of gas.
Because I frequently travel, I felt this was a great deal.
I asked if i could use it at another location.
I was assured that it would be fine and the vine location would be billed.

My first attempt to use this coupon (which was written in Demetrius writing on a business card)
I went to an airport. I was told because they were at the airport it would not be redeemable.
I was told that i could use it at another location.

I again tried to use the coupon while in Los Angeles on business.I was told they would need to talk to the other branch to appropriately bill the location. I was told they were waiting to hear back from the direct manager for the area. After a few days i called back and said i no longer needed the vehicle. it had taken too long for them to get a response to properly bill. They apologized and suggested I call a few weeks before i redeem the coupon.

I had another last minute business call, this time in Santa Barbara. I called the Santa Barbara Branch. They were able to get a hold of the Vine Branch. we went ahead and made a reservation however when i got to the location they said nothing was fully approved. They hoped it had been but were unable to reach the manager at the Vine Branch. Thankfully Santa barbara is my hometown i was able to work something out for transportation through family. I asked again what I could do. They said they would notate it in the computers and in the future i would not have to go through this again.

Which brings us to this last weekend.

I had my coupon and called the Vine Branch. I spoke with Raylee who had said it was fine. Just bring in the coupon and have them call her. When i talked to Raylee she noted the SB branch had noted i used the car for a day, which was not true. It was an old note but was never used. Raylee and i worked it out and i was very appreciative.

I called the nearest location in Santa Monica. I had a wedding to be in and really didn't want to have to go through the entire story AGAIN. I asked for the manager and Patrick said he was a manager and would be happy to help me out. I explained to him the situation and he was very helpful. I told him i spoke to Raylee and he would need to call her. I told him she had let me know it would be fine to bill their location as long as i bring in the coupon, it would be no problem.

With my reservation, i was ready to go, with confidence i called to be picked up. I was told to call previous to being picked up because of how busy they were. I called at 1:17 ( i only remember because i set an alarm) as said, they were busy and would pick me up in 30. This was fine however it was 45 minutes, and i will blame myself for cutting so close, however i at the time was relaxed feeling assured everything was taken care of.

I got to the branch at 2:10. ready to get in the car and hit the road.
I gave them my licence credit card and coupon.
i was told "you can't use this" I said i had spoken to Raylee and it would be fine. they just needed to bill that location.
I was told again "well you can't do that"
I let them know i talked to a manager at that specific location as well as Raylee.
The assistant manager shook his head and said , "no you didn't"
I am a fairly patient person but that really turned me for a loop. ( as a notation of customer service..don't tell me what i did or didn't do please)
Steven was helping another customer and came to the rescue and asked who i spoke to
Apparently Patrick is "in training"

i absolutely needed a car. it really put me in a predicament. I was in the wedding still not dressed. and still 2 hrs out with the wedding beginning at 5, me needing to be there at 4: but allowing 4:30.

I was told i would have to be billed. Steven said we would be able to figure this out monday morning.

we got to the car, and there was not enough gas to get me to santa barbara. thankfully i was given a new car with a full tank of gas (thank you! finally! customer service!)

igot to the wedding was late and half dressed (literally being zipped before jaunting down the aisle) but made it...stressed.

I called Steven early monday morning in hopes of situating everything before getting to the location in Santa monica.
He assured me we would situate everything once i got to the branch. I also called to see if Raylee was available but she was not, so Steven said that was fine, we'd just talk once i got there.

I arrived at about 12:30 and nothing was resolved. I was told my credit card would still have to be charged but if the other branch was willing to be billed i would receive a refund back on my card.

In simple....i need a refund. I don't know who has to do what but i've done my fair share of research and running around, being filled with hope and than disappointment. This time it really turned me around.

REasons a refund is necessary:
*Because you had an "in training" manager who ASSURED ME this would not be a problem, it should be a no problem situation. I had a verbal and written contract, both of which have not been executed. not my problem.

*because i was told i could use this at another location. had i known it would be such an issue that i would have to rent and return all the way in hollywood when i'm mainly in sm and sb, i would not have taken the coupon.

*because this is absolutely ridiculous. I understand you have your rules, standards, protocol , and so on but i also know there are exceptions. This case is that by definition.

*because I'm told one thing and given a mouth full of something else.

I hope this finds you well and in better help of consistency for your business, for both present and future employees. I however, will no longer be an Enterprise renter, nor will my affiliates. Better fortune to you in the future.

Thank you

Lisa Goe

P.s i am more than willing to send you the actual card once my refund is fulfilled or once you receive it refund me the full amount. I don't care about this coupon i just want it to be used. and done with.

so guess what!

2009-05-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

i'm getting motivated!!!

i woke up at 6
i went on a run
i ran out of breath
i walked:)

I cleaned the front deck,
i made clippings of flowers,
i took out the trash,
i found some worms....gross

I did the dishes,
i mopped the floor,
i straightened my hair,
i finished my paper work

I went to the bank
the bank was closed
i can't pay my bills now
i
am
broke

but on the brighter side i still have to go to work
and hope that some part of today will motivate the words and tune i'm hoping and prayin for

do i stay or do i go now doododododod..

and the recent "gossip"....oh wait.. i don' have any
other than i'm at coffee shop that is way too trendy and some girl with her cute mini coup can't drive and almost hit me...good job.

at home and thinking

2009-05-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

herro. i've just spent way too much time on the computer now realizing i was sposed to contact the rental company to honor my darn coupon so i'm not stuck in sb.
thinkin bout moving..again. so we'll see....but here are my old roommates. bring it! thanks bank:)

next!

2009-05-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

5/8/209
in a plane
again.
and i found myself doing something i never thought i would have or do...
a routine.
I somewhat noticed my tendency but shoved it off. but today. marking the 20 billionth plane ride i’ve had this year, i noticed it.

my noticed schedule when flying goes something like this:
I wake up in the morning, with my clothes ready to hurriedly throw on.
After doing so i rattle on my roommates door “ you ready?”
we scramble in the car and arrive at the airport.
Thankfully, Nashville airport is apreciatively small, so gettin there 30 minutes before take off is close..but doable.

I check in, get to security, unzip my bag and without a blink of an eye, shoes scarf, and jacket off, 2 bins. one for my clothes, wallet, and random items the other for my computer, zip my carry ons through the machine, ticket in my mouth, and then with ticket now in my hand, i walk through with a smile praying that they don’t need to check me. I then proceed to my gate. After lingering at the gate for a while...i contemplate do i want something to drink? a magazine? and realize i have bt 2 minutes to board my plane.

I watch everyone freak out and scramble really tightly to squeeze themselves even more tightly into the plane, then when there are less people i decide to have my ticket scanned. I put my bag up top, and one under my seat, and by this time i am either relieved or annoyed when i notice my seat. middle isn’t always bad....just when you’re between a loud mouth, a somewhat larger person who has the window side, or a douchy guy who looks at you like...its my lucky day. gross..

and this is where i noticed all my patterns. I sit down, and immediately pick up the sky mall magazine. I flip through and stare at each item as if i’d never seen them before. some of them i laugh at but wonder who on the other side is making big bucks for something i wish i had invented ie the “stand at a distance bug vacuum” or the “looks like a rock but isn’t” . Today it must have hit me or something. or i just memorized it to the point of boredom....but i still skimmed through that magazine for a bout 30 minutes, and i noticed What is it about growing up and having routines!!!! I never used to do this? I’d get so bored with something i’d strive for something new!

In noticing my tick of a ro utine, I also noticed something else correlating to my recent disturbance. I lost a bit of my luster for music. I’ve thought about going back into acting and i might very well do that but so much “appeared” to me today. I remember getting to the airport or train station and immediately going to the magazine counter and buying the next nylon, blender, or flaunt. I’d skim throug and read everything front back top to bottom side to side, heck upside down!! and i was on top of the world. This luster took me to a whole new world of possibilities with no routine, no agenda, just go. breathe. live.

I can’t say routines are all that horrible. I have relied on somewhat of a routine the past few weeks. i wake up water the plants i’m attempting to grow, do the dishes, some laundry, make breakfast, go to work, but smething is still missing.

am i losing myself to a routine?

To post or not to post

2009-05-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

so yes i suck major
I need to and would LOVE to be better at keeping up with this blog, and because i am indeed trying to be a bit more routine with my life. i'm going to begin right ....now.

so... whats up. well i'll tell you whats up.....

ps...it sounds like i'm saying that " in california is having a recession..but i'm fully aware its the usa. i say "and" just want to clarify..

Familiar face

2009-01-20T00:34:00.001-08:00

you were perfect
in every way
i remember the first day i met you
white shirt and skater boy dickie pants
and through the laughing i remember a fountain
a fountain that carried my wishes

I remember me as well
brown stringy hair and a magenta sweater

She was gorgeous
in every way
her skin was flawless and her eyes ......
they were like pools you could dive in, and mine were brown like dirt

I remember your car
and the way you'd stand in the hallways
and how i would muster up as much courage as i could to speak to you
and i couldn't...so i'd stand by

YOu were handsome.
you wore an "irish hat"
you were on your way to see Miss Gorgeous
I was wearing an apron caked with batter and grease...like my face
but you still smiled and gave me a hug

I remember your face
I remember how crushed it was
I remember not knowing what to do but watch you
and grateful you had friends who loved you

i took my stringy hair
and dirty eyes and cleaned them up

I may have cleaned them too well

I wonder what it would be like had I waited to share my golden moments with you
and not with anyone else
and i wonder if i ever will.
i hope
but not tormented.

I think of you often,

sincerely,

your familiar face.

smoke

2008-12-07T23:02:00.000-08:00

i have this crazy urge to want to listen to Ben Fold's five mix tape demo.
I can't find it.
Its probably at my parents house in the closet underneath massive picture frames, picture boxes, paint, and other random things you leave at your parents house when you don't live with them any more.

Currently i'm learning the new songs for Senior Year. I recently purchased "single ladies" beyonce. oh oh oh oh...if you like it then you shoulda puta ring on it. ...
not exactly the song i'm craving right now.

I think i'm craving some type of cult nostalgia. I remember getting that cd. I remember TRYING to get many cds. My mother, God bless her. Let me purchase my very first cd at wherehouse. Ah, wherehouse. the place where you went with your parents, friends, and loved ones to pick out a movie or the new techno cd (in the late 90's) and by chance you would glance over and catch some cute boy or girls eye, and notice their venue bracelet from the night before, and try to glance at what music/movie selection they were looking at.

Now i was to shy to act on anything. I remember one time i was asked "are you finding everything ok" I freaked out, smiled and stared down at a sublime cover. He asked " so where you from, how old are you" blah blah blah...i was flippin 14 man!!!! back off!!! i wasn't so privy to the game yet.

I was however privy to music. I remember when jagged little pill came out, portishead, no doubt,radiohead, oasis, ah geez i totally remember when aqua aquarium came out. One of my best friends went early before class to buy the new album a la "i'm a barbie girl" we LOVED that song! But i didn't go with her to get the cd, and i didn't purchase many of my fave songs on the radio till much later in my years. college actually, and based on this one incident, and i'll never forget it.

I went to where house. I bought Jagged Little Pill: Alanis Morissette. I took it home. I listened to it. My mom knowing the angel i was didn't think it would be much harm popping the cd in the family room while she did the dishes one saturday afternoon. Next thing i know i'm having a sit down with my mom, her looking at me trying to understand why i would want to listen to this music. Now i know some of you are thinking " well she was right! but c'mon! it was my first cd!!! and i liked how she wrote! all writers need to start somewhere, and be inspired by something or someone right?!

My mom proceeded to tell me to get dressed, we were going back to Wherehouse to return the cd. Yes....thats right. RETURN the cd. For FULL price people. not like a buy back. this was BEFORE buy back at record shops and what not. So, my mom and I drove back to Where house and returned the cd. and i got all my money back.

Now tape decks were super common. and cd's... well you played those by putting a cassette in the tape deck but the cassette had...i guess they are still around so i suppose they still "have" them) a wire that came out the end that hooks to a cd player..and then the cd player has an adapter that sticks in your car lighter...and hence the creation of the ipod;). well as soon as i got the jagged little pill cd i didn't want to hassle with all that so unbenounced to my mother i made a copy onto cassette;)

As sneaky as i was on that one attempt i never bought a cd i really liked until much later, and then of course itunes and all the other "I's" of the iapple family came out. I bought cds my parents would approve, but i remember this one song: Brick. I'd heard it at some coffee shop and loved it. Some kid was playing a demo and i asked who it was
" umm...lemme go check " the kid said
as he went to the back i looked back at my friends. they just smiled. i've always been somewhat impulsive
"ben folds five. yeah its pretty good"

I jotted it down and kind of forgot about it, knowing that even if i had found it i probably would have to return it. A few months later, i heard it on the radio. It didn't play often but on weekends when i got together with my friends i would call into the radio station and request it as much as possible. (yes y'all...back in the day..you called in and you requested. video wasn't the only culprit who killed the radio star. Steve Jobs also had a part in it.. but i love that apple loving guy!! and i'm not being fescicious...really i'm totally not. i'm apple mac for life!

Finally, one saturday afternoon, my friend Nicole and I went downtown. I went past the street i was allowed to but i knew it wasn't as dangerous as they thought. Plus there were better stores, and this great record shop everyone went to. EVERYONE! plus sometimes we'd run into the cute boys we had crushes on. haha!

Anyhow we're flipping through this and that, and there it was. Ben Folds Five Demo.

____-------_______-------________--------_________--------________--------_______----

no joke i just gave myself some breathing space to really reminisce on that moment.. $4.99 was printed on a neon red/orange sticker on the front. I still haven't taken it off. Here it was in my hands but i didn't know what to do. i wanted to buy it but i couldn't my mom would take me back to the store and embarrass the living daylights out of me again!

"i'll buy it!" nicole smiled at me
"its like..merry early christmas, late happy birthday!"
Nicole and I still NEVER are around for eachothers birthday...but it was PERFECT!!!!!

I took it home, lit my candles, sat at my desk, and put it in my walkman. that way no one could hear it but me. I wrote for hours. about what? i dunno, but i loved it. Especially this one song smoke. I played it over and over and over again, and knew just went the bad words were coming so i could turn it down just at the right moment, then turn it all the way back up if i was listening to it out in the open in my room.

and now i want that. i want those candles, i want that cd, i want the scent of wax filling my room and my mind being carried away by dreams, hopes, wishes, and at the time all of it could come true. all of it was just an arms stretch away. and now.....i don't know where i lost it....

DEEE lete

2008-12-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

I have a day off..well kind of. i have to go into work late today so i should be looking for another job and posting stuff for our senior year event and learning new songs..but i haven't oops. ..and i need to!

Anyhow i decided to empty my email box. 180 emails in my box doesn't seem necessary.
To the right i looked at all my folders filled with archived letters, coupons, and receipts and i saw a name. a name i haven't spoken to or thought of in a long time.
This folder was filled with pictures, posters, letters, laughs, and tears, but i've been sitting on it for a long time hoping that it would inspire a song or maybe i'd use the material for a book, but its been about 2.5 years now and those archives have all just continued to rot.

I think the most I've done with them is read them and bow my head in pure embarassement that i would even have kept these letters this long, not to mention this person. Yes at times i wish this person could still be in my lfe and we could utilize eachother resources of knowledge, but sometimes "these are time that can't be whethered, and we have never been back there since" -rilo kiley

So today i "selected all" clicked "delete" and removed the label.

And today is the first time i've been inspired to even write about them. the end.

RIP : ________ all done

day of vegging

2008-11-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

So i took the day to roll around in bed as usual. ok, well it wasn't like i REALLY wanted to roll around for 3 hours in bed but i really didn't want to call the Saturn Service to have them say, yay! you owe us $100!! yay! i can't wait to have no money again! woohoo!!

So after running around with my friend craig i went over to my friend Derek's to do some laundry. He and his roommate are out on tour so we get to watch their dog, Bowie, and enjoy some free laundry:) And of course a little cable...we don't have that yet..:)

I sat down turned on all the remotes and sat..for hours..and realized tv has gone to crap! so i dyed my roommates hair instead:)

Another day and another dollar

2008-11-23T23:57:00.000-08:00

As I sit here awake in bed at an "early" 2 am, i look inside my closet that is slightly in front of me and stare at my purchase of the day. A short black cap sleeved dress with polka dot rosettes in the front. I splurged. I splurged a whole $26 and some odd cents. Splurge you might think? well yes. Its been a few months off tour and with moving to a completely different state and being rehired at my previous job for a few months, i also had to get the horribly bad news that I would have to take a major major ..and i mean major paycut.

The funny thing is its alright. The cost of living in Nashville is much much less than Los Angeles, but thats all i'm really doing...living. Staying at home, watching a few movies, eating a few potato chips hoping a song will inspire me to move and write it down, but instead staring balnkly at our fluorescent green wall because i really have nothing else to do and nowhere i can afford to go.

I had a friend come over last night. We had met at a show a few weeks back. My roommate and i went because..well it was free. It turned out to be a really really great show at this place, the basement. My new friend Ryan was teasing me a bit as I was playing the small harmonica around my neck. We got to talking, exchanged numbers, and have been trying to get together ever since. Last night was our first hang out that was more than 10 minutes.

It was great! We stayed at my house and a slew of other people were staying over so it just felt very full and warm and great conversations were definitely thrown around each room in our humble abode. Ryan at one time looked at me and said, "you don't like to leave your house do you?" I thought about it.....its not that i dont like to get out of the house, i just really don't know what else to do. Its cold, everything costs money, and when i have the people i love in my house, why would i want to go.

But Ryan did have a point. I should be out meeting people and hanging out not settling in and sitting on my butt. Well, i guess there's two sides. One side, i should be getting out and meeting people, the other side i should definitely be staying in and playing music, but! problem with that is, my creative times are really early in the morning. for example right now. I usually never write unless i'm in some place foreign or its really late/ early in the morning.

Whatever the case my life seems to be whirlwinding around money. I either have enough but i toss it here and there or i don't have enough so i'm forced to live paycheck by paycheck and not really getting done what intended to do.

The focus for me now is finding a job. and of course the industry i'm in..there's just no jobs available. I"m praying. somethings gotta give. as much as i enjoy selling scarves and tailoring pants...this is not my life. it can't be.

Donnie Darko..and other things

2008-11-09T23:55:00.000-08:00

After many years of not watching the so called "infamous" Donnie Darko, i finally took the time to watch it, and i was, as i thought I would be, scared out of my mind. Don't get me wrong the soundtrack, the camera work, and the editing were all very appealing and I took it for just that. A great piece of Art, but i'm not going to say i wasn't a little spooked.

I never watched the movie in the first place due to some misplaced emotions i was trying to anchor down with myself, and watching it at the time would only remind me of the one something i was trying to escape. I felt in the last 3 years that movie just kept popping up as the best of the best and I was crazy for not watching such art. I'd always thought about renting it and evaluating it myself, but I never did. So, as i watched it tonight, i couldn't help but shutter a little bit. That dang bunny is so pickin freaky!!!

I guess you can say i've been going through a lot of transitions and watching this movie was a total eye opener for me. I've been living my life outside my normal lines, and have not felt "convicted", as one would say about liberal acts such as drinking and smoking (cigarettes of course nothing else) and not to say these things are all horrible or worth being convicted from, but it is what one does in the act of such liberal acts that could disturb some..and have lately been disturbing myself.

I have been crying out for God to help me figure all this out ( if this message seems confusing. don't be alarmed. i am SERIOUSLY all over the place) I lately have felt that rather than my hands being empty with full sacrifice on the alter ready to receive blessing, i've been on my knees with my hands buried deep and heavy with garbage. Where i used to not fear something as crazy as demon bunnies, my heart is literally pounding at the thought i may turn around and see something..ugh. i don't even want to think about it.

I'm traveling on a journey right now and i need to do this on my own without other peoples opinions, suggestions, or any two sense that would come across as judgemental or "life coachie" I need to find out for myself why i believe what i believe and how, again, to live by it, with no regrets, knowing that bridges may burn, but its all worth the cost.

Its late. i need to go to bed.

yay. a day off

2008-07-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in miami florida right now, and i must say my brain is killing me.
I had a shipment come in yesterday of new merchandise but counting it and organizing it was for some reason a task. I knew i was going to get it done, however my brain was stuck on something. i don't know what. but it was.

The day went by slowly and because of Katy's early set we did not have too many people come to the tent. we packed up early and i headed to the bus. As i walked past the gates with my vip pass, i paused and realized that this small piece of paper around my neck was what valued me at that moment. i could do whatever i wanted. but i didn't now what to do.

It seems lately i have no idea how to make my own decisions..granted of course i do, but for example i could have continued on the tour rather than come to miami, and for a loss of what to do i came to miami....and i think it was a good decision. its strange. i just feel like i'm constantly second guessing myself, when i have the freedom to go and be free and not be tied down to piece of paper cased with plastic that tells me where i can and can't go.

Perhaps i'm not making sense, but i'm just going off feelings right now. I just feel constrained and strange. I could say i miss home, but here's the truth...i don't. Im miss faces and i miss the familiar touch of guitar strings under my fingers, but i'm loving the fact i wake up and i'm in a different city working.

Disappointments to this job, there is no room for any type of relationship. i can barely call my mom. I'm not saying its not possible I'm just saying even the people i meet that i may have an interest in, there would just be no way. Its too complicated. It explains why so many musicians on the road are so flighty. Sure the ideal would be to be with one and only one person, but the temptation is much more difficult and those who succeed, i give them A+++..and thank God i DO know a few.

I'm so just jibber jabbering now, but why not. if you see this call me because i don't even have a working phone. i can receive calls i just can't dial out.

Enjoy a few more pictures. I hope this finds you well:)

All squished in an elevator on our way up to our VIP Stay at Planet HOllywood. what!

Awesome free steak dinner at Strip House! Brother came. yay!!

Me and Mr. Markus Molinari

www.markusisthedrug.com

We had to make an appearance at some club that supposedly some of the girls from the hills were going to be at..but we didn't see them, and instead danced on the couches and hung out with a bachelorette party...meh

Making the 0 of 303 Nat, Matt Beckley, and Sean Foreman. Hardcore.

Tessa, Austin, and I in our bright pink tent. we are hard workers;)

Perfect. split self portraits. Bottle o Jameson and a cup o' noodles, What a delight. haha

what my day looks like

2008-06-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

6/26/08

A typical day for me begins as follows.

Wake up when the bus stops moving (about 7am). Go out to the common area, grab the bay key, grab belongings from under the bus, get changed, drink as much water as possible, and start unloading merchandise.

Before we got space on the merch trailer, i was having to find someone who made the lay out of the warped tour merch space. This was a pain because finding this one important person could take up to 10 minutes..and those 10 minutes are priceless.

Now that we have space on his trailer, things are a little easier. I get up, go out there, and begin loading off our materials and pulling up our hot pink tent where the “lay out space man” has already chosen our perfect spot.

Day by day it has been getting easier, and Tessa, my assistant, and i have been able to eat breakfast. Some days things have been so rushed we barely get to eat lunch.

Now even though most people think being a “merch person” is easy, layed back, and party all the time, they’ve got it all wrong. As i stated before my day begins roughly at 7 am. My day ends anywhere from 10 pm (on a good day) to 3 am. I try to get in as much rest as possible, however on days like today, where i have a day off in vegas and a pickin HUGE sweet suite at Planet HOllywood...sleep is obsolete.

Off days are priceless because you don’t have to hear questions such as:

*What time is Katy playing?

*What Stage is she playing at?

*Is Katy doing a signing?

*Where is the signing going to be?

*How much is that shirt?

Mind you, answers to all these questions are posted EVERYWHERE.
When I say everywhere, i mean everywhere. We have them posted on the poles ON the booth. We have people walking around with the posted answers actually ON them. Its pretty rediculous..oh..and i forgot one.

“Do you know where Jeffrey Star is? He has a pink tent.”

Its like seriously people..serious. just because i have a pink tent, doesn’t mean I know where all the pink tents are..and p.s. look at my tent. Its pretty obnoxiously obvious that its the Katy Perry Tent.

uff..

anywho. for now thats whats up. and for now. i’m going to have a pina colada..no a mai thai at the pool. cheers

Dry Heaves..and NO thats not a band i met

2008-06-22T02:47:00.001-07:00

Pomona,CA

Apparently all Warped Tours go something like this.

*Mohawks
*streeks of fluorescent and black hair
*HEAT
*Vomit
*Blood
*Cool stuff!

And i got to see it all. Day 2 began unexpectadly. We arrived in Pomona the night before and waited an hour and a half just to be let into the gate. Our credentials (visibly known as the "laminated all access pass" hadn't arrived and the security guard wouldn't let us pass...( I mean seriously, would we really spend a pazillion dollars wrapping a large tour bus with someones face on it just so we can go to warped tour..i don't think so)

We finally got in and slept. 8:40 am i woke up looked out my plastic accordian curtain from my bunk and noticed i was probably late. I leaped out and Julia the tour manager looked at me with tired eyes and no words were exchanged...this was our OFFICIAL first day of warped tour.

After running around the Pomona race track, we found our necessary "directors" and staked down a space for our Merch. Little did i know it would be another 4 hours till we actually got up and running.

Because this is Katy's first tour, we have still been working out some kinks. For example, The doors for the tour open at 10 am. Our merch did not arrive till close to noon. Once we got the merch we hadn't received a price list and on top of that, i had no money for change! so here i was under a fluorescent pink tent with a lot of merch but no money and no answers for all the young punk kids.

It wasn't long till i felt my self with feelings i'd never felt before, but heard of the symptoms; i was dehydrated. I had not water and nothing to eat all day.

p.s. its 3 am and I have to wake up at 7 am...this story will have to continue later or you can ask me in greater detail. otherwise , here's an outline

*dry heaves (got them)
*vomit (did it twice)
*mohawks (booth behind us was giving them for fun...and to be on the radio)
*bright colored hair (is everywhere)
*blood...i saw that today! (in San Fran presently)

a Brief: Katy Perry is blowing up like mad..to the point that i'm on tour with her andi don't even get to see her.

b. i don't sleep and i apologize if you call and i don't answer. i literally wake up at 7am and sleep right now..

good night.

DAy 1. its only just begun

2008-06-20T02:41:00.000-07:00

Its night. i couldn’t tell you which night because i don’t think i’ve lived off the name of days for a few weeks now, and i’m sitting on a bus. A bus filled with food, boys, and crass conversations. Where am I? I am on a painted “Katy Perry” bus. “MySpace + Katy Perry” splattered on the side, and i’m on my way to Warped Tour.

My day began at 7:30 am. With Tired eyes, i dreamed that all the things laying on my floor magically packed themselves and i could sleep for just a little longer.

I pushed myself out of bed, and started where i gave up the previous night. I had to stop and get to my list of unexpected necessities; Peanut Butter, strawberry necklaces, baby wipes ( yes..for the darear). My heart was racing as i thought of all the things i needed to accomplish as well as pack my own belongings.

My grandparents ( God love em) had nothing else to do today and decided to join me on the adventure of collecting random things on someone else’s expense. It worked out perfectly, considering the day before my steering wheel mysteriously began to smoke from the stearing column...the wires must have crossed and decided to go aflame...who knew!

As we hustled around buying odds and ends, i stopped every few moments, trying to grasp what i was doing. I was purchasing items that would sit on a bus, with people i’d never met before, but were all genius’s in the music department. Well okay, maybe not geniuses but, to me, they know and have been everywhere a person wants to be for music.

VIP, Top Venues, you name it, they were probably there, played there, passed out cold there. I wouldn’t want to compare my tales to something similar like Almost Famous..but ..its feeling pretty close.

I’m silent. Very silent. Observing everyone’s manerisms and trying to understand where my place is , and where it is not. Trying to understand the rules of the road, where to sleep, what to eat, what to say, who to talk to and who not to. I mean these people know what they’re doing. One of the guys dads was in a band (i haven’t asked yet which one) and has lived on these tour buses pretty much since birth.

Vocabulary has varied anywhere from Shwamp Ass to Bitch Creek. By varied i mean, new vocabulary. for example:

Shwamp Ass: obtained from being on the road, and being unable to use regular toilet paper on the private areas. Also obtained from humidity, and lack of clean underwear. Cure? Baby Wipes.

Bitch Creek: A beer found at some random plastic black bag giving liquor store.

Merch: ( I knew this one, but some don’t so..) short for “Merchandise”

Swag: Free STuff meant for promotions.

So that is the vocabulary today.

I hate to say it but i’m kind of shy about taking pictures and filming everything, but its pretty fantastic. i’m so nervous. i don’t want to screw up because i would love to have some other type of job out of this...but i’m definitely feeling a bit like me writing songs is going to be a problem unless i can get out of my shell for a moment.

2 more months. 8 weeks. I suppose i’ll take day one as day one, fold over the nasty comforter provided for me, and see what happens tomorrow.

good night.

pictures to come. don’t worry...i’ll be using my free “swag” from Myspace...yes..a camera. WHAT!

M-i-a

2008-05-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

so yes.
i have been missing in actions
why?
because i finally have my bearings down in los angeles.

I have found some amazing friends
Some fantastic places to eat..late...i can't sleep before 3 am
and I'm just making los angeles very small. i mean its big, but you know.

I definitely have had quite the transition since i first got here, some great opportunities, and some ideas but i'm...still figuring things out.

how is everyone else doing out there?
p.s. you all should come to a show. i've decided.

www.myspace.com/lisagoe

i'm sick today. so i'm basically bored and realized i have indeed been mia..and that is bad. so hello:) and write me soon;) puhlease.

paper bag

2008-04-21T22:20:00.000-07:00

I can't say much
but i'll tell you what i saw
paper bags walk out the door one by one.
timidly they'd walk down the tiled walkway bare.
feeling like everyone
is watching with knowing stares

slowly lifting sunnies
or swooping over hair
a tiny finger would push a button to a place still filled with fear.

The room smelled of cleaning fluids
or maybe rubber gloves
instruments that prod away a life that never was

Embarrassing but noted by each brow that lifted still
by televisions, catalogs, and notes to fit the bill.

the glass that broke between the eyes, the mind, the thoughts, the foe
A still frame, slow
but steady
a voice "open" short and to the point.

moment by moment
palms sweaty
but the peace of paper bags
breeze sweetly
still with head bowed down, eyes to the ground
each paper bag brings less glory

a call of the name and a quivered yes
some sort of relief
but still false as it feels, for a moment releases pain

a quick chat and that was that
a paper bag your threw
a paper bag still due.
and in confidence, all knew
to never tell a soul.

Today i walked the turtle

2008-04-16T01:09:00.000-07:00

Adventures to come...

2008-04-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

so as promised..i indeed have some adventures...but this is just a preview.. a trailor if you will;)

Desperado

2008-04-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

Why don't you come to your senses.....

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Shoot. i don't know what else to say other than that.

so hows life kids!? my hope is that you are doing well.
My hope is that someone out there will be able to tell me what the heck i'm doing, but i won't lie. i have had some great encouragement.

In the last week i have met quite the random slew of friends, and so far so good. They're all a bit crazy, but its good crazy. I guess you can say i've met my gonzos.

Update on Boberry biscuits rock my picking world

2008-03-25T09:06:00.002-07:00

check it out..scroll. down. enjoy:)

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

I came home for Easter, and its great to be home. my dog has a set of bunny ears on with a basket of goodies that she is drooling over. i love it. I think we are having a bit too much fun with these bunny ears.

My trip in Nashville was amazing, but i couldn't tell you the highlight. or any GREAT rockstar stories. It was a definite time of reflection and i will have to say, I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm starting to feel however that i don't have a lot of time to figure it all out. Granted today's society has changed in the last 20 or so years, but i look at my life, comparative to my mothers, and realize at my age my mom had a full time well paid job and a 2 year old daughter.

I, on the other hand, am nowhere near having children and recognize in no more than 4 years i will indeed be 30..."30 flirty and thriving" Ha! For the time being. i'll just enjoy my dog and my bunny ears

BO BERRY BISCUITS ROCK MY PICKING WORLD!!!

2008-03-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

So i have a song called Cigarette, inspired by a young life girl i met who reminded me of myself, but I had not nearly as much of a rich story line. She would rant and rave about Bojangles "her all time munchy spot" so i wrote about it, and threw in some common food items so people in the south would know what I was talking about.

needless to say, i never actually enjoyed a bo*berry biscuit and a large coke for 2..that is until last night! the most glorious of glory's! after a great dinner at sams' i ventured to bo*jangles which no joke, after i finish this blog, i'm hopping in my sweet jetta rental, hitting some thrift stores, and getting another helping of boberry biscuits. they are the most delicious things ever!!!

I'm about to document.. so get prepared.

on another note. i like nashville. its easy. its comforting, there are nice people, and i can totally understand how musicians enjoy playing here. its home, even if you've never set foot on the land before. its home. As i got in the car on my way to my friends house, I thought out loud, "is it weird i don't feel out of place?!" and i still don't. i don't feel awkward or scared. comfortable. really.

okay leaving fido and on to bojangles. i might even have to write another song about these darn biscuits;) yum

UPDATE! to prove my love of BoBerry Biscuits, enjoy the video.
p.s. notice the white marks on the wheel. they are icing remnants from the previous nights spree:)

Another airport and its all the same thing

2008-03-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

FiRST! I do have some pics from St. patty's day with the most fantastic story. so that is coming. SECOND. this one is long and may be exhausting..so if you don't read it i understand.

I’m in the airport once again. there’s definitely something appealing about writing in an airport. Or maybe its more the fact i get a moment to sit and write how i want, rather than how much time I have in my pocket at the moment.
A few things i noted as i walked around..and i dearly wish i had scratched them down on paper because i already know i’ve forgotten a few

*time: complaining: frustration
* the price for good food
*kind people in the airport. first time i’ve run into kind people in la
*Destination unknown.

I don’t know why i get myself so frustrated over petty things. Only petty beccause the satisfaction of complaining dies quickly once I adjust. Today its money. However, when really is it not money. I have an oodle and a half of financial woes, yet i’m flying to Tennessee and then a break in maui, followed by who knows what. I couldn’t be doing that bad right? I know I am a traveler at heart, and for a while now it has certainly been repressed, so funds..meh..its losing the funds for stupid things is the matter.

This morning, I woke up, disgruntled i had spent the prior evening collecting as many tax write offs as possible. I downloaded umpteenth sheets of papers to file, and in the end, 5 hours later, was still at square one. I had previously finished my taxes, however my previous employer decided to give me a 1099 suggesting I was an independent contractor..i don’t even have a license.

Being that there are only 3 weeks till tax day and i had not received any papers, i didn’t file it. My first mistake..or was it. anyhow. I did not complete my taxes and then had to pack. Now this all wouldn’t be so bad except i had planned to see Rachael Yamagata, an artist i have high esteem for and has in the past written great encouragement that has helped encourage me on this crazy path of musician life.

As my friend Nathan would say, you wouldnt put a baby in the freezer..or some nonsense like that, meaning, don’t regret what you can’t unfix..how that has to do with a baby in the freezer i don’t know.. perhaps i’m misquoting him, but in any case, point taken. I need to keep moving forward and not look at what I didn’t do...but of course i won’t. i’m too filled with Drama to do that!

I continued the morning disgruntled, puffy eyed from spasmatic anxiety attack, fixed myself a bowl of cereal, and headed out to the airport. My grandmother was kind of enough to give me some cash, which i always feel bad about taking. i should be giving her money, not her giving me money. I took it still with gratitude and proceeded down the long line of uncertainty.

I checked in and was stopped by a kind stewardist who would not stop complimenting my carry on bag. I must say its pretty chic. Its fluorescent green. How could you NOT want this bag. She was so kind, asked where i was flying, and was disappointed we would not be on the same flight (shew as going to NY) A smile stretched between my cheeks, and i realized that was the first nice person i spoke with in la in a LONG time. sad sad sad.

As i walked the corridor to find Gate 44 v I decided to get some food. I compared prices and went up and down a few times, comparing prices, food items, and so on. I settled with a deli that was wicked expensive, but the food was good, nutritious, and for having not much on it (roasted vegetables and ciabatta..not even cheese!) it was really good.....that or i wanted it to be good for paying so much for it. Its truly amazing how much Airports are making off of people from food!

I looked around a while for my gate and couldn’t for the life of me find it. 42,43, 45, 46...what?! where’s 44?! back and forth back and forth. I was bewildered. i looked for someone to ask but everyone was going every which way. I found it, down the stairs, around the corner, hop on a shuttle, and tuhdah! you’ve arrived! I got there in plenty of time..however..i needed gum. man. i’m sitting in the plane now, thinking....crap. these people i’m between must think i smell bad. but what are you going to do.
For now, i feel a little ill prepared. i won’t lie. I didn’t check to see if i had any other connections in Nashville. I don’t even know why i’m going. to go for an experience of some possible bigger gig. what am I doing. I want to say i’m being faithful, but the truth is, am i being ignorant.. okay gross. these people in front of me need to get their hands off each other before i vom all over them. save it for the bathroom or something..anywho.

When we first arrived on the plane, we heard there would be a bit of a delay. And this is what i heard “oh c’mon! we’re leaving at what time? thats ridiculous, I HAVE to be back by Saturday. we need to take off now! uff gruff blah” I’m not saying i’ve never had these words come out of my mouth before (because i most certainly have) but it made me realize how important everyone thinks their time is. have we lost the true value of relaxation? I understand not everyone gets on a plane to go on vacation or to be somewhere exciting, but where are the days you just push off and not worry about not being somewhere at this or that time..okay now the couple is kind of cute.

C’est la vie. I hope i’m not making a mistake..i dont think i am. i really dont even know why i’m on this plane.. but i’m thankful. i needed to get out of la. i’ll save that for next time.

The tale of the no good very bad day

2008-03-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

I have vented enough vents
and opened enough windows to not want to re-live the past few days in Santa Barbara. i don't think i was even there thats how horrible it was. it was more than dominoes..it was more like a volcano where everything erupts and then trickles down until it hardens , but alas another bubbling muck appears and you are back at square one.

to sum things up it went like this (I do need to preface all this and say..indeed..although my day was bad..these were indeed "luxury problems")
*rush around. finish moving
*have a show, wait, pay bills first
*go to pay store card bills find out fraudulent charges were made
*come to find not only that, but my visa had been compromised

at this point i'm looking at stress case moving around and throwing the remainder of her, my, things in the car, no bank card, and WICKED low on gas..and oh yeah. i apparently have a show so need to get ready for that.

so i took a break. i needed to. I went on the most beautiful hike, and i just wanted to sit up there on the mountain for afew hours and breathe in the relaxation of it all..but no..keep rushing around.

next morning. same things, but this time i spent most of my time talking to people who couldn't speak a lick of english who then told me to call on monday..nice. no money, bills overdue, stress stress stress..i know it doesn't seem like it..but my head was in a vice.

I couldn't take it, so i left Santa Barbara, a little refreshed but mostly stressed. I left when the sun was setting and enjoyed driving The 1. I called some friends and enjoyed some great and sometimes obscure music, and just decided to look forward to the rest of the evening.

My friend Ernie Halter had a show at Hotel Cafe, so i joyfully enjoyed an evening listening to him and Tony Lucca ( former Mickey mouse club member). It was a great show, and my friends from Canada, including the fabulous singer songwriter canadian "mod" extraordinaire Laurel. We all had a fabulous time enjoying the music as well as my good friend Samantha's birthday.

Ernie had mentioned maybe we all hang out later after the show, but being as it was daylight savings, we held off on going to the local club, 86 (awesome old speakeasy..my favorite). Instead, Ernie introduced me to Joey Degraw..who yes, is Gavin Degraw's brohawn...who in the end..although hanging out could have been fun, and he did ask me for my myspace...??? i was glad to retreat home.

so the moral of the story is...even if you are having a no good very bad day...take the time to do something you love. you never know when the no good very bad day will end (as they sometimes take more than a day)

Check it!

2008-03-04T18:40:00.000-08:00

check out duh pics

these are from Velvet Jones with senior year. yeyah!

forgot the title so we'll call it update

2008-03-02T02:30:00.001-08:00

I'm still here
in la
I"m still figuring it out, but i'm actualy enjoying it. No, i'm not giggles and smiles like i am usually, but instead i'm furrowed in the brow and doing my best to keep all complaints inside, but this one I"m about to explode on is well worth the vent.

I am really tired of people telling me how i should do this music/entertainment thing. Talk to this person, do this, be this ,quite this, join this. I don't understand how people feel they have the right to tell me how i should plan my life. its worse than your parents telling you how to live your life...well..kinda. My parents never imposed that much as to what and where i should go, what i should do,etc. In college my mom encouraged me to be single while my other friends were getting packages and phone calls from their parents asking and encouraging the "ring before spring."

I must say i'm happy my life wasn't pressured with do's and don'ts (other than the obvious things that parents have to say (don't do drugs, have sex, and my parents would just say wear earplugs...i was created because of rock n' roll..people please)

I love when people who don't even know me say things like "you just need to make yourself known, and put yourself out there".. OH yeah..great advice....wasn't i the one to have you meet person a, b,c..do i really need to go through the alphabet.

What brought about this bitter..anger? several things.. but i guess its just been building up, and i've been good and kept my mouth shut, but its just really starting to bug. Its kind of like that scene in Notting Hill, when handsome dude..i can't remember his name, but that guy, brings Julia Roberts with him to his sister's birthday and the brother in law doesn't realize Julia is THE Julia, and when he does its priceless.

I understand some people want to help, and some people just want to be name droppers and sound real cool, but I am going to do it my way. the only way I know how. and that is to be patient , have faith, and fall into strange and mysterious situations that in the end always work out.

Not to say i'm not a wee scared about what i'm doing here. i'm living in my grandparents house, i'm 25 and I am just clueless. am i going to live here for a year like everyone else and just wait. how do i get more proactive and what is "putting my best foot forward " when i don't know my best yet. or am i in it? so many questions..these are the answers i want k. NOt "why aren't you on the radio yet? well this is what you should do. (okay person who has no clue what and how this business is run) uff..

Rockstar story of the day:
After doing a demo track for the infamous Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana, I Went to hotel cafe to enjoy some music..and spoke to Joss Stone..of course.. i didn't recognize who it was. i hid after she got off stage after her guest performance.

ROCKSTAR STORY OF THE DAY

2008-02-20T20:09:00.001-08:00

if you didn't read the previous blog..stop..scroll down, read and then scroll up, and read this one.

okay. ...now you are just going to read that one because i'm going to see if i can top it with something that may happen tomorrow. yayah!

just saying hello

2008-02-19T18:45:00.000-08:00

hello.
another day in la
and i'm still trying to absorb my surroundings

so...indeed it has been awhile.
5 days to be exact since the beloved Valentine’s day had arrived.
I wish i had some type of footage, but the only footage i have is in my minds eye..if that makes any sense. I suppose i just got bored of loading pictures. I love to take them, but it takes for ever to load and then size, and by the time I do its like wah... i think i may go back to film and scanning.

This is my second week in Los Angeles, and if you know of anyone moving to this forest, i suggest sending them to my blog, and here’s why, i ain’t sugar coating squat!

i’ve seen both sides of the forest
the familys
and the conformists
and it somehow all meets back in the middle
where the parachutes are left up only for the birds
there’s no escape
in the forest of l.a.

well that came out of nowhere, but its what i’m thinking.
I can’t even begin to tell the stories, the people, observing the style of this place. okay..i guess i'll begin.

Style: looks like:
out of someone’s closet, but not just any ones personal closet, just some random someone
*someone went into a dark closet or with a blindfold, grabbed several items, put them on, and walked out the door
*Everything is used, and if it isn’t used, it looks used, even if you just bought them at Levi’s for 150 dollars..and i’m not just talking distressed jeans.
*Outrageous is normal
*nerds are “amazing”
* “Good music” is who ever you know
*Parking is an art form

My mind is a little soupy.
so thats why i'm just saying hello.

p.s. ROCKSTAR MOMENT OF THE WEEK:
* DANCED WITH DREW BARRYMORE AND HER NEW BF "MAC.COM" WHILE JENNY LEWIS FROM RILO KILEY ENJOYED A BEER BESIDE ME. ALL THE WHILE WATCHING A LARGE BALDING RUSSIAN MAN SING POP SONGS THAT EVERYONE DANCED CRAZY TO, AND THEN AT THE END OF THE SHOW, HE WAS NAKED....NOT JOKING. OKAY. HE WAS IN HIS CHONIES.

love

First Day

2008-02-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

I woke up early..okay ealier than i had before, aka 9am. I got dressed slowly, making sure every hair was where it was supposed to be and every button, fastened perfectly. I came downstairs, poured raisin bran from the plastic juice container, and grabbed the watered down milk substance called Lactaid. (Its free. i can't be picky)

As i ate my cereal I stared off into the guppy fish tank thinking "breathe, relax, you'll be great" "YOu readY" was the next thing I remember hearing and off to my first day at JCrew in the Promenade.

Once i got there i was greeted with a smile by my first manager. It was then followed by a frown. "You're not in dress code. do you have a cardigan in your car. the Cardigan is the new jacket" So upstairs I went to the sale section, scrambling to find something to wear with my so perfectly put together outfit.

After finding a jacket, which is pretty cute i must say, I shamefully walked downstairs..still with confidence, but also with a wee bit less "goe" get um gusto. I was handed over some paperwork, the new dress code, and such, and then found out my position had changed, and there was a lot more things i had to focus on.

I could feel my body curl over like an old woman. I smiled, and went my merry way, and before i knew it was time for a lunch break. I went upstairs to get my bag, and reported to the "powers that be". they checked my status, and what do you know, my sales were sky rocketing! How that happened i have no idea, but i don't mind, and I was shocked! Just as shocked as everyone else i'm sure!

During my break, I read a bit, called some people...and watched a woman i had just helped in the store get arrested for shoplifting at Sephora! I was so shocked. I can't even tell you. but its true. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN! The strange thing was she was a women who no doubt must have been in her 70's. could you imagine.

To not bore anyone with the rest of my first day, i ended it with a bang. so much of a bang, today, one of the other personal shoppers wouldn't talk to me. I must have posed a threat. oh well. What are you going to do. I'm sure in the end we'll run off like best buds, but for now..i'm still in a foreign land;)

Chapter 2

2008-02-12T18:37:00.001-08:00

I’d like to paint a picture right now, of what and where i’m standing in my mind. my heart is beating fast, and my mind attempts to slow down but is at a consistant up and down of thoughts and emotions. I just feel foreign.

I’m sitting in my grandparents dining room, where live a turtle, June-hi, and a multiplicity of guppy fish, along with the occasional parakeet who decides to come and hang out with the other animals.

Above the “zoo” are Christmas 07 pictures, along with a picture of the squirrel my grandmother has befriended, boo-boo. At least thats his name for now until we figure out a better one.

As i sit at the table looking into the avante garde Gold mirror next to the dining table, i look down and stare at my “place mat”. Its a bamboo painted tupperware plate, but it “helps the table not get scratches”. My grandmother begins to prepare dinner. “Gahlee Lisa. What am i supposed to feed you. NO meat! NO meat! How are you going to help us eat all our food?!” I shrug, laugh and continue looking at my placemat recognizing the particularity my grandmother has in her house, and making notes in my head in order to please my new roommates.

My Grandma goes to a stack of newspapers in the corner and begins to choose articles of which i’m assuming she is going to read. Alas i am wrong again, and instead she uses them first on the floor under her feet, and then under the electric frying pan.

“Grandma..what are you doing?” She continues with what seems to be her every day routine, and says “ the oil splashes all over the place. It leaves such a mess.” I don’t want to seem rude or anything, but i laugh a little under my breath. She smiles, and says, “yes, i am very particular in the kitchen.”

She continues to cook Egg Fooyung (i’m assuming thats how you spell it) and it was beyond delicious. i’d never had it before, but it was a definite treat. Its basically an omelet and a pancake in one with all sorts of vegetables and shrimp, but i guess you can put anything in it. anyway. I give her great encouragement, and she smiles with appreciation.

I grab a plate and begin eating standing up. Both of my grandparents put their food on their plastic bamboo “place-mats”. Several more dishes of fruit, cheese, nuts, and vegetables are then put on the table next to the main dish. “Lisa, why you stand up and eat? where you learn that? go sit down.”

Not even realizing I had been standing and eating most of my life, I sit down to eat, and find myself in a foreign place. What do we talk about, how do i eat everything, am i supposed to eat everything or is it just out for being outsake.

Dinner finishes and the newspapers go into the recycling. Grandpa grabs a cantelope from the pantry, as well as a few more newspapers, and places them on the cutting board. “You want cantelope Lisa? Its good snack”. I reply, “Grandpa we just had dinner?” “okay, then..its good dessert”.

I am truly enjoying every moment i have with my grandparents, and through them i recognize, i’ve got a lot more living to do.

Chapter One

2008-02-11T09:58:00.000-08:00

i’m unexplainably uneasy right now. its not like i haven’t been at my grandparents before, but i’m realizing i’m not just here on vacation. On account of my lack of funds, I’m here to be a roommate, as well as a very well behaved grand daughter. I already am a well behaved grand daughter, but its different. i don’t want to step on their toes, or make them feel uncomfortable, but as I look around this room, this room that has held so many memories, i can’t help but wonder what exactly am I doing.

I feel like i am pretending. This isn’t real. I didn’t just give my 30 day notice, i don’t have three brown boxes and a mountain of furniture to organize, arrange and be comfortable. I don’t have internet whenever i need and want it. I didn’t just accept a loan i can’t afford...which i am praying to God i can call and say “jk! i don’t want that!”

I’m swallowing my pride right now, and wondering if this was all a mistake. Why am i so fearful. what am i scared of. what is going to happen, perhaps...STOP! These thoughts must be lies. They must. I can say this, with the belief that i have on several accounts, received confirmation of my arrival here. although not a perfect situation, there is and must be a reason.

how fitting for me to arrive tonight, the night of the 50th annual Grammy Awards. The stars, young and old, literally moments away from me, as i sat in a couch with my grandpa and grandma. Would that someday be me? could that be me? What song would that be? And am I going to be an inspirational person, so much as to move minds and ideas into positive and righteous movements? And what a heavy responsibility.

What have i gotten myself into?

Orbitz gum

2008-02-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

"Dirty mouth? Clean it up!"
What a great line.

one of my hands is a sleep right now, while the opposite eye is half open. I'm not sure if i'm going to get a head ache or if i'm going to survive this day, and due to all my ailments I recognize, I need to "clean it up"

I've never been one to spout out dirty words, and I was never that rough around the edges, but lately i have been finding my fair share of going out, having a good time, but getting carried away. Not to worry, I'm not where i could be, but why even be where i could be.

It goes like this. I'm moving to Los Angeles, and a i have quite a few people who are looking out for me and are indeed nervous about my arrival. Los Angeles is a beast. A forest that some survive, and others become the trees, conforming and twisting each limb till the path to survive, becomes more dense and more are caught in the web of deception. I don't want that ..of course.

I'm excited about my new endeavor. New life, new place, new adventures, and when i say i'm going to clean it up, i'm going to clean it up. I just can't wake up this way. Exhausted, hoarse mouth, questioning myself, and concerned with what I could become. Numb.

exhausted

2008-01-29T15:42:00.000-08:00

i think i just did the most amazing job ever..in my life...yeah..i did.

My band, Senior year, just did what we were made to do; play at a High School..and during lunch. oh yeah. i'm not even kidding. it was fantastic. now if only i had some footage.

We were so into it, i think we blew High School Musical out of the water. ..actually yes we did:)

We were jumping on chairs and tables, and at one point this girl jumped on the table with me and started doing a dance off! yeyah! i'm not even kidding. i know this story deserves much more description, but no joke. i'm exhausted.

I sang and danced until i got ill...which is what i think i just became. i'm going to need some soup, a movie, and a few magazines..and maybe some chocolate...i'm not saying you should come over and do that..but you now if you want;) hahah;)

oh good night and good day. i'm so excited to see what else my life has in store. aren't you?

bummed

2008-01-18T21:21:00.001-08:00

i don't need to complain.
actually i really shouldn't.
I'm off to a new start, with new beginnings.
new friends, new life, new pictures, new stories..but
we are talking about tonight.

I agreed to a house sitting job, that turned into a dog sitting job, and did i mention, also watching two kids? The kids are super sweet, and so are the dogs, but to my knowledge, my nights were supposed to be off.

Now normally i would suck it up, however I have about 2 weeks left in SB, and would love to just hang out with my friends, while i currently have the convenience of walking down the street to see them.

So now, i'm sitting in an office filled with God knows what and i'm just putzin' around. wah wah wah! ..pause...

okay so now i am continuing the wah wah's of last night.
I was literally just waiting around for the night to end, the boys came home, and we watched a movie...a cheesy one, but it worked out pretty well:) I suppose i am just a selfish yes....i wanted to go out..but can you blame me...

p.s. its all workign out, and i think this weekend will be a great one;)

LG

one more maui moment

2008-01-14T20:52:00.001-08:00

Its been a long journey to say the least. i have arrived yet again to an airport terminal. but its not the terminal i originally arrived at. I was left in honolulu for a night, and let me just say its not the shabbiest of places to be “stuck” in.

My time in Maui was definitely a time of reflection. I f I were to tell the full story some would agree, some would be agrressive, and some may be ashamed. Not to sound negative or devilish, but for now, what was in Maui, stays in Maui. I don’t think i’ve had fully enough time to reflect.

To share the good parts, i spent countless hours in the sun “working”, met some pretty amazing friends, and in the end definitely had my frown turn upside down. The stress of work, finances ,and expectation slowly melted away, and i realized from now on, if i’m going to take a vacation, i better make it two weeks.

To let you in on why I am sitting in Honolulu eating corporate america (pizza hut and starbucks..the plane food is way more, and not half as fatty delicious..heheheh), I’ll begin by saying, if you have a flight canceled, get what you need to get done and head on back to the beach! Time’s a waistin!

I arrived in OGG airport with time to spare. As i reached the check in counter I asked my bags to be taken all the way to Los Angeles so i didn’t have to check in all over again. With a puzzled face, the lady looked at me and said, “I”m sorry your flight was cancelled.” Smiled her Hawaiian smile, and started working on something else. Shocked by how happy go lucky she was, I said “what do i do!”. “Go to ATA (smile)”

I gruntled my way over to the desk (thankfully right next door) and asked the assistant what i Should do. “ i’m sorry i just work here i don’t know what you should do.” ?????? what! what do you mean!!!!! How could someone work and not know what to do! He told me it was due to weather conditions which was a total flop because it was sunny in Los Angeles. He then told me if I waited till 12:30 i could talk to someone. GReat! too bad my connecting flight was leaving at 12:30.

I didn’t know what to do. Stay in Maui, or be left in God knows where.
I went. as i got on the plane, i could just feel my tear ducts water up. I was so exhausted, frustrated, and alone....but who cares! I am always up for an adventure, but i just couldn’t handle the idea of an adventure right now.

I sat in my seat and was pleasently surprised when my seat partner began talking to me. Normally i’m so exhausted i don’t want to talk to a soul. Shut upt and let me sleep! But I allowed it. Turns out he works for golf tournaments. PGA tour? i’m sure some of you “golfies” know what that is. i apologize for my ignorance in advance.

We talked for the 30 minute ride over, and he said something that opened my ears “ I came over here. I sat down and heard the good Lord say, you better take care this child. I said ‘OH Lord i will! I will!’ “ I laughed a bit, and knew it was not coincidence he had said this. God was watching. He was pursuing. He knew what was up.

Getting off the plane was the actual beginning of my “work out”. AS i got off the plane I was directed toward ATA. As I got to the terminal, the lady at the kiosk said i needed to go downstairs. Problem: my bags were still in baggage claim with Hawaiian, which was 6 terminals the other way.

I decided to get my bags, and as I walked down i saw my new friend and he let me know it was taking them awhile to get the bags off. So back another 6 terminals to see what to do. maybe i could still get a flight out. Maybe it was only delayed.

I trecked back to Terminal 6 to talk to ATA where i waited 30 minutes to find out some great news. Iwould have a flight out the next morning, my hotel would be taken care of, food would be taken care of, and did I mention...a free roundtrip flight! where am I going to go!!!!!

Excited by the news but still exhausted by everything else, I got my paper with all the perks. The man at the Kiosk then let me know i had 10 minutes to reach the shuttle that would take me to the hotel. 10 minutes! I told the man, that i had still left all my bags at hawaiian. With a HUGE sigh, he let me know i could get my bags and he would find me a taxi.

Once i got to the hotel, i was just about ready to pass out, when i looked out across the lanai, and saw the sun still high but ready to descend. I threw on a bathing suit, grabbed some writing material, and made my way down to the beach.

Being on the sand was a lot different then from my birds eye view. there were people everywhere! i mean EVERYwhere. I put down my towel, my sorang, and dove into the water. I was enjoying myself relaxed in the crystal blue water when “ go go go. C’mon you can do it” i looked towards shore and 30 some odd people were swimming towards me full speed! I swam as fast i could out of the way and made my way towards some rocks.

Slowly making my way back to shore, the waves pushing me forward, i scraped my toe on a rock. Bleeding, i confidently walked through the water, back to my beach towel. I laid there for a while, trying to figure out whether or now i should go shipping or sit in my room. I decided to sit in my room.

i got up to the room and noticed the sun was getting ready to set. Grabbed my guitar and played to my hearts content. I had a private show, and even had some applause:) hehehe..okay not really , but that would have been cool. i did play though.

I ended the evening with dinner with a friend from the North Shore. In the end, it was a great trip, and i'll be going out again. I can already feel the stresses of every day life entering my mind. I think its already time for a vacation. bon voyage!

this was my room:)

food;)

my poor toe. can you see the bandaid?

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the sunset:)

tiddle

2008-01-14T20:36:00.000-08:00

so, inspired by my friend matt..this is going to be short..and sporatic.

I wasn't intentionally going to share this, but its whats on my mind.
all to say i fell for cute.
anytime anyone says "oh that is so cute!" or "you are so cute" courteously smile, but don't buy into it.

AT JCrew I am not encouraged to say cute. Reason being, it is an over used word. its kind of like what we do to any American word. At one point it had value, and then we devalue it by over using it. (biggest example the word love)

anyhow, I fell for "you are so cute" I tried to put it behind me, but.. i fell for it, and hours after i left mr. "cute" he was already utilizing the word with someone else. nice..real nice.

so please, learn from me , and don't fall for cute..fall for brilliant :) hahah

processing muck

2008-01-13T17:51:00.000-08:00

In all honesty, i have no idea what i am talking about. I DO know that I am in a deep processing mode, and today..well the past week, i have been processing the ideas behind risk vs. sacrifice and even more truly..relationship.

God created human beings so delicately and intricately. We were built for relationship; our bodies and minds attempt to understand the full manifestation of why we are here, and how we do this thing called...Love.

Jesus Christ expressed his love by not only risking his title (and leaving behind any and all reputation) but sacrificing his body to save souls. I, on the other hand, am risking my face by dating more than one person at a time, all the while being completely honest about it. In the end..i hope to sacrifice myself to only one person. I suppose comparing myself to the almighty savior, is a bit over the top, but you understand the analogy, yes? I am looking for Love. True Love..which takes risk and sacrifice.

Perhaps i am a crazy loon and more recently a "serial dater" but I am really trying to figure this whole thing out, and at the same time, risking what was built sacred; a perfect relationship, between myself and God.

I have a choice. To risk my relationships or sacrifice my flesh and put it behind me.
Right now, i am like watching a young child take apart a toy then trying to put it back together without the proper tools. Experts would say your child may be the perfect candidate for an engineer. In my case, i am the perfect candidate to a broken heart.

Now don't go getting sad for me, i have something valuable that some less experienced have been able to conquer through my"salad" of bad break ups. I have learned how to guard my heart. There is a definite line however to guarding the heart and shutting the heart off. Pushing a callous on your heart only devalues any sense of relationship, as well as compromises one's self; respecting one's body for instance.

In my recent "experiment" I came to a heart wrenching hypothesis. I say hypothesis, because by no means does learning relationship have any true conclusion...at least shouldn't... but more on that later.

Hypothesis: I am a needy, idealistic, indecisive creature.

Now this is the hypothesis for me, not everyone (perhaps?) here's my current scenario...it goes a little like this.

*I thought i liked a boy
*I go visit boy
*I meet other boy
*Boy 1 is great BUT
*i'm not as interested as Boy 2
*stop and realize. I may not be interested in either but instead just risked my entire self in realization:

Hypothesis: i am a needy, idealistic, indecisive creature..
Theory: I'm still experiencing everything. and in doing this, i play the game of Risk. The hard thing is, sometimes these "risks" i take i already know the end result. why i just don't sacrifice myself and not start anything....well thats just me being foolish.

With every fall, a scar is rewarded. that scar tells a story and that story is what reminds us of how not to repeat something. Sometimes we learn from other's scars, and a perfect example for me is the story of Jesus Christ. Even when he rose from the dead, he still had scars that remained and reminded the disciples of the sacrifice he took in order to free them from their sins.

By no means am i saying go out there, and do whatever you want and fully risk yourself, mind, body and soul. NONONONONO. What I am saying is, sometimes we put our selves out there, and get more than we expected. Having the responsibility over so many things, we need to make rational decisions, but even in ration we need to sacrifice. and it hurts. but that is a growing relationship. How does one grow without growing pains. If we never hurt, we never grow. We never risk, we never know.

As i close my ranting, i do need to say this. I am enjoying what life brings to me now, and perhaps this strange escapade is not only for me to experience. Perhaps its for you. A song to be inspired by or a story to get you moving. All i know is..I'm still figuring things out, but i need to start sacrificing my wants and risking what i THINK will be my losses and in turn gaining love.

new beginning

2007-12-31T14:42:00.000-08:00

I’m currently sitting in the OGG airport in Maui. I’m waiting for a few friends of mine, hopefully getting ready to kick off the new year with good spirits, and many adventurous memories. I’m really really hungry, I don’t eat meat so there goes fast food, and I’m sooo exhausted. I have no idea what im sleeping on (other than i have a tent and a fleece sleeping bag), and i really need to stop the complaining. i’m in maui for peets sake!

I’m trying to b e in a good mood. Generally, i am...most of the time. Its rare i’m in a bad mood.
but currently its difficult for me to be in a good mood! I can’t really describe why or how i get into these moods, but it seems to be happening more and more often.

Recently i was invited to a Singles Cocktail party. It was a huge event, very elite, great food, and of course, some new people to meet, and not necessarilly to get a date out of, but instead a chance on meeting different people; different lives, different stories.

the event was put on by a generous couple who myself and other fellow friends have or had worked for at one time or another. Personally, i had been their Dog Walker for a 8 months before they shipped the long armed Woodle to Ohio. They felt it would be better for Duma. She would receive more love and have a lot more freedom to sprawl herself out.

The Clarks are a wonderful family who recently have taken on a greater project; running Santa BArbara’s very first Christian Highschool. It was their idea to gather all the young single folk they knew, place them in one room, and watch nature take its course. Imagine Planet Earth, or better yet, Mean Girls. The scene where “the book” is found and chaos is found in the jungles of the high school hallways. It wasn’t that animalistic..whatsoever, but i will say it was an interesting site to observe.

Dress bought, shoes polished, accessories strewn across the bathroom counter, i started to feel like a royal bitch. I don’t know what it was, what brought it on, but i just felt so uncomfortable, i even started to give myself the “eat shit and die” face.

I tried to shake it off, plugged in the ipod, and slowly painted on my face. I was hoping that would make me feel better, confident, exceptionally beautiful. As far as self esteem goes, I’ve never quite had a problem with it. I’m not saying this to be stuck up, but I suppose i grew up with much reassurance that I was a pretty awesome gal. My parents were exceptionately good at one thing while i was growing up; giving me attention:) I believe at times they slightly regret they did ( i knew they loved me ) the Princess complex: is what my mom refers to it as.

Spoiled i was, but never stuck up. I knew i was loved for who i was, in all my very special ways. Trying to reestablish the princess complex, i started to feel typical words in my mind and then sputter out my mouth. “you look aweful. you look like miss piggy minus the purple gloves and the snout. May be you shouldn’t go. you don’t need to meet anyone new. you probably know everyone anyway” Negative tic by negative bite came and swelled up to the point a few friends who were also attending called, and I just went buzurko on them! I didn’t want to! I really didn’t! I just got in a funk, and couldn’t shake it off.

I finally did however, and went to the party, miss piggy and all. I walked into the newly remodeled Kitchen at the Clarks and could hardly look up. I had to get out. i need some type of vice. Maybe a soggy cigarette would do?! no.. i just needed to get out.

As soon as i walked in the kitchen, my gaggle of beautiful single girlfriends came up to me and began prodding and touching my face my dress, my jewelry, and i stepped back. A tale of the crypt like voice ventured out of my mouth, “don’t touch me” I couldn’t take their compliments, thinking in my head “ they must have heard i was a crazy bitch on the phone. they are only complimenting to make me out of obligation.”

I slowly stepped back, and said I’d be right back. As i did, the host of this extravaganza, Amy, said hello asked how i was doing, and then i felt caught. In horror i wracked my brain of what to say, but the truth thankfully came out. “ i had a long drive, have been up since 5 and am truly exhausted. I’m just feeling a little strange” Amy the sweet heart and exceptional hostess she is, offered me a coke to wake me up. I had to get out.

I continued to step back through the formal dining room and out the main door, over the stone driveway, and down into the dark. The asphalt was wet with rain, and i wanted to burst out in some tragic song. As i was about to (no really. i admittingly will break out into some fantastical song when i’m overwhelmed.. but never in public of course) a dark figure came walking towards me and said hello. A bit startled i said a weak hello back.

I briskly scuttled to my car, got in, locked the doors, and thought aimlessly where I might have hidden a cigarette. I cried a little, more like whimpered, took a deep breath, and attempted positive action. Reassuring myself there would be some great momentous thing that came out of all this.

A few moments later i stepped back on to the wet asphalt, over the stone driveway, through the heavy iron door, into the formal dining room, and back into the newly remodeled kitchen, where sitting on a perfectly square napking was an ice cold coke..in a bottle! even better!

I was still a bit uncomfortable, but did my best to suck it up. I peered up to see my single guy friends all huddled in one big safe group, handsome in their best wares if you will.

I grabbed my coke and decided to start branching out. I turned and bumped into ( literally) the other half of the host, randy who was talking to a charming young man from South AFrica. I pushed a wide smile onto my face and with great surprise and excitement, was lifted from the evil demon inside of me. As Dick Van Dyke states in Bye Bye Birdie “you’re never fully dressed without a smile”

Was this truly the cure to my state of being? Perhaps. i will say yes, and believe it. So now while i’m sitting in the OGG airport in Maui, with a headache, starving, wishing i was home in my bed. I will smile. .. even though it physically hurts at this present moment..oh geez.

Senior Year

2007-12-02T14:04:00.001-08:00

So this is what i do on the side.
i'm a little bit giddy goofy in this snippet.
but please note the awesomeness of this band. i love them dearly.

Lisa Goe and David Fertello at Soho

2007-12-01T18:39:00.000-08:00

To those who couldn't be there:

CAMP!

2007-11-12T18:26:00.001-08:00

I went to camp last weekend. and i never got a chance to post anything, and of course no. no pictures (sorry melody) i might have one..wait...hold on

okay..thats me eating cake;)

anyhow. this was not at camp. but it was the day before!
so seriously. I went to an all girls Jr. high camp up in Ojai. and let me tell you. it was pretty awesome.

My plan was really to go up there, play some music, come back to sb, and go back. but I decided to stay and enjoy the surroundings of Gods beauty. It was a little strange...being with 40 11-14 year olds. I kept thinking "was i really this hyper?" (those who have known me long enough are probably laughing out loud, with tears streaming down your face knowing the reality of my crazed young years)

I was honestly intimidated. They were in Jr. High but still so cool, and i was supposed to be their elder they looked up to. Strange.

I lead worship and we got right into the lessons. it was beautiful. Here we all were, young and old, listening and being convicted by the same message. Pray, eat, grow in and with Christ.

I went back to my room and took a nap, journaled, and prayed, completely humbled by this small weekend experience. It was the last morning we would all eat, and sing together. After the worship, we prayed and then the unexpected. "can you sign this cd for me please?"

"Really" I thought. "me" I am so uncool...but okay! I felt bad, as each girl would come up and I'd totally screw up their name. I'd make it up with an even longer message on the cd. WE took pictures..it was all truly bizarre...and all i could think was ...God what do you have in store next?

Its all quite silly, but i'm excited.

mac user + mac user = Love

2007-11-09T17:21:00.000-08:00

its true.
i'm serious.
i'm crazy, and i believe that all peeps who want to chill,
must be a mac user.

Now don't get me wrong. i love all you PC peeps,
but when it comes to true quality time with miss Goe,
you must be a mac user.

How is this relevant to life at all?
As sung in Willy Wonka.."the candy man can"
it just makes life more beautiful, colorful, entertaining.

i just needed to get that off my chest. . .
there i've said it.

Im a discriminator towards PC's.
Hate me.
or don't :)

Jury Duty

2007-11-01T23:06:00.001-07:00

Oh i really should be posting more pictures i know, but in all seriousness...are not words enough! okay..well in time, anywho.

The other day i had to attend Jury Duty, and i thought a few things
1) why am i here!
2) this would make a great music video (although already done..but why not another)
3) i am freaking out! and i'm not even the one being convicted!

they went through a series of questions, of which i answered, fiddling with my paper and staring at the projector of questions, and it occurred to me. this is my civil duty. i should just let freedom ring and voice my opinion...or not my opinion, but my duty as a citizen of the USA....and then i stepped down from my pedestal, remembering the intensity of my financial disposition...

so i kindly told the judge i would not be able to judge this person fairly. As i walked out of the court room, i realized what i had done. i had let down my civil duty..or had I. its all really quite confusing. They say if financial hardship is an issue, your off the case, and so was mine, but then to continue with the questions and blah blah blah, and then finally ask my frame of mind! ouch! that was i think more difficult.

well, its done, and i"ll have to wait for another summons, where by i may not get out..and oh well. I suppose it is for the better.

The Heavenly

2007-10-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

I found it! thank God! Something I wrote a while ago after a failed attempt of a relationship.

Love: The Heavenly

the black woman inside of her
groaned with unsatisfying pleasure:

I need a man!!
Oh I need a man..
I need a man,
whos gonna sit down and talk about his day as I nod and agree (or quietly disagree)

I need a man who you can know his strength,
just by the timbre in his voice,

I need a man that with each step can make a blind man see
I need a man who's gonna enhance the quality of character that the good Lord has blessed me with

I need a man who can pick up my smile and not just my tab.

I need a man, whos going to commit.
to commit not first to me,
but to the Almighty

I need a man who recognizes
if our relationship is going to
*grow,
*flourish,
*communicate constructively,
he must first put his priorities on the kingdom of God
rather than his pocket money.

I need a man whos gonna make me feel like a woman,
and not a stereotype.

I need a man whos gonna sit himself high above reproach, but not so high his brain turns into macarone on a hot summers day ; lettin his pride get the best of him.

I need a man whos gonna sing me a lullabye when the nights dont seem bearable or worth pushing through

and I need a man,
a man whos gonna stand up for what he believes,
and whos gonna better the relationship of others through honesty...
and not honest manipulation.

cuz I dont need no little boy round my yard.
I dont need someone to pick up magnolias and bring in festerin weeds.
I dont need an addiction
or repetitive motion
of a routine kiss.

I need a man whose gonna make me want to pick out my afro, put on my high heel shoes, put on my fancy coat, and go to the disco without a drop a wine.

I need a man not lookin for external perfection, but in perfect time.

and Momma told me: you need a man honey,
God knows sweet child, you need a man.
And for now, you concentrate on that relationship with the Almighty. cuz God said:

Man, you need a woman,
because you can not do this alone
Man, you need a challenge
cuz life without it could get you into trouble
Man, you need a woman
to soften edges of a hard edged wound
Man, you need a woman
to show you strength in a tender way
Man, you need a woman
to understand a relationship with me
Man, you cant have no woman
till you have a relationship with me.
Man, you risk your relationship with me
when you risk it on the world.
So , man, put your faith in me
and Ill give you what you need.

and so said the black woman inside of her....and I agreed.

-The Heavenly

Here comes the...

2007-10-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

Its late
I just got back from my roommates wedding
and let me say, it was nice to go to a wedding where I'm not thinking the common question of "when's it my turn?" I suppose I've never thought the common question, but perhaps I have because its so common.

When I graduated from Wheaton, i was looked down upon at times because i didn't want the common dream of a picked white fence, a marriage, a dog, a van, and so on. And although i now Do have everything except for the marriage, I'm still very content without a man.

Which brings me to my next realization. I think i've totally screwed myself over with men. WHAT THE HECK IS MY DEAL! Over and over and over again, i find myself locked into a dance that is not what i want and especially not what i need. I suppose i'm not all that comfortable delving on the situation currently, but if you ask I will tell you.

I believe it has sadly come to the point where I've grown numb to relationship, and that is not safe. i want something more, something deeper. not good looks and a good night. I wrote a poem a while ago..i don't know where it is..i suppose i'll find it and edit it in..hopefully when i find it. but all to say, i better go to bed because i'm blabbering.

good night ..to be continued

I think i'm gettin' it

2007-10-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

I had dinner tonight with some old friends and as one of my friends was talking, my mind trailed off a bit and my thought said, "I think i'm gettin' it" the phrase has continued to resonate in my mind, but..i don't quite understand what it is i've "gotten".

I suppose i've had a few epiphany's tonight. One that friends are much more valuable and important than rushing home to go on a jog, Two that food and fellowship have completely gone out the window for a replacement of easy mac (sincerely unfortunate), and lastly, if I need something or want something. to ask for it.

So I suppose the revelation today is to stick to the basics. Revamp the joyous things of life, and concentrate on necessities for not only the body but more importantly the soul.

I could continue writing, but I think I just birthed a song. Its time to be reintroduced to a more motivated life.

ONWARD!

inspired by

2007-10-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

i’m looking back curious as to how my mind has altered into an abyss of ...an abyss of .....umm....well.. blah. There are times I have felt challenged by my surroundings to the point where beautiful tragedies have released art so powerful and persuasive, no hallucinative drug could provide an inkling of clarity that these pains have allowed me to see...but do i inflict more tragedy, more drama into my life? oh no..no, i’d rather not fuss with such trivial things as she said he said we said, did, could no. I won’t do it!

I won’t be made to feel crazy or a lunatic, drastic, or confused, but I will say i will always be a diva, a character true to my nature. that won’t change, and i’m not going to deny it. i’m lisagoe.com. and without boast, i can’t deny or be over dramatic about the drama of lisa goe.

I complain, i whine, i cry..even when there are things more important to be upset about. for example. a recent unfulfilled relationship. he left with yet another girl in his hand..i thought i was holding his hand, but alas it was just a knock off. and yet i cry more and can’t get sleep over a haircut that really isn’t all too bad..just needs some more edge. when did i get so shallow. ..but then again is it shallow? or is it a chapter of some tragedy that has been over studied to the point of boredom and without investment. without manifestation. just blah.

not to say i’m blah..no no no. but i wont’ lie. at times i feel uninteresting or uninterested. silent. unaware, unawake unnecessary.
all this as an introduction to my new song...Big. which is really just a realization of how small we really are..but still SO important;)

Its funny how
you can think the world
is out to get you

Its funny how
your family is sweet
but the ones to make you angry the most

Its funny how
we think we are the best
but the better just went and beat us up

its funny how you
think and breathe
the world
but your really much deeper

chorus
How does one
think they know
how the universe is turning
How does one
think they own
whatever's tangible and feeling
so .oh oh oh. BIG.
when we’re really quite small

Its funny how
you can look into a mirror
and walk the other direction
when

its funny how
the mirror you just walked in
was someone else’s reflection

Its funny how
you can be told a lie
and receive it truly

its funny how
you think you are the judge
when the judge is watching

Chorus

(not unimportant ,just a little small,
like mary’s tiled pupil inside a wall
oh oh oh. importantly small but we can’t rush to why
oh oh oh , oh oh. we’re really quite small.

tears of hair.

2007-10-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

what lisagoe.com kind of had, she just needed some trimage

never get your haircut if your not ready for a HUGE change.
I LOVED the girl who cut my hair. she was AWESOME! super fun, energetic, but i asked for a choppy a-line ,andi asked for it thinnned. I look like a porcelain asian doll who's about ready to kill someone. Its just a very conservative haircut..and i'm not all that conservative.

I know there are more important things to complain about. but i'm not going to lie and say I didn't cry. I did. like a 5 year old child and stomped and pissed around..okay not all that, but i did feel like a foolish 5 year old. but hair..its kind of a big deal. so you'll be seeing me with my hair tossled up for quite some time..unless i decide to look like a school girl..or i decide not to look like lisagoe.com.

and what it looks like now..not lisagoe.com

I had a leash...and bells on my shoes..it worked for me!

2007-10-03T22:46:00.000-07:00

So you may or may not be familiar with this video but lets just say, its becoming a normal "perk" to let our kids run free. and so my story for the day.

I'm leaving work ( i presently work in a small shopping center), and i'm going the normal speed limit. In front of me is a parked car and another car coming towards me. I look over the crosswalk, no one's crossing and the parked car is not going anywhere fast, so like anyone, i pause and continue on my way.

I hear a loud 'HONK!" I look behind me, no one there, and i look forward and the lady in the car in front of me has her hand over her mouth.

I look in the rear view mirror to see whats up. did someone fall? NOOOOOOO SOME LADY WASN'T WATCHING HER KID AND THE KID WAS PLAYING IN FRONT OF THE PARKED CAR, INCHES FROM STANDING IN FRONT OF MY CAR! the family all looked at my "buster" and scowled.

Did i feel bad, yes....For the parents who don't know better then to keep their kid close and not in the street! So please. PUHLEASE! Don't be naive, your kids still need your protection.

I am a treasure

2007-10-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

I was recently chosen to be a part of a compilation cd with various amazing artists including pigeon john! if you'd like to check out more information about what I am a treasure is, click the link below.

routine

2007-10-03T00:52:00.000-07:00

I'm attempting to make this blog thing a routine. So by doing so i went on a run. something i haven't done in a while. thank the good Lord i did. then i went to practice, and now i'm here thinking of something witty so that i can be more routine with the creative blog.

interesting story of the day: i looked like crap today. the end.

OH! and by the way. how the poo do i save people and locate them so i'm not having to find them in 500 ways. i've heard of something called rss? what is that? wah! the yays and woes of becoming a blogger

Lets do this

2007-10-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

After having 3 myspace pages (1,2,3), a website, and a facebook,(i don't know that url)I felt it was time to start a blog. I think I have now fully covered all bases. I'm still getting used to the lingo for these blogs, but I think it will be an interesting adventure. I decided to start "blogging" as you natives call it when i realized everything in my head needed to be spliced out for all to see.

I noticed every day has its theme and/or story, and being on this "starving artist" adventure I'm prepared to embarass myself, and possibly others...but all out of love for our pure entertainment. This is an experiment for myself and others to enjoy the adventures of www.lisagoe.com.